Miscellaneous humor thread

Posted by: Golem

Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 01:35 AM

If you have a humorous item - be it a joke, a picture, a video, or whatever - and you don't feel like giving it a thread of its own, just post it to this thread. smile
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 01:36 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 01:38 AM

Two Jews were walking down the street when they passed a Baptist church. Out front was a sign, "We'll Pay You $100 To Convert".

Shlomo says, "Can it be possible?"

Shmuel says, "No way. I'll go in, and watch, they'll stiff me."

So Shmuel goes in. Four hours later, he comes out again.

Shlomo asks, "Nu, after all that, did they give you the $100?"

Shmuel replies, "Is that all you people think about?"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 01:39 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 01:41 AM



Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 01:54 AM

A frog walks into a bank.

He approaches a teller and says, "Hi! I'm Mick Jagger's son and I'd like a loan."

The teller, not a little taken aback at this unusual request, stammers out a reply, "Um, er, sir, um, loans are applied for with one of our loan officers. If you wish to apply for a loan, please see the loan receptionist," and he directs the frog over to a man sitting at a desk in a glassed in area adjacent to the lobby.

"Thank you," says the frog who departs to the loan area.

"May I help you?" asks the loan receptionist.

"Yes, please," says the frog, "I'd like a loan. I'm good for the money because I'm Mick Jagger's son."

"Yes," says the man. "I see." Not knowing quite what to do with this frog, he opts to direct him to the senior loan specialist. "Please go and speak with Ms. Patricia Mack, our senior loan counselor, she will advise you."

"Thank you very much," says the frog and he goes over to introduce himself.

"Good Morning," says the frog, "I am here to secure a loan from your bank. I can assure that I am good for the loan, as Mick Jagger is my father."

"Um, well, yes, good morning, my name is Patricia Mack, though everyone calls me Patty, and, um, well, err, please have a seat."

Eyeing the frog with prudent skepticism, Ms. Mack begins, "You see, when the bank makes a loan, even to the, um, offspring of celebrities, it is customary to secure collateral for the loan to be re-paid."

"But I assure you Ms. Mack..."

"Patty, please."

"Patty, thank you," says the frog. "I can assure that there is no risk to the bank, after all, I am Mick Jagger's son. If you ask the manager, I'm sure he'll agree."

"Um, uh, sir, yes, but you see, it is bank policy to provide collateral for loans, even to the scions of famous celebrities. It is simply how these things are done."

"Oh." says the frog. "Well, here then," he says, and reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a tiny porcelain pink elephant and places it gently on the loan counselor's desk.

"There," says the frog, "now you have your collateral, really, I am good for the money, you know. After all, I'm Mick Jagger's son. May I please have the loan?"

Ms. Mack eyes the delicate, tiny pink porcelain elephant. And looks at the frog, smiling expectantly. And then again at the delicate, tiny pink porcelain elephant.

"Very well, "she says, "I will confer with the loan manager. Please wait here."

Ms. Mack rises, and somewhat dubiously goes into the loan manager's office.

"Hello, Patty, what can I do for you, " says the loan manager.

"Well, there's this frog, see, and he says he wants a loan and that he's good for the money because he's Mick Jagger's son. I explained to him that it's bank policy to secure collateral again the loan and he gave me this...this...well, what the heck is this thing anyway?"

The loan manager smiles at her and says, "It's a nick nack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Posted by: issodhos

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 05:14 AM

Definition of an optimist:

A man working on the roof of a twenty story building trips and fall over the edge.

As he is passing the tenth floor he says,
"So far, so good"

nyuk nyuk.:-)
Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 05:33 AM



A son receives the news that his elderly Jewish father has been baptized by the local catholic priest. The son assumes that his frail father has been taken advantage of at this late stage in his life and rushes to set things right

After the son arrives, his father re-assures him of the soundness of his decision " Better one of them should die than one of us."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 08:52 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 08:53 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 08:55 PM

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 09:05 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 09:22 PM

Durward and Alexander, were identical twin boys, born in the Twin Cities, who went to a two-year college together, married identical twin girls exactly their age, and ended up taking jobs with the same company outside of Sacramento. They did everything together, including joining the California-based Church of Itsenism, which preached that everyone, good bad or indifferent, went to their heaven called Itsen when they died.

One day the two young men went for a ride on their tandem bicycle, but were run over by a twin-rig diesel out on Route 2. They were buried together under a common headstone that read, of course, Alex and Dur, Souls in Itsen.
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 09:29 PM

Poor Doctor Beraid cane to a very bad end, an end which he caused himself.

Beraid had spent his career working in the field of hypo-allergenics, working towards developing a breed of swine whose bodies contained nothing that would be rejected by humans. They were also capable of regenerating body organs, so they were intended to be the first trouble-free organ farms for transplants to humans.

Unfortunately, there were some genetic drawbacks. They were huge, over a thousand pounds at maturity, so Beraid cleverly cloned gorillas to tend to them. There was another problem: their breath was so bad that not even the gorillas could work with the pigs until they had been stuffed full of breath mints.

One day there were almost 80 gorillas working with the swine when one of them dropped a big bag of breath mints. Beraid backhanded the gorilla, which was most unfortunate for him. The police report on his sudden death concluded:

Seventy six strong clones fed the pig Beraid, with a hundred and ten Clorets close at hand.
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 10:47 PM

respect

We need a "groan" smiley
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 10:55 PM

How about this?

Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 11:35 PM

Grandma Goes Shopping

A grandmother had a grandson with a upcoming birthday.

She knew he liked fishing, so down to the sporting goods store she went.
After looking around,she found a rod and reel that might look good, so she went to the counter.
Behind the counter sat a man with dark glasses.

The grandmother inquired, "Can you help me decide which rod and reel to get for my grandson?"

"Sure", replied the man, "I am blind, but if you toss the item on the counter, I can tell by the sound what it is."

After placing the rod and reel on the counter the blind man said, "Well that's a Shakespeare 6 foot rod and a Zebco reel, good combo and its on sale for 20 dollars this week."

Impressed the grandma said ,"I'll take it".
She reached into her purse and pulled out her credit card only to drop it on the floor.
After hearing the card fall to the floor,the blind man said, "Mastercard, very good!"

As the grandma bent over to pickup the card, she passed a very large amount of gas.
Very embarrassed she looked around and figured the man was blind so he wouldn't know who did it.
He rang her up and said "that'll be 34.50 ma'am."

"But you told me it was on sale for 20 dollars!", the grandma exclaimed.
The blind man replied,"Yep,20 dollars for the rod and reel, but that duck call's 11 dollars and the catfish bait's another 3.50!"
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/01/12 11:51 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
How about this?


Love it
Posted by: Chuck Howard

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/02/12 12:06 AM

Subject: His and Her Diary for the Same Day

The answer to many of life's problems







HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
Posted by: issodhos

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/02/12 01:02 AM

Posted by: NW Ponderer

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/02/12 03:18 AM

The Librarian is sitting at her desk in the library, doing her librarian duty, when a chicken walks up to the desk.

"Book," he says. So, she looks on the shelf behind her and gets a book, makes out a new library card for him, in the name of "chicken," and off goes the chicken with the book under his wing.

The next day, the chicken returns with the book, and gives it to the librarian. He says, "book, book." So, she reaches behind her, selects two books, gives them to him, and off goes the chicken. She is completely bewildered. She has read, Charlotte's Web, of course, but doesn't really believe that the chicken is actually reading the books.

But, the next day, in walks the chicken, returns the two books, and says "book, book, booook." So, she dutifully reaches behind her, gets three books, and checks them out to the chicken, who struggles out the door with his new selections. Overcome with curiosity, the librarian follows him. He goes down the street, then into the woods... and she follows. Pretty soon, the chicken comes to a pond in the woods. He says, "book, book, booook."

From out of the pond, comes a frog. He looks over the selection of books that the chicken has brought, shakes his head and says...

"Read it, read it, read it."
Posted by: NW Ponderer

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/02/12 04:26 AM

Google Maps 8-bit Start your quest!

Link to introduction video

Special Applications
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/02/12 03:39 PM

Elton John never finished his song about Averill Whitman, the "rocket Man."

He actually got to Mars, alone and shipwrecked, only to discover that Mars was inhabited by a humanoid species who called themselves the Gott. Remarkably like humans, but cyclopean, one rather large eye in the niddle of the forehead.

Averill married one of the Gott women in a civil ceremony, then settled down to a quiet life of a Martian farmer. Twenty years passed, and a manned ship from Earth arrived to explore. The three astronauts were appalled to find that Averill had gone native, and had even married what they took to be monstrosities.

Averill assured them that he had been quite right to marry the Gott, singing for them, "Ain't no woman like the one-eyed Gott."
Posted by: NW Ponderer

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/02/12 05:05 PM

How I spent my weekend

The Line

The stakes are not high, but the prize is a ton!
Just imagine the things you could do if you won –
A vacation to Disney – for a month, if not two
Two or three cars, not used ones, but new
A condo in Aspen, I’d bet that’d seem cheap
A place on the ticket, probably as Veep…
A Governorship, the Senate…, or House, if you’re slummin’
A dozen Les Pauls, just for sittin’ ‘round strummin’
Or maybe… a plane, or a few, or a yacht
You could buy a zoo! Or, on second thought, not
Or something more practical, like somewhere to stay
Out of sight, quite secluded, and far, far away
With an arsenal that would make even bad Harry’s day
Best keep the change in your pocket, where it might do some good
Leave the line in which – for an hour – you’ve stood
And think of more practical uses for things you have got
Instead of daydreams that engender greedmaking thought
That is brought on by just one Mega payday
But, instead, I part with a bit of my pay
And head home with just a small sliver of hope
Knowing I’ll lose, but a happier dope

(c) Remember you read it here first coffee
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/02/12 05:43 PM

Alexander the Great and his staff meetings

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6.00 p.m. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6.00 p.m. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6.00 p.m. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6.00 p.m.," he said, "Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed colour at 6.00 p.m. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6.00 p.m. by the colour change, and could consistently get to the 6.00 p.m. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the colour change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.

Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.

A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6.00 p.m., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a time-band, and in honour of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... Alexander's Rag Time-band!"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/02/12 05:56 PM

Joe was backpacking through Europe. He had been on the road for two weeks and was having the time of his life.

Late one afternoon a fierce rainstorm broke out. Suddenly he was drenched, cold and miserable. He searched frantically for shelter. Up ahead he could make out lights and a building of some kind. As Joe got closer he realized it was a monastery.

Joe knocked on the door and it opened. The monks welcomed him without hesitation and offered him food and shelter for the night.

Joe had a hot bath and put on some dry clothes while his own clothes were drying. He then sat down for dinner. It was fish and chips and it was delicious!

One of the monks, Brother James, came over to his table and asked, "Is everything all right my son?"

"Yes." he replied. "Everything is wonderful! I am truly grateful for all your kindness. And this is the most delicious fish and chips I have ever had. Tell me; would it be possible for me to personally compliment the chef?"

"Certainly," said the monk and he led him to the kitchen where he met two more monks, Brother John and Brother Samuel.

"Which one of you do I have to thank for that great dinner of fish and chips?" Joe asked.

Brother John smiled. "Well," he said, "I'm the fish friar and Brother Samuel is the chip monk."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/03/12 05:47 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/04/12 04:38 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/07/12 11:42 AM

I had been at the archaeological site in Southern Turkey for only a few weeks, when it became obvious to me that we needed to install an incentive program for the Kurdish workers who comprised the bulk of our diggers. So I began offering a sliding scale of rewards for special finds. The ultimate find was a complete pot or bowl with writing on it, which would earn the finder a cool ten dollars.

One evening I was enjoying a roasted chicken for dinner when two of my best workers interrupted me. They had each seen a complete bowl at the same time, and each wanted the $10. I offered them $5 apiece, but they refused, each saying he deserved the full reward. They drew knives and began to face off, when I had an idea. I pulled the wishbone out of the chicken and explained to them how we used to pull wishbones when I was a kid, with the one getting the longer piece being the winner. Being great gamblers, they agreed on this solution, and both went away happy, one with the ten bucks and the other consoled by the fact that it was just luck. Yes, I just stilled two Kurds with one bone.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/07/12 07:11 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/07/12 07:11 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/07/12 07:13 PM

RIP: Thomas Kinkade

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/10/12 04:19 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/10/12 04:19 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/13/12 06:04 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/16/12 01:28 AM



OK, so it's not really American Humor. Close enough. grin
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/21/12 03:48 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/21/12 09:07 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/23/12 08:44 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/24/12 11:39 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/24/12 11:55 PM

Family Guy vs Christianity
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/26/12 12:11 AM

We're Just Friends
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/26/12 06:43 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/29/12 06:13 PM

35 Animals Who Are Kind Of Worried About You
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/29/12 08:37 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/29/12 08:41 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/02/12 06:11 PM

Rambo
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/02/12 06:11 PM

Window
Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/02/12 06:23 PM

At last, a thread that can stay on topic... smile

I needed some humor today

thx Golem
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/02/12 06:27 PM

Billy Bob, went off to a NASCAR race, where they had a drawing for a trip to Atlanta. Billy Bob won, so for the first time in their lives Billy Bob, Lola Mae, and son Bubba went to the big city. The cab deposited them at their hotel, and while they were waiting to check in Lola Mae went out to smoke a cigarette.

Billy Bob and Bubba are standing in the lobby, just staring, when a little old lady crept by, borne up by a walker, pushed a button, and when the door opened she went in. A couple of minutes later the bell dinged, the door opened, and out stepped a tall gorgeous redhead. A huge fat woman who was waiting in front of the door went through the door, and it closed again. A minute later the bell dinged, the door opened, and out came a really foxy redhead with legs from here to there.

Billy Bob turned to Bubba. "Go git your mother. Now."
Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/03/12 02:30 AM



FULL SIZE PICTURE LINK - best enjoyed full screen.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/08/12 06:36 PM

Original photo

From FReeper "Roscoe Karns"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/08/12 08:06 PM

Here is a good map of Canada.
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/09/12 09:55 PM

Only visible at very high resolution is a little dot off the left coast. numan is an island.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/10/12 04:01 PM

Scroll down and read the reviews.
Posted by: itstarted

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/10/12 07:19 PM

OH, Nooooo......

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/11/12 07:54 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/11/12 07:55 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/11/12 07:56 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/11/12 07:56 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/11/12 08:02 PM

ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/11/12 11:41 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/11/12 11:51 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/12/12 12:17 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem

Whoa! Mitt Romney is using this watch for his campaign platform!
Originally Posted By: mittromney
Value: Poor people can't buy it, which makes it automatically better. The sad-face expressions on people at the soup kitchen when I show it off are beyond priceless. One time I made a guy think I was going to give it to him because he liked it, but then I was like "naw man, you would probably just sell it and buy a house or something. That's lame."

Ability to conquer foreign lands: This watch actually caused several earthquakes in third-world countries when I set my alarm for multiple time zones.

Ability to offend hippies: It offends hippies. All of them.

Ability to offend bleeding-heart whiners: This one chick was like "you could sell that and build a house for poor people!" And I was like "yeah, I totally could. But that would be stupid because then I wouldn't have this awesome watch." She was upset, which was pretty cool.

Ability to cure disease: If everyone bought this watch, absolutely no money would go to disease research and all the people with disease would die so all the disease would die with them. It's sound logic and in the owner's manual for the watch.
Awesome!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/15/12 09:41 PM

A woman was looking to renew and update her welfare status.

Welfare agent: “Your application states that your husband died five years ago, but you report children aged four, three, two, one, and one in the oven. Can you explain this?”

Applicant: ”He died, I didn’t!”
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/18/12 05:55 PM

Heh
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/23/12 08:33 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/25/12 03:39 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/03/12 05:06 PM

Sometimes, The Right Song Makes All The Difference in a Video
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/03/12 05:06 PM

This quadcopter is made from a taxidermied cat
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/04/12 04:53 PM

Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/08/12 02:47 AM

Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/08/12 08:57 AM

AD PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY



FULL SIZE LINK
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/12 09:10 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/12 11:01 PM

"Three tomatoes are walking down the street. Papa tomato, Mama tomato, Baby tomato... Baby tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa tomato gets really angry and goes back and squishes him and says catch up." - Mia in Pulp Fiction
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/15/12 01:10 AM

Bored Husband: Why Mr Murray can no longer go shopping

Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along to go shopping.


Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the store loyalty Card, the manager of our store is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


Yours sincerely,

Store Manager
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/16/12 04:46 PM

What if Dr. Seuss wrote The Call of Cthulhu?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/12 12:50 AM

Fart SoundBoard

"You're only young once, but you can be immature forever." -- Germaine Greer
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/12 01:19 AM

Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/12 01:44 AM

Whoa right there, mate! What the hell is this about Cthulu doing in a humour thread? Vile humours indeed, when that book is read!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/21/12 04:49 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/21/12 05:04 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/12 04:20 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/12 04:21 PM

Cleveland
Posted by: Ozymanithrax

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/12 04:59 PM

Being a liberal is so hard.
Posted by: Ozymanithrax

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/12 05:22 PM


From http://xkcd.com/1074/A webcomic of romance,
sarcasm, math, and language.
Posted by: Ozymanithrax

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/12 06:08 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/12 06:23 PM

'

Well, they have a great future -- either in politics or in a psych ward.

Especially --

"I will stalk you, manipulate you, physically abuse you, treat you like an incompetent child, and contemplate killing you regularly."

He could reach the highest levels of political life.
Posted by: Ozymanithrax

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/28/12 05:50 AM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/28/12 05:00 PM

'
I found one that was amusing -- but it took a while!

Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/29/12 04:11 AM

Fella walks into the doctor's office. Says, Doc, I think I got VD.
Doctor asks, does your penis burn after you urinate or have sex?

Guy says, I dunno Doc, I never tried to light it.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/29/12 05:16 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/29/12 08:58 PM

Rules for the Cat
Posted by: Sandune

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/30/12 04:04 PM

http://www.facebook.com/bluelechat

My youngest daughter has no children and supervised the facebook page on her Siamese cat. Note he has a friend named Clawed Monet. There's some funny stuff on this page. I have two cats that are black and two daughters who are not.

Last week on Morning Joe, the Emanuele brothers were guests: Rahm, who is the major of Chicago, Zeke who is a Medical Doctor and Aron who is a college professor. They told the story of sharing a bedroom where they had bunk beds and the crib. The two older boys would climb to the top of the bunks and jump off landing on the crib to see how far they could make the baby flip. I was laughing so hard I had to run for the potty. Mika then asked how their mother was and Zeke aaid "she is fine, but she still on her Meds."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/30/12 06:02 PM



http://cheezburger.com/6375790336
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/30/12 06:13 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/01/12 04:44 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/01/12 06:12 PM

How to dance to dubstep - Pentecostal edition

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/01/12 10:42 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/02/12 06:33 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/12 03:27 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/12 04:28 PM

Posted by: Schlack

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/12 10:20 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/05/12 11:38 PM

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches,' which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"Tell me," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this s***?"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/06/12 03:30 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/06/12 06:32 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/06/12 06:54 PM

ROTFMOL
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/07/12 06:03 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/07/12 07:19 PM

Where did HE come from? Hilarious moment cat jumped on TV news reporter during live broadcast
Christine Show
The Daily Mail
July 6, 2012

Quote:
A cat spooked a television reporter when it jumped on the woman's back as she did a live shot in front of a camera for a local newscast.

More, with pics and video
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/07/12 07:28 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/07/12 07:40 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/08/12 08:56 PM

Voting
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/09/12 12:27 PM

What other person?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/09/12 02:13 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/09/12 02:46 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/10/12 01:18 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/11/12 03:11 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/12/12 06:15 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/12/12 09:59 PM

Posted by: itstarted

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/12/12 11:50 PM


Re: Turing machines... ROTFMOL
..........................................

From my redneck republican friend:

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in West Virginia, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Virginia drawl, pierced the quiet and said: 'Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/13/12 02:09 AM

>sweeps out the same area every night

ROTFMOL

I need to check the humor thread more often!
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/13/12 11:59 AM



source
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/13/12 06:59 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/13/12 08:59 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/14/12 01:57 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/15/12 03:08 AM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/15/12 03:21 AM

noomie, yer stick figger cartoons are xsellent. A gold mine. Hyoumerus.

Keep 'em coming.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/15/12 04:24 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/15/12 07:57 PM


Source
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/15/12 08:05 PM

One of my favorites, Phil. ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/16/12 04:31 AM

The nuns gathered around the Mother Superior's bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Bushmills Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail old nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

"Don't sell that cow."
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/16/12 03:21 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/16/12 05:16 PM

So this guy and his wife are on the 15 floor of hotel having an argument. It is getting heated and she threatens to jump out the window. The husband calls down to the hotel manager and tells him his wife is threatening to jump.

The manager asks, "Is it a personal problem?"

The husband says, "No, it's a maintenance problem. I can't get the window open."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/16/12 05:17 PM

Repairs
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/16/12 05:17 PM

Walmart
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/17/12 04:35 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/17/12 05:26 PM

Astronomy
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/17/12 06:39 PM

GET SPOCK UP HERE!
Posted by: itstarted

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/18/12 01:47 AM

One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes.
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/18/12 01:48 AM



Is that true Numan -- the Canadian part?
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/18/12 11:30 AM

Reminds me of the extremely rich young fellow who went on a month's vacation, during which he booked 28 straight days of solo rounds at Pebble Beach. THAT cost a mint.

The third morning he is on the 3d tee when he glances behind him and sees this gorgeous young thing in the flight behind him, also playing solo. He waits for her to catch up, and they play the rest of the round together. Afterwards they stop at the 19th for drinks, and she invites him home.

There she cooks him a gourmet meal, paired with wine that had to have cost $300 a bottle. She then performs absolutely fantastic oral sex on him, but will not let him spend the night.

The next day is a repeat, as is the next. Great golf, great food, great wine, great oral sex, but nothing more. The guy finally says, "Darling, I would like to have sex with you."

She says, "Actually, that's impossible. You see, I'm a transvestite."

The guy sits in shock for a minute, then screams at the top of his lungs, "You bitch! You've been playing from the ladies' tee all this time!"
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/18/12 05:30 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/18/12 08:44 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/19/12 06:08 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/19/12 06:50 PM

This polish farmer is plowing his field one day, and the plow strikes something hard in the ground. Expecting another stone, he digs it up only to find a lamp. As he's rubbing it clean, a genie pops out and says, "For rescuing me, I will grant you three wishes."

The farmer thinks about it for a moment and then says, "I wish that Mongol hordes would invade Poland and then go home." The genie waves his hand, and Mongol hordes stream into Poland, loot his house, and go home.

The genie asks, "what is your second wish?" Again, the farmer says, "I wish that Mongol hordes would invade Poland and then go home." The genie waves his hand again, and Mongol hordes stream into Poland, steal his livestock, and go home.

The genie asks, "what is your third wish?" And again, the farmer says, "I wish that Mongol hordes would invade Poland and then go home." The genie waves his hand one last time, and Mongol hordes stream into Poland, burn down his farm, and go home.

The genie then says to the farmer, "I have granted you your three wishes. But I must know, why did you wish for Mongol hordes to invade your country and then go home three times?"

The farmer replies, "Because they had to go through Russia six times!"
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/19/12 07:41 PM

I just stole that one. But I am not going to tell you what the car wax said to the furniture wax because I do not repeat polish jokes.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/19/12 08:12 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/20/12 05:48 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/20/12 06:51 PM

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/20/12 09:01 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/21/12 01:06 AM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/21/12 04:25 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/22/12 04:59 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/22/12 06:22 PM

Posted by: Ozymanithrax

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/22/12 06:32 PM

Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floorhas wives that love sex.

The second floorhas wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifthand sixthfloors have never been visited.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/12 02:37 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem

Haha! I have a cat that does that! Every open box has to be sat in.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/12 03:17 AM

Originally Posted By: logtroll

Haha! I have a cat that does that! Every open box has to be sat in.

Remember when you came home from the grocery store? You would empty the grocery bags. You might drop those bags on the floor. When you went to pick a bag up, it would be strangely heavy.

Also, you would be in the kitchen and when you used your can opener - whether or not it was manual or electric - a four legged feline critter would just happen to stroll in.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/12 02:45 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/12 04:28 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/12 05:18 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/12 09:10 PM

'
A Canadian, and an American are walking together down a road, when they stumble upon a lamp with a genie in it. After they rub the lamp, a Genie pops out and says, "Okay, you each get one wish each, who's going first?"

American: "Me, ME, ME!!! I want a 20-foot brick wall around all of the USA to keep the Canadians out."

Genie: "Granted!" POOF

Genie: "Okay Canadian, It's Your turn!"

Canadian: "Is that wall you put around the USA waterproof?"

Genie: "Yup!"

Canadian: "Fill 'er Up!"
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/12 09:31 PM

Canucks love skeeters and muskeg. "Fraid the latitude might make more reg'lar swampland than muskeg, though.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/12 10:42 PM

'
CANADA APOLOGIZES TO THE USA
A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television :

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audience we did, and you flooded our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, MUCH better than yours. By way of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it!! It's very nice.

Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/12 11:37 PM

Originally Posted By: numan
...
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. ...

Not to pick, or nuthin', but...

Canadian forests
Quote:
There is 35% more mill capacity in BC than there is forest on Crown land, but that isn't stopping BC's companies. ...In the Yukon, the federal government is giving away the ecologically-sensitive boreal forest to BC companies for only $7.00 a truckload.

Quote:
AAC reductions on government land in BC have been forced because there's not enough wood left.

Quote:
Companies in areas that have little wood left are pushing into BC's boreal forest to the north. The government's Timber Supply Review for the last great untapped reserve of boreal forest in northwest BC has paved the way by stating logging could be maintained at ten times the current rate. If approved, this cutting rate would devastate the area's forest, its wildlife, and the livelihoods of the many people, including native Indians, who live off the land or make their living as tourism guides. Growing conditions in these northern regions are so difficult that it is doubtful whether these forests will grow back once they have been cut...

Quote:
When last seen by the BC public, this Forest Practices Code expressly allowed 40-hectare clearcuts, made provisions for much larger clearcuts under the excuse of eradicating insect infestations and disease, did not require a sustainable rate of harvest, did not give adequate protection to fish-bearing streams or domestic watersheds, and gave district forest managers the discretion to disobey virtually any and all of its so-called regulations. It offered no protection for biodiversity under the law, only discretionary guidelines, and it is said that now even these are being gutted.
A recent scientific report says the west coast fishery may be on the verge of collapse.A recent study showed that the new Forest Practices Code is overwhelmingly inferior to forest practices now required across the border in the United States.


I truly wish Canadians would wake up from their zombie-like trance and do something about the rapacious corporatists to whom they are enslaved.

(It is humorous how pointing one's nose too up in the air so deprives the owner of detecting what is going on just beneath it!)



Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/12 01:37 AM

Quote:
Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

ROTFMOL

That was funny. Was being the key word. The craft beer brewed in the US got so good (in the past 30 years) that the Canadians were forced to follow suit and brew some decent brew themselves.

Molsons, Labatts, Kokanee, and even Moosehead were at one time slightly superior to US macrobrews but it took the good ol US of A to show them Canucks how to brew a decent craft brew. So the eh’ers to the north had to follow suit.
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/12 02:57 PM

Potatoes



Well,
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard- boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for
her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw?!?!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?

*

*

OK!
Here it is!

*

*
*


*

A
COMMONTATER
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/12 03:21 PM

That was appealing.
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/12 03:23 PM

And I assume that when she told her parents of her plans she had stars in all of her eyes.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/12 05:39 PM

Originally Posted By: Ted Remington
That was appealing.

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/12 05:40 PM




This is the real A-Team intro:

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/12 05:44 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/12 07:40 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/12 08:07 PM

'
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
(Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95)

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No.... I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP !!


Canadians: This is a lighthouse.... Your call.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/12 11:03 PM

Originally Posted By: numan
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

I've heard this many times. I finally decided to check it out.

Snopes

Wikipedia
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/12 11:19 PM

Oh, no, noomie!!

Say, while I've got you on the line, can I order some cheap, high quality Canadian lumber and some cheap, top-shelf canuck beer?
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/25/12 12:18 AM

Never-Going-To-Give-You-Up? I don’t get it. I there something I am missing there?

Is this funny?
Posted by: Schlack

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/25/12 12:22 AM

Originally Posted By: Ken Condon
Never-Going-To-Give-You-Up? I don’t get it. I there something I am missing there?

Is this funny?


real life funny? no, internet funny? perhaps
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/25/12 12:32 AM

dunce

OK-I “get” it now. Or do I?
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/25/12 07:15 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
Originally Posted By: numan
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

I've heard this many times. I finally decided to check it out.

Snopes

Wikipedia
You doubting Golem you. The nerve of you to try to prove that an anti-American joke is not based on truth, despite the attestation of the perpetrator. You should be ashamed.
Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/25/12 07:24 PM

I don't think jokes need to be true.
Even if they are "told for the truth"
Let's try to keep this thread for humor rather than attacks on those who tell the jokes.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/25/12 09:03 PM

'
Originally Posted By: Golem
Originally Posted By: numan
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

I've heard this many times. I finally decided to check it out.

Er...You mean to say that you actually took that part of the joke seriously?

It was obviously part of the humour !! · · wink
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/25/12 09:04 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/25/12 10:27 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/26/12 03:26 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/27/12 01:03 AM

But it wasn't actually derivative, because Newton failed to tell anybody about his invention until Leibniz published! And in that spirit, we all use Leibniz's nomenclature and operation symbols to this day.

Newton was undoubtedly a genius of the first order, but from what I read he also sounds like kind of a jerk.
Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/27/12 03:56 AM

Did you happen to read The Baroque Cycle?
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/27/12 06:06 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/28/12 12:56 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/28/12 03:46 PM

NSFW
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/28/12 04:12 PM

Say! Is there a version of that for Patriotism?
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/28/12 05:38 PM

'
Make it up for yourself.

I would do it, but there might be children reading these posts.

[Well, it is at least conceivable].
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/29/12 04:48 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/29/12 05:14 PM



We live in a world where there are actual fleets of robot assassins patroling the skies
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/30/12 12:08 PM

Originally Posted By: numan
He also never forgot what's Watt.

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm. tonbricks
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/30/12 12:23 PM

Why're you tormenting us so?! Hmm
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/30/12 12:39 PM

I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle, but they wooden lead me whistle.
I bought a copper whistle, but the copper wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle, and steel the copper wooden lead me whistle!
Then I bought a tin whistle, and now I tin whistle. smile
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/30/12 05:28 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/30/12 09:35 PM

Quote:
Did you happen to read The Baroque Cycle?


Yes, I did. That's how I became interested in the great calculus invention controversy. Stephenson was writing an entertaining novel, but managed to incorporate a lot of historical fact. Here's an interesting link:

Leibniz-Newton calculus controversy wiki page

Quote:
In any event, a bias favoring Newton tainted the whole affair from the outset. The Royal Society set up a committee to pronounce on the priority dispute, in response to a letter it had received from Leibniz. That committee never asked Leibniz to give his version of the events. The report of the committee, finding in favor of Newton, was written by Newton himself and published as "Commercium Epistolicum" (mentioned above) early in 1713. But Leibniz did not see it until the autumn of 1714.


Nice trick: Writing the report of the committee investigating yourself! LOL
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/31/12 06:06 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/01/12 07:04 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/02/12 07:13 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/03/12 06:48 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/03/12 06:56 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/03/12 09:49 PM

'

I think there are rather a lot of Americans who see themselves that way.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/03/12 09:50 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/04/12 07:17 PM



I believe the truth always lies between the most extreme claims
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/05/12 05:07 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/06/12 04:29 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/06/12 08:12 PM

Good one, Golem!


THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works well in the other "red" states, where Obamacare cannot go.
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/12 01:02 AM

We do not live in a world where there are fleets of robot assassins patrolling the sky.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/12 07:42 AM

'

Ha, ha -- very funny, Ted.
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/12 10:32 AM

One would be enlightened by examining the difference between robotic and remote controlled. Just saying, mind you.

I was hanging out over the weekend with a group of people whom I have known online for many years. One of them told me that Ramón Mercader, Trotsky's assassin, gained access to him by announcing himself at the door and telling him "I am here to pick your brain."

Cerebral humor.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/12 03:22 PM



Using a ring to bind someone you covet into your dark and twisted world? Wow!....
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/12 05:40 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/12 05:44 PM

Mars
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/12 06:18 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
Communication from Fearless Leader to Martian Minions: "Quick! Get under the rocks. They're here looking for little green men, and we can't make it too easy for them...SO GET YOUR MUG OUTTA THE LENS!!! We don't want them up here taking our rich red dirt. If they find out we can get a crop of little greenies only 45 days after planting, we'll lose the entire planet surface to Monsanto.

Or the personnel department for that Mini-Cooper company, 'cuz we fit in small places. Being only a foot and half high and all.

Did they finally send William Shatner?

Speaking of Monsanto, we don't want none of their polluted DNA, pesticide making foodstuffs from GMO seed up here. Just real, home cooked earth food would be the nicest treat in the Solar System. But, this crazy truck has no food. Not even a...

Do those geniuses at NASA think we like doing moonshots for cheese? Didn't the bleedin' name of this Planet give them the least, little, smidgen of a hint?

And don't forget writing up the report due on the fancy-schmancy Mars Mission Dune Rover. It looks like an explosion in the Erector Set Factory fer gunnus sake. What do they think they're going to find in the middle of a field of red dirt. A Martian/Chinese joint venture auto factory buried 65 feet down? It's globalism, not galaxy-ism.

BTW, don't forget to send Earthlings a message that if they send us Donald Trump, we're sending him back. He'll be fired before he arrives, if only because comb overs aren't allowed and we don't like destroyers of Scottish dunes so that the "world's greatest golf course" could be built in a sensitive ecosystem. Article on Trump Golf Course and Magical Approval of the Scheme

Fearless Leader Signing Off-- And Don't Forget The Prime Directive.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/12 06:35 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/12 06:45 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/12 11:11 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/08/12 06:23 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/09/12 04:15 PM

What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.

A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog.
She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.

She said to the little old lady,
"That smells like s***."
The little old lady said,
"It is.

I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/09/12 04:21 PM

ROTFMOL
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/09/12 06:19 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/10/12 05:21 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/10/12 07:03 PM



'I had a hard time with ayn rand because I found myself enthusiastically agreeing with the first 90% of every sentence, but getting lost at, "therefore be a huge a--hole to everybody."'
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/11/12 03:30 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/12/12 05:41 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/12/12 11:24 PM

Have you ever wondered what the difference between grannies and grandads is?

A 5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school daily by her grandfather.

One day when he had a bad cold, his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!

"What made it different?" asked her parents.

She replied, "Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, Asian prick, or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!"
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/13/12 11:38 AM

She probably navigated to school on the wrong route using the old Tate's Patented Compass, invented and patented by my late uncle Tate Remington. It was beautiful to look at, but never pointed north. Within the family we knew that "he who has a Tate's is lost."
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/13/12 04:21 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/13/12 07:54 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/13/12 09:37 PM

Looks as though someone photochopped his tail.
Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/14/12 03:25 AM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/14/12 02:04 PM



I'll never forget you -- at least, the parts of you that were important red flags
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/14/12 04:17 PM

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/14/12 05:29 PM

ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/14/12 05:29 PM

Why Men Oversleep

BRAIN – SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We’re picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it’s “The Last Train to Clarksville.”
CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness… darkness… Wait, there’s a woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to “wife,” sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what’s going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we’ve taken a hit, it… it looks bad, sir.
CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about 1900 hours and we’ve been out of action ever since. I don’t… I don’t know if she can take much more, Captain.
CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We’re all counting on you up here. Don’t give up now. Remember the chilli of’ 94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.
CENTRAL: Good man.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, I’ve got a visual on the clock!
CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It’s horrible.
CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE: It’s… It’s six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought… I thought that we’d had the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what’s going to happen if we go conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
CENTRAL: That’s right, Number One. It’ll be work, all right. I don’t… I don’t know if I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
CENTRAL: Hmmm?
NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let’s get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I’m trying to think. Get our remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder!
BLADDER: Yes sir?
CENTRAL: How are you holding?
BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three hours, easy.
CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE: Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn’t think…
CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE: Thank you, sir.
CENTRAL: Nose, I’m afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a burrito last night.
NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
CENTRAL: I said steady! You’re going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold on, and it will pass. I don’t want ANYTHING getting through to Consciousness.
NOSE: Yes sir. I’ll try, sir.
CENTRAL: That’s the spirit. Stomach!
STOMACH: Sir?
CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
STOMACH: We’ve been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in flames. I’m trying to keep it contained, but I can’t promise anything.
CENTRAL: Damn!
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I’ll call him when I need him. Any report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.
CENTRAL: Number One, I don’t mind telling you, if we don’t get this under control we’re going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It’s going to commercial, sir.
CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We’ve lost smile control in the lower facial and we’re developing a frown.
CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I’m afraid we’ve had it.
NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on target!
CENTRAL: Fire!
NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
CENTRAL: Ears!
NUMBER ONE: It’s gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CENTRAL: We’ve done it!
SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready.
CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir.
CENTRAL: Request denied. Let’s roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is rolling, sir.
CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/14/12 06:32 PM

ROTFMOL
That is a classic
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/15/12 05:52 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/15/12 10:07 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/16/12 03:48 PM

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I don't do any drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?"

"No," I said...

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a s***?"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/16/12 04:06 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/16/12 05:25 PM

'
Originally Posted By: loganrbt

Isiah [SIC!] and Handel said it best:
"All we like sheep have gone astray"

Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/16/12 09:24 PM

That short video reminds me of a cat that used to own me. I'd gone to dinner with a date, and this man was so nice he'd brought me a dozen red roses. Prior to leaving my flat, I put the roses into a lovely vase, added water, and put them atop the refrigerator. I surrounded the flowers with boxes of cereal and other things to hide the flowers, all of which would fall down on her head if she tried to get to the long stemmed roses. I thought it a clever way to discourage any kitty foul play.

When we returned from a lovely meal, I invited this nice gentleman up for a cuppa, and so we could continue our conversation. He and I walked into the kitchen, and atop the fridge, found a dozen rose free long stems, with rose blossoms scattered across the kitchen floor. A few had been transformed into kitty hockey pucks. Foul play indeed.

One didn't need to be Sherlock Holmes to determine who was not guilty.

At that moment, there was a sound of a cell phone ringing. He answered, and hadn't thought that I'd overhear both sides of the conversation. On the other end, a woman's voice asked him to bring something nice to drink and pastries for breakfast. I swear she purred like a kitten. Parts of what I overheard cannot be posted on a site monitored by the FCC, if you get my drift.

He'd left the speaker function on. No matter, I have the hearing of a fruit bat.

He left without that cuppa and our conversation was certainly over. And out. He was very, very, very out.

I praised that cat for weeks. She had extraordinary sense of character. His. I knew enough to be grateful for having such a good watch-cat.

Gooooooooooood Kittie! violin
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/18/12 02:00 AM

A man was caught in a flood and climbed onto the roof of his house. "Lord save me!" he cried into the rain.

A man floating by in a canoe back-paddled and offered him a lift to safety. The man replied "No, the Lord will save me."

Later on, with the water rising, a motorboat came by and offered the man a lift. The man replied, "No thank you, the Lord will save me."

When the man was perched on the very ridgepole with water up to his waist, a helicopter hovered overhead and offered to drop a rope and winch him aboard. The man replied, "No thank you, the Lord will save me."

The man drowned soon after. He found himself in front of the unimaginable majesty of God. Prostrating himself, he wailed, "Lord, why did you not save me!"

God looked at him for a second and said, "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/18/12 08:02 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/18/12 09:06 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/18/12 09:24 PM

Kind of how I always felt in gym class smile
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/18/12 09:49 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
The dog in the back was a frequent flyer in my neighborhood. Unlike normal dogs, he could only go through fences or barriers if he was able to pick the lock on the gate first.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/18/12 11:16 PM

Originally Posted By: Phil Hoskins
Kind of how I always felt in gym class smile


You chased dogs in gym?
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/18/12 11:51 PM

Wait ... didn't you?
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/19/12 12:14 AM

Nah, the dogs mos' gen'ly chased me. Hmm
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/20/12 06:05 PM

gymkhana?
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/20/12 10:18 PM

Steeplechase?
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/21/12 03:25 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/22/12 02:21 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/22/12 04:02 PM

The pastor of a church had called all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the front of the church and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the Resurrection. Does anyone know what the Resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, "Please, tell us what the Resurrection is."

The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/23/12 03:52 AM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/23/12 05:38 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/23/12 11:55 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/24/12 12:30 AM

Amen!
ThumbsUp
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/24/12 12:42 AM

This guy goes to the doctor and says to him, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but every time I fart it sounds like the word 'Honda'."

"That's interesting. Never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy says, "Sure." He farts and sure enough the doctor hears, "Honda."

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy's farts say, "Honda." It is a completely out-of-this-world medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist.

After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opens up the guy's mouth and examines it.

The dentist says "A-ha! I have solved the problem."

The patient says "What is it? What is it? Please tell me doc."

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."

The guy says "Yeah. So what has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies, "Can't you see? Abscess makes the fart go 'Honda'."
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/24/12 12:57 AM

Quote:
Human subcultures are nested fractally.


It's turtles all the way down!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/24/12 06:18 PM

White Supremacists Prepare for Racial Holy War
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/25/12 02:47 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/25/12 04:11 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/25/12 04:26 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/25/12 06:48 PM

'
Everyone knows the story of God creating the world in 6 days, and resting on the 7th....Well on the 8th day, God and the angel Gabriel were looking down on the world, and God says to Gabriel "I am happy with my creating Gabriel, so happy, in fact, that today I will create the best land in the world, and I will call this land Canada. Oh Gabriel, it will be most beautiful. I will give it tall majestic mountains, and wide open prairies....I will give it not 1, not even 2, but 3 oceans....I will cover this land in rich green forests, deep blue lakes, crystal clear rivers and beautiful wild life for them to enjoy....I will let them experience all 4 seasons, and I will populate this land with all different types of people....Nothing but the kindest, gentlest, most caring people in the world....And they shall be known as Canadians....These Canadians will be known around the world for their friendliness, and compassion for others, and will be well respected by all....They will rise up in the face of tyranny, and help crush evil that threatens the world. They will be intellegent, and use this intellegence for the good of the world...." God keeps going on like this for awhile....and by this time Gabriel has become quite worried, so finally he says...."God, I don't mean to question you, but don't you think that you may be giving these Canadians a little to much?".....God looks upon Gabriel and smiles, then says, "Don't worry, Gabriel....Wait till you see the neighbours I am giving them!"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/26/12 04:45 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/26/12 08:58 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/26/12 09:16 PM

Did she even know if he would come or not?
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/26/12 10:32 PM

Guy goes into a bar where there's a robot bartender.The robot says, "What'll you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What'll you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers .

The guy leaves, but finds it interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What'll you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, 'bout 50.

The robot leans in close and says, "So, you going to vote for Romney?"
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/26/12 11:32 PM


I've looked at clouds from both sides now....
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/30/12 08:46 PM

The 20 Awesomest GIFs of Cats Being Dicks
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/31/12 02:17 AM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/31/12 02:25 AM

Overheard at church, "Thank God we weren't killed in the tornado that destroyed our house!"
Posted by: Spag-hetti

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/31/12 03:00 AM

Quote:
Logtroll said:
Overheard at church, "Thank God we weren't killed in the tornado that destroyed our house!"


Faint praise.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/31/12 05:10 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/31/12 10:51 PM



Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/02/12 06:30 PM


That eggplant is in something of a flaccid state.
Posted by: issodhos

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/02/12 06:43 PM

Actually, I think it is symbolically accurate -- an empty chair for an empty suit. coffee
Yours,
Issodhos
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/03/12 05:02 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/03/12 07:53 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/04/12 03:19 AM

Actual Craigslist ad:

Quote:
my wife is making me sell this super awesome nightstand - $40 (Clinton, MS)

Date: 2012-09-01, 4:11PM EDT

This nightstand is super awesome. In fact, it's so awesome my wife is making me get rid of it. The nightstand comes complete with two drawers. I mainly used one drawer to store a bunch of magazines I never had time to read, and the other drawer stored a bunch of old license plates that I wasn't allowed to hang up in our bedroom. Also, I have never vomited inside the nightstand.

The nightstand is pretty old, it's a hand me down from my dad. However, it has served me well and hopefully it can serve you well until your wife makes you sell it.

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/04/12 04:15 PM

Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/04/12 05:15 PM





Yeah. It's been one of those days.
Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/05/12 03:08 AM

Quote:
That eggplant is in something of a flaccid state.


Depends on how you look at it

This is the view from Canada.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/05/12 04:00 PM

'
Yes, Greger, it is true that from Canada (and from much of the rest of the world) the United States appears to be afflicted by an over-abundance (or rather, superfluity) of testosterone. · · wink

By the way, notice the two mitts stretching to clutch Canada.

One shudders to think what US intentions are -- considering the state Florida is in !!
Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/05/12 06:38 PM

?
Florida isn't in a state, Florida is a state!
rolleyes LOL
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/05/12 07:07 PM

'

It's a state in a state of ________ [fill in the blank].
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/05/12 09:26 PM

Don't worry about Maine.

Everybody knows you caan't git tharr fraum hare.

And if that's true, they can't get anywhere from wherever they are.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/06/12 07:46 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/06/12 09:49 PM

LOL ROTFMOL

Thank you. Bow
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/12 02:20 AM

NSFW
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/12 03:52 PM

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Liz, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "[censored]".

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Liz called him a "s*** head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with ROMNEY stickers on it!!!!
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/12 07:31 PM

Now that's making good use of an afternoon. Bow
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/12 08:02 PM

Originally Posted By: Phil Hoskins
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with ROMNEY stickers on it!!!!

Phil, I do believe that I'm going to borrow this. Needless to say, I'll be making some alterations. grin
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/12 08:55 PM

Posted by: AustinRanter

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/12 08:57 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem


Golem...I have to say. You post some hilarious stuff.

Thanks...we all need a good laugh...as often as possible.
Posted by: AustinRanter

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/12 08:59 PM

Originally Posted By: Phil Hoskins
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Liz, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "[censored]".

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Liz called him a "s*** head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with ROMNEY stickers on it!!!!


Phil...this is indeed a knee slapper...too frickin funny. Bow
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/12 09:01 PM

Go, Lem! Go, Lem! Yeah, I appreciate the funnies, too.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/12 10:09 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/09/12 07:29 PM

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/09/12 08:48 PM

ROTFMOL
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/10/12 07:18 PM

Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/11/12 04:26 PM

Originally Posted By: numan
The story of my life...
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/11/12 04:59 PM

'
Well, at least you are aware of it, Diamond Lil !!
Most people aren't. · · wink

Count your blessings.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/12/12 03:22 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/12/12 03:33 AM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/12/12 07:20 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/12/12 08:53 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/12/12 09:06 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/12/12 10:07 PM

'

Thank you for such a classy piece of humor.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/12/12 10:13 PM

You're welcome.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/12/12 10:15 PM



There is obviously no hope for the language of Shakespeare, Milton and Shelley.
Woe ! Woe ! · · · ·
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/12/12 10:48 PM

Originally Posted By: numan


There is obviously no hope for the language of Shakespeare, Milton and Shelley.
Woe ! Woe ! · · · ·
Wud dat b Wo iz I, or Wo is Me?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/12/12 11:30 PM

And here are more Creation parodies ...
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/13/12 12:40 AM

The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/13/12 03:58 AM

Catholic Bragging

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast size, 24-inch waist and 34-inch hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/13/12 06:15 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/13/12 10:00 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/13/12 10:06 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/14/12 04:43 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/14/12 06:38 PM

Quote:
The former Governor of Michigan's appearance on the Dating Game in 1978. Ms. Granholm was 19 years of age at the time.


Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/15/12 02:13 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/16/12 07:21 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/17/12 03:49 PM

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.







When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.







The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.







I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'
The old guy obeys and says,



"99"



The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,



'99'



Again, the old guy says,



'99'
The doctor said, “Very good”.



Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.



I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis



to keep it out of the way.



Now take a deep breath and say,






'99'






The old guy begins,






"One...









two…












three…"




You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/17/12 04:21 PM

ROTFMOL
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/17/12 09:18 PM

The Mission Hospital has not approved this procedure, and rumor has it they warn all and sundry not to try this at home. tonbricks
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/19/12 03:54 AM

Click on images to enlarge.

If Historical Events had Facebook Statuses - Part 1

If Historical Events had Facebook Statuses - Part 2

If God were on Facebook
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/19/12 03:49 PM

I'd love to read these, but the thing is too small for my aging eyes, and it won't enlarge further. Is there some way to post them larger, and then when I key in the enlarger, it won't stop before I can read these.

I presume from being able to read Abe Lincoln's name, that Mary Todd Lincoln still didn't like the play.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/19/12 05:24 PM

Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/19/12 09:54 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
How many kittens in that litter, anyway? I kept watching for a while, and there were at least a dozen. gobsmacked

Poor mama! Bow
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/20/12 04:25 PM

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR
NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/20/12 06:46 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/21/12 02:41 AM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/22/12 07:11 PM



Nach Freiheit strebt das Weib, der Mann nach Sitte.

----with apologies to Wolfgang von Goethe · · · grin

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/22/12 10:01 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/22/12 10:03 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/22/12 11:20 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/23/12 04:18 AM

Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/23/12 12:03 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem


ThumbsUp
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/23/12 03:56 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/23/12 11:53 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/24/12 12:00 AM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/24/12 07:44 PM


PI (3.14159265359....) is an infinitely complex arrangement of digits,
each, in the long run, no more likely to turn up than any other digit.
Yet PI can be completely defined by :
PI/4 = 1 - 1/3 + 1/5 - 1/7 + 1/9 - 1/11 + ······
An infinite object expressed by a finite number of symbols.
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/25/12 12:03 AM

Quote:
PI (3.14159265359....) is an infinitely complex arrangement of digits,
each, in the long run, no more likely to turn up than any other digit.
Yet PI can be completely defined by :
PI/4 = 1 - 1/3 + 1/5 - 1/7 + 1/9 - 1/11 + ······
An infinite object expressed by a finite number of symbols.

A small finite number of symbols, but an infinite number of terms.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/25/12 12:25 AM

noomie = pi(babble)

noomie, if you are magically selected to be coronated the Magnificent Fixer, may I apply for the position of Court Jester?
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/25/12 01:17 AM

'
Originally Posted By: logtroll
noomie, if you are magically selected to be coronated the Magnificent Fixer, may I apply for the position of Court Jester?

Logy, I think you are magnificently suited to be Court Jester -- Nth Class ! · · wink
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/25/12 11:20 AM

Originally Posted By: pondering_it_all
Quote:
PI (3.14159265359....) is an infinitely complex arrangement of digits,
each, in the long run, no more likely to turn up than any other digit.
Yet PI can be completely defined by :
PI/4 = 1 - 1/3 + 1/5 - 1/7 + 1/9 - 1/11 + ······
An infinite object expressed by a finite number of symbols.
A small finite number of symbols, but an infinite number of terms.

But the point is, you don't need an infinite number of terms !!!

Instead of the dots at the end, you can say, "and so on."

Or you can write, "the sum of the reciprocals of the odd numbers, alternating positive and negative terms, starting with plus one."

Where the questions of logic become really interesting is when you write something like :

"The largest number which can be expressed in eleven words."

[hint: the sentence above has ten words] · ·
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/26/12 02:16 AM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/26/12 04:48 PM

Evlution?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/26/12 04:57 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/28/12 04:13 PM

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed
in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know,Sir.
I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my
testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them
around and around gently.


Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/28/12 07:48 PM

This is one of the few times I wish I was Canadian.

ThumbsUp

I would definitely vote for Tuxedo Stan!

Tuxedo Stan Runs for Mayor
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/28/12 07:54 PM

That was a good one, Phil.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/29/12 02:56 AM

Listen to this guy laugh. Old, but classic. smile

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/29/12 07:11 PM

Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/29/12 07:25 PM

Originally Posted By: numan


Which means they are self-similar. Interesting thought... cool
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/29/12 08:57 PM

'
Good point, Ezekiel !!

"There are two mistakes you can make about people: one is to think that they are all the same, and the other is to think that they are different."
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/30/12 09:39 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/01/12 03:05 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/01/12 08:06 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/03/12 02:43 AM


Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/03/12 08:49 PM

Click the image to go to the link, and then click the image at the link to enlarge.

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/03/12 09:42 PM

NSFW - This may be a bit too much for some folks.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/05/12 07:57 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/05/12 07:57 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/06/12 04:31 PM

Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/06/12 05:21 PM

Originally Posted By: numan



Perfect! ThumbsUp
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/07/12 01:20 AM

Posted by: Irked

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/07/12 04:28 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem



LOL
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/07/12 01:19 PM

Now that is truly funny!

Posted by: Sandune

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/07/12 04:50 PM

Here's some advice from my pal in Virginia

Number 1 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 2 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 3 Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny . If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/07/12 05:27 PM

Originally Posted By: Sandune
Here's some advice from my pal in Virginia

Number 1 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 2 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 3 Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny . If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.





LOL
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/07/12 06:55 PM

'

Yes, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach -- and a little bit lower. · · wink
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/07/12 06:56 PM


I got lost and wandered into the world's creepiest cemetery, where the headstones just had names and star ratings. Freaked me out. When I got home I tried to leave the cemetery a bad review on Yelp, but as my hand hovered over the 'one star' button I felt this distant chill ....
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/07/12 07:01 PM

Click image to enlarge.

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/07/12 07:02 PM



King Kong Hand and Dress Costume
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/08/12 08:50 PM

Why I Hate Aging! I Mean, It's Really Getting Old!


Those old enough will know what he means! LOL


Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/09/12 01:36 AM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/10/12 04:15 PM

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding
salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more
it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke,

"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady
struggled to stand,
and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God,
but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

Gotta love those senior citizens!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/10/12 07:13 PM

Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/10/12 07:53 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem



LOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/11/12 01:34 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/11/12 01:56 AM

Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/11/12 12:48 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem


Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/11/12 08:20 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/13/12 01:05 AM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/13/12 01:30 PM

"Eye of the Sparrow"

Some folks got all the fun! ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/13/12 04:42 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/13/12 04:55 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/13/12 05:05 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/13/12 05:27 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/14/12 10:24 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/14/12 10:50 PM

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me s***."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/15/12 10:48 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/16/12 05:02 PM

NSFW for language - You Know What's Bullsh!t? - Vampires!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/18/12 12:24 AM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/20/12 01:50 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/21/12 05:32 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/22/12 05:46 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/23/12 05:29 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/24/12 04:12 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/25/12 05:09 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/25/12 05:10 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/25/12 05:34 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/25/12 09:39 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/25/12 09:40 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/29/12 12:47 AM

Walked Into The Bathroom At A Halloween Party To Find This...
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/29/12 11:32 PM

ROTFMOL
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/29/12 11:32 PM

Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/30/12 02:03 AM

Stolen and posted to Facebook
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/30/12 03:27 AM

>What did your dentist say?

The man's wife had been in a coma for over a month, when the doctor treating her finally admitted he had nothing else left to try. "Conventional Medicine just has no idea why some coma patients don't wake up, after a minor concussion like your wife suffered in her accident.", he told the man.
"Is there anything unconventional we can try?", asked the grieving husband.
"Well, some doctors have reported patients waking up during extremely painful or pleasant stimulation. I suppose we could try that, though it would be experimental.", the doctor explained. "How about we start with some very pleasant?"
"What did you have in mind?", the man asked.
"Well, how about oral sex? We'll give you some privacy with your wife, and we'll see if that can arouse her.", the doctor suggested.

The experiment was underway for five minutes when suddenly all of remote monitors started screaming for attention. "Code Blue, respiratory arrest in room 416" went out over the PA system, as a dozen doctors and nurses rushed into her room. When they got there, they found the patient's breathing tube had been removed and the husband was zipping up his pants.
"Gee, doc, I don't think that oral sex idea you had worked very well. She did seem to wake up a bit in the middle of it, but I think that's just because she couldn't breath very well."
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/30/12 03:34 AM

>Jesus watches

I read about a man who had a vigorous sex life with his wife, right up until his elderly mother passed away. At the funeral, the minister told him: "Now your mother is in heaven, and she is watching over you always."

He never could perform again after that, because he believed that literally! Every time he became aroused, he would picture his mother watching, and it was flop-city. ROTFMOL
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/30/12 04:20 AM

Lordy-- LOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/31/12 01:48 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/31/12 01:52 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/31/12 03:29 AM



Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/03/12 06:05 PM

Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/03/12 06:09 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

I always thought there was something fishy about those uptown dudes. grin
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/03/12 06:31 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/03/12 06:35 PM

Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/04/12 12:17 AM

Montgomery Burns Endorses Romney


Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/05/12 02:19 AM



That's mighty white of you, Chris. grin
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/05/12 09:47 PM

Holy Panniculus, Batman!



(click the title or the pic)
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/06/12 06:05 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/06/12 06:14 PM

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my hearing impaired friend.

He was busy painting his penis with a black marker.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your CLOCK back!"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/06/12 06:14 PM

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace ALL the wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach the stupid lamp.

Rottweiler: Make Me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh Me, me me, PLEEEEEEEEZE let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I, PLEEEEEEEEZE, PLEASE PLEASE?

German Shepard: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell: I'll just pop it in while I am bouncing off the walls.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo Quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there--RIGHT THERE

Greyhound: It isn't moving, who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear, and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Terrier: Let me bark at it for a while to see if it really needs changing.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/10/12 02:39 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/14/12 02:24 AM

Driving in Russia

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/15/12 05:18 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/17/12 03:59 AM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/17/12 05:36 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/17/12 07:17 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/18/12 05:05 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/18/12 04:09 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/19/12 10:52 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/20/12 04:55 AM

Quote:
Lincoln is doing well...


I heard Lincoln was shot on location!

What? Too soon? tonbricks
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/20/12 12:07 PM

Originally Posted By: pondering_it_all
Quote:
Lincoln is doing well...
I heard Lincoln was shot on location!
What? Too soon? tonbricks


ba-bump!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/22/12 11:23 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/22/12 11:43 PM

Some A-hole looked at my beer belly in the pub last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it."

***

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave, and got your hair cut, you'd look pretty good."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

***

I went to the pub last night, had a shot of Ezra Brooks and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now."

***

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said, "Go on then, try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on! What day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

***

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/23/12 05:46 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/23/12 05:46 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/23/12 07:35 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/24/12 04:16 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/24/12 04:26 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/24/12 04:32 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/24/12 08:17 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/07/12 08:53 PM

Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/07/12 11:59 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
And, loses a week's pay waiting in camping line to get that $50.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/09/12 05:55 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/09/12 07:18 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/09/12 10:05 PM



· · · · FULL-SIZED IMAGE
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/10/12 09:38 PM

The Greatness of Socrates

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469-399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually, I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/10/12 09:59 PM

'
Considering what a harpy Xantippe was, I am sure that Socrates would have realized what a favor Diogenes was doing him.

Therefore, the man was wrong -- the news would have been useful to Socrates.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/10/12 11:18 PM

Meow
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/11/12 04:38 PM


Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where theywere heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman...

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/11/12 04:42 PM

Originally Posted By: Phil Hoskins
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

As my last ex-wife would then retort, "Would I sh!t my best turd!?"
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/11/12 05:00 PM

Originally Posted By: numan
'
Considering what a harpy Xantippe was, I am sure that Socrates would have realized what a favor Diogenes was doing him.

Therefore, the man was wrong -- the news would have been useful to Socrates.




And they still wonder why the poor fellow drank down the poison as if it were wine!
Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/11/12 08:41 PM

Mitch McConnell sits on his own balls
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/11/12 09:10 PM

You know what they say:
Filibustering yourself will make you blind wink
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/12/12 12:31 AM

Originally Posted By: Phil Hoskins

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where theywere heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman...

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

LOL I've heard this one too, but the part of Peters was played with Cox in the starring, off stage role.

Disclaimer: Any puns are not mine. violin
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/13/12 12:20 AM

Quote:
At this time of year when the police roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share an experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before – I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it’s in my garage.
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/13/12 12:23 AM

Good one, Phil! ThumbsUp
Posted by: Lillibet

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/13/12 11:36 PM

Let's see, grand theft auto or a possible DUI.

Keep the cab, and then make sure you're out on New Year's Eve.

You'll make money hand over fist, driving all those drunks around.

Just enough to pay the lawyer.
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/16/12 03:04 PM

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/16/12 03:06 PM

Originally Posted By: Phil Hoskins
Quote:
At this time of year when the police roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share an experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before – I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it’s in my garage.

ROTFMOL That was good!! ThumbsUp
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/16/12 03:07 PM

Originally Posted By: Lillibet
Just enough to pay the lawyer.

...for grand theft auto. wink
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/17/12 02:17 AM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/17/12 04:36 PM

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center .


Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.


"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"SH*T!" said the hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center .

Claude was never invited back..
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/17/12 04:41 PM

Originally Posted By: Phil Hoskins
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center .


Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.


"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"SH*T!" said the hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center .

Claude was never invited back..


ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/19/12 09:20 PM

Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/20/12 12:32 AM


My 18 year old girl told me this yesterday...

If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies,
what kind of bird brings no babies?

Click to reveal..
A swallow.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/20/12 12:41 AM

Originally Posted By: Greger

My 18 year old girl told me this yesterday...

If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies,
what kind of bird brings no babies?

Click to reveal..
A swallow.

Ewuie! Gross!!
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/20/12 05:02 PM

> A Christmas Tradition
>
> When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
> toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
> Pre-Christmas pressure.
> Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
> Santa even more.
> When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
> about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
> Heaven knows where.
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
> toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
> Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
> rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all
> the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally
> dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
> all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
> had eaten al l the straw off the end of the broom.
> Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
> yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
> tree.
> The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
> lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
> stick it?'
>
> And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
> tree.
>
> *Not a lot of people know this.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/21/12 12:30 AM

Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/21/12 04:31 AM

A guy is walking through Chinatown when he sees the sign "Jon Jonsen's Chinese Restaurant." He thinks: must be a story there

He walks into the restaurant and says to the Chinese man behind the counter "Could I speak to Jon Jonsen?"

The Chinese man says, "I am Jon Jonsen."

"That isn't a very common Chinese name, is it?"

"No, I believe it is not."

"So how'd you get that name?"

"I am an immigrant. When I was immigrating, I was in line behind several Swedes. The lady at the desk asked the first one 'What is your name?' and he answered 'Jon Jonsen.' She filled out his paperwork, sent him on his way, and asked the next one his name. He answered 'Jon Jonsen." She filled out his paperwork, sent him on, and asked the next one 'What is your name?' He says, 'Jon Jonsen.' She fills out his paperwork, and then it's my turn. She asks 'What is your name?' and I answered 'Sam Ting.'"
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/21/12 04:34 AM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
Originally Posted By: Greger

My 18 year old girl told me this yesterday...

If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies,
what kind of bird brings no babies?

Click to reveal..
A swallow.

Ewuie! Gross!!

Exactly my reaction. crazy
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/21/12 04:36 AM

An Italian and a Greek were debating which culture was better:

the Greek guy said, we have the Acropolis
the Italian guy said, we have the Colosseum
the Greek guy said we have Alexander the Great
the Italian guy said we have Cesar
the Greek guy said we have have fetta
the Italian guy said we have mozzarella...
the Greek guy said, we invented democracy
the Italian guy said, we invented the senate
After a long discussion, the Greek guy said proudly: "we invented sex"
... and the Italian guy replies, "and we introduced it to women"
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/21/12 01:25 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

That's just plain mean... I wish I'd a thought of it.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/21/12 04:50 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/21/12 10:52 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/22/12 12:06 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/22/12 06:37 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/22/12 07:20 PM



FULL-SIZED IMAGE
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/22/12 07:51 PM

Originally Posted By: numan


ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/23/12 02:32 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/25/12 09:36 PM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMNxMk5VTbU
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/26/12 08:26 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/26/12 11:20 PM

So, two ogres, Biff and his mother Griselda, were at home and it was approaching dinnertime. Biff was absorbed in his favorite computer game, 'Bludgeons and Flagons'.

Griz shouted, "It's ready, you ugly little ogre!” to which her son replied, "I'm not really hungry".

Griselda, who had a career in advertising with the American Cattle Association shouted back, " But Biff, it's warts for dinner!"
Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/27/12 01:35 AM

You just made that up didn't you?

Bludgeons and Flagons....that's good! ^L^
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/30/12 07:53 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/30/12 09:32 PM



"Objects in mirror are bluer than they appear"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/30/12 10:22 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/05/13 06:24 PM



http://iowntheworld.com/blog/?p=164130
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/05/13 06:39 PM

NSFW
Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/05/13 07:23 PM



Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/06/13 02:45 AM

Originally Posted By: numan




As a friend of Fisher and a disciple of Bayes it is

ROTFMOL ROTFMOL

Now, since there is no conditional probability - i.e. no event B that is caused by A - (because the truth has an absolute probability of 0.9722 and the nova doesn't depend on the machine telling the truth) the Bayesian is being jocular.
And the frequentist is using the above probability as the basis for his decision.
Of course, were he to be an adept of Lotfi Zadeh he would be forced to admit that the sun exploded 97.22% and is intact 2.78% wink
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/08/13 10:11 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/09/13 07:09 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/09/13 08:48 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/10/13 06:26 PM

Assault Weapon - Caveman's AR15 (Assault Rock)
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/11/13 12:53 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/11/13 11:54 PM

Dash-Cam Perfect Timing Catches Cat Fight!
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/12/13 12:06 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem

Did you see the drop-kick the guy did with his cat?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/12/13 06:03 PM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
Originally Posted By: Golem

Did you see the drop-kick the guy did with his cat?

Yes! ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/12/13 06:04 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/12/13 06:35 PM

Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/12/13 07:55 PM

Originally Posted By: numan



Why did you have a wolf?
Maybe he seduced you with the idea that he was a wealth creator
The value of your goat will increase as he eats every other goat. Hmm
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/13/13 10:28 PM

Originally Posted By: Ardy
Originally Posted By: numan



Why did you have a wolf?
Maybe he seduced you with the idea that he was a wealth creator
The value of your goat will increase as he eats every other goat. Hmm

If that's a Mexican wolf and the river is the Gila, that wolf already crossed!
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/15/13 01:53 AM

I think I would barbecue the goat and make some cole slaw with the cabbage. Then the wolf and I could have a great lunch before we part ways.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/15/13 07:55 PM

Lama
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/18/13 05:22 PM

Ocean
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/18/13 06:27 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/18/13 10:38 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/20/13 12:03 AM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/20/13 07:16 PM


The prosecution calls Gottfried Leibnitz.
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/20/13 07:25 PM

Originally Posted By: numan

The prosecution calls Gottfried Leibnitz.


ROTFMOL
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/21/13 03:54 AM

Quote:
So why isn't the sky violet?


The answer is pretty simple, but leads to an interesting area of human perception. We have three different color sensors in our eyes, all with broad wavelength response curves. When we perceive "yellow" that means our red cones and green cones are being stimulated in roughly equal amounts. We can perceive that same "color" by looking at a single pure wavelength of light halfway between the red and green cone's peak wavelengths, or we can perceive it by looking at two (or more) wavelengths of light that stimulate both red and green cones in equal amounts. (This leads to some very disturbing experiments with narrow-band filters and different light sources that look the same without the filters.)

Here's a website that has a graph of our cones' response to different wavelengths of light:
Blue is not Primary

If you look at the last of those plots, and imagine the Raleigh Scattering equation overlaid, the answer to the girl's question becomes obvious: The scattering does not produce discrete wavelengths of violet, blue, and green, but rather produces all wavelengths at attenuated intensities as the wavelength gets longer. We are sensing the violet, but we are also sensing some green. We perceive that combination as blue. It the scattering fell off more aggressively, then we would perceive the sky as violet. If it fell off much less aggressively, then we would perceive the sky as white.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/21/13 06:14 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/21/13 06:19 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/23/13 07:09 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/23/13 10:55 PM

>Skateboarding

Well done, but not really all that incongruous: Considering President Obama's age and time spent as a teen living in Honolulu, he may very well be a competent skateboarder. Probably has done some board surfing, as well!
Posted by: AustinRanter

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/23/13 11:10 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem


I think the Prez needs to try a "Longboard". Maybe a LandYatchz Switchblade. It's a 40" board, 10" wide. Then put some custom Monster Wheels on...

My wife and I got one of our grandsons one as I describe above. All I can say about is, "Far out, dude."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/24/13 04:59 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/25/13 03:15 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/25/13 03:24 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/25/13 07:49 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/25/13 11:45 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/25/13 11:57 PM

Interesting site but probably not for everyone: Rate My Vomit
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/26/13 06:00 PM

Posted by: numan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/27/13 08:09 PM

Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/27/13 08:22 PM

Originally Posted By: numan



ThumbsUp LOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/27/13 09:42 PM

You had one job
Posted by: AustinRanter

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/28/13 03:09 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem



What a hoot! ThumbsUp
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/01/13 03:44 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/01/13 08:03 PM

8 Touchdown Dances for Other Situations
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/01/13 08:22 PM

What kind of brain dead idiot would spike a beer?
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/02/13 12:43 PM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
What kind of brain dead idiot would spike a beer?
Pretty much anyone who graduated from Purdue.
Though that does not make then brain dead idiots. You can blame that on the boilermakers.
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/02/13 12:46 PM

Just saw an interesting study on crow roadkill on PBS> Oddly enough, 98% of all crows hit on the roads are struck by trucks, not cars, though cars far predominate in traffic.

An ornithological behaviorist has found the reason. When there is something on the road that attracts crows, one of the murder stays in a tree to act as a sentry. Unfortunately, the sentries can only say "cah, cah" so they remain silent when a truck is coming.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/02/13 06:49 PM

Originally Posted By: Ted Remington
Just saw an interesting study on crow roadkill on PBS> Oddly enough, 98% of all crows hit on the roads are struck by trucks, not cars, though cars far predominate in traffic.

An ornithological behaviorist has found the reason. When there is something on the road that attracts crows, one of the murder stays in a tree to act as a sentry. Unfortunately, the sentries can only say "cah, cah" so they remain silent when a truck is coming.

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/02/13 06:50 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/03/13 04:38 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/05/13 04:29 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/05/13 08:53 PM

April 1? Coincidence?
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/07/13 09:22 PM

Quote:
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ..' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. '

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR


I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? '
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste', Bob replied...I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced, a foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , Michigan


A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read, ' Keep off the grass. '
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient ' s dressing, which said ' Sorry, had to mow the lawn. '

Submitted by RN no name


AND FINALLY...

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly asked, ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard, ' No doctor but the song you were whistling was
' Oh


Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/07/13 09:34 PM

The missing punchline:

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener . '

But maybe we should have a better punchline contest?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/11/13 02:01 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/11/13 03:06 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/11/13 07:47 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/13/13 09:19 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/13/13 09:23 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/14/13 09:45 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/14/13 10:49 PM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKQw7ij5rrE
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/15/13 12:46 AM

Puritan Valentine's Day Cards
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/15/13 01:05 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/15/13 01:49 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem


How not to deal with unflattering photos…
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/16/13 04:51 PM

Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/17/13 02:01 AM

Te he he, that is rich
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/17/13 08:25 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/17/13 08:55 PM

Now THAT is gonna leave a mark.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/17/13 11:02 PM

Beards
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/18/13 10:12 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/18/13 10:13 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/18/13 10:25 PM

Vaguely Rude Place Names Of The World
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/21/13 06:47 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/21/13 07:18 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/22/13 01:11 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/23/13 06:24 PM

Board game
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/23/13 06:38 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/26/13 12:32 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/16/13 05:46 PM

Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/16/13 06:10 PM

What, no black racial jokes, Evening Star/Golem? coffee

Or, do you save those for that other site? wink
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/16/13 06:28 PM

Originally Posted By: california rick
What, no black racial jokes, Evening Star/Golem? coffee

Or, do you save those for that other site? wink

Is that a request, Rick?
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/16/13 06:38 PM

My request is that you don't hold back because we're a preceived "librul" site. Be yourself. Carry on. smile
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/16/13 09:04 PM


Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/18/13 08:32 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/24/13 07:30 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/24/13 09:23 PM

Probably would have been cheaper to pay a pilot to fly it where they wanted it. And are you certain this is not a feeding frenzy?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/25/13 01:41 AM

Ad placement
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/27/13 08:02 PM

Disabled drifting
Posted by: Irked

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/28/13 12:46 AM

Does anyone know where Numan got the stick drawings? I miss those.
Posted by: Schlack

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/28/13 11:32 AM

You mean XKCD?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/28/13 11:14 PM

Posted by: Irked

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/29/13 04:05 AM

Originally Posted By: Schlack


Thank you, friend.

(In best stereoman style.)
Posted by: Schlack

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/29/13 09:46 AM

Posted by: NW Ponderer

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/29/13 11:16 AM

I loved the disabled drifting vid. Human and joyous.
Posted by: Irked

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/30/13 12:29 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/30/13 01:07 AM

NSFW
Posted by: Irked

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/30/13 06:20 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/02/13 11:39 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/04/13 06:07 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/07/13 05:26 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/09/13 08:57 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/09/13 10:56 PM

All of whom were working for this web site.
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/09/13 11:29 PM

Oh please bring back Beavis and Butthead.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/10/13 06:55 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/11/13 07:08 PM

An Orthodox Jew in an airplane with women - so he covers himself with a plastic bag...
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/12/13 07:42 PM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnydFmqHuVo
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/13/13 04:51 PM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lOhvS-xyrA
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/13/13 05:02 PM


Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/14/13 06:26 PM

Originally Posted By: california rick



ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/14/13 06:26 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/14/13 08:39 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/15/13 06:09 PM

The witnesses at the scene of the hit and run ended up fighting one another over the disparities in their accounts.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/16/13 04:52 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/16/13 05:00 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/17/13 04:56 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/17/13 10:42 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/18/13 05:45 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/22/13 01:52 AM

Batman vs. The Penguin
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/22/13 02:06 AM

Sshh, he's sleeping. ROTFMOL
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/22/13 10:23 PM

Quote:
NSFW infomercial

I wonder how many serial killers buy those heads so they can use the "love tunnel" from the drain end?

You know, for those nights when you are just too tired to actually go out, find a victim, etc.
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/22/13 10:46 PM

In Lord of the Rings, what was the orcs' favorite recipe?

Legolas.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/23/13 08:13 PM

Giant Bat Farts
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/23/13 08:29 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/24/13 12:03 AM

You pulled the wrong cord, you dummy!

Pull the other cord to get the fan blades to go.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/24/13 09:12 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/26/13 07:07 PM

Emote
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/30/13 04:31 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/30/13 04:42 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/01/13 05:47 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/02/13 12:14 AM

Cat Answers the Phone
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/02/13 12:21 AM

Weeeeeeee!
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/02/13 12:28 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/03/13 05:31 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/03/13 07:09 PM

That was a setup. Mean!
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/03/13 11:28 PM

What that short clip fails to show is kitty scratching the hell out of that guy as it claws its way up his arms, neck, and face!

Kitty just had to deal with getting wet. The owner had to go get stitches, tetanus shot, and pain meds. I've taken a cat swimming with me back when I had both cat and pool, just out of curiosity. She actually was a very good swimmer, and did not seem to be particularly stressed to be in the water. But you do NOT want to appear as a path out of the water because they will climb right up you.
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/04/13 12:33 AM

Many years ago I had a small farm(ette) in WV. There was a stock tank right next to the house, and Sasquatch, or orange tomcat, took great delight in diving off the top of the house into the tank as the horse was taking a big snootful. If only video cams had been around then....
Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/04/13 01:12 AM

Funny as heck

A few years ago we got a little kitten

my wife brought home some ahi (raw tuna)

I was starting to eat the tuna
and the (little) kitty climbed me at light speed
I didn't even see her coming ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/04/13 08:03 PM



Baby otter vs. Walrus.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/05/13 03:34 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/05/13 05:35 PM

Reminds me of the time Pancho Villa was warring with the US Army along the Rio Grande. He got word that the US was sending Monitor-like shallow draft gunboats (think swift boats) up the Rio Grande to attack his stronghold.

At a meeting with his lieutenants to discuss strategy, one of his aides, a former naval person, suggested scuttling garbage scows at the mouth of the Rio Grande to blockade the river. Villa sneered, "Barges? Barges? We don't need no sinking barges."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/05/13 05:57 PM

Specialists

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/05/13 06:04 PM

Originally Posted By: Ted Remington
Reminds me of the time Pancho Villa was warring with the US Army along the Rio Grande. He got word that the US was sending Monitor-like shallow draft gunboats (think swift boats) up the Rio Grande to attack his stronghold.

At a meeting with his lieutenants to discuss strategy, one of his aides, a former naval person, suggested scuttling garbage scows at the mouth of the Rio Grande to blockade the river. Villa sneered, "Barges? Barges? We don't need no sinking barges."

(Tresure of the Sierra) Madre!!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/05/13 07:44 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/08/13 11:28 PM


A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you!"



The husband, typically, non - romantic, replied:

"I am on the toilet. Please advise."



Kinda' brings tears to your eyes, doesn't it?
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/09/13 07:59 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/09/13 08:55 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pggfffy6hR4

Real or staged?
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/10/13 03:20 PM

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.

In a recently held linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was:..
How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand?

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer..

"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,
and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED"

He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/10/13 08:14 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

Staged
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/11/13 12:03 AM

Quote:
I was starting to eat the tuna
and the (little) kitty climbed me at light speed
I didn't even see her coming


Several years ago, I was noshing on the turkey carcass a couple of days after Thanksgiving. You know, just sitting at the kitchen table picking bits of meat off what was left of the bones. I didn't notice that my cat had joined me and was chewing on the other side of the bird.

When I finally did notice, my immediate response was to eat faster! It took several seconds to remember that I was the top of the food chain, and that I could just shoo him away. Funny how our little reptile brain works, isn't it?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/11/13 02:21 AM



https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=...e=1&theater
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/12/13 05:30 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PKffm2uI4dk
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/16/13 09:36 PM

Watch
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/16/13 11:45 PM

NSFW for language


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bN6RK8_ub9w
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/17/13 12:12 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/17/13 11:26 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/18/13 07:22 PM




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CkpUFgospsQ
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/19/13 09:10 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/24/13 11:45 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20v_0Af-Nd8
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/24/13 11:45 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1yir-p68xM
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/25/13 10:54 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/25/13 09:07 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/26/13 05:39 PM

Dog has mastered the toilet


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ghd1gWFlbEk
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/26/13 09:32 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/26/13 10:16 PM

Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/27/13 01:07 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem


I guess checking out a guy's shoes is old school
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/28/13 12:26 AM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/28/13 01:15 AM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/29/13 05:40 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/29/13 06:58 PM

James the narcoleptic timber jack
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/29/13 09:54 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

Say, he's real good! ThumbsUp
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/31/13 01:38 AM

Guy Installs Shower To Stop People From Peeing In His Alley
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/31/13 02:55 AM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/31/13 03:06 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ifVOZEjv2g
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/31/13 04:59 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/31/13 10:11 PM

I bet homeless people started coming around, stripping down, and using the free alley shower on a regular basis. A little gross maybe, but better then smelly homeless people.

In a similar vein, I always thought it would be fun to install an array of wires with tiny spark gaps every foot or so on your building's wall. When your motion sensor detects somebody spraying graffiti on it, it fires off a neon sign transformer so every one of those gaps has a spark. That would ignite a solvent-based paint spray in a nice fireball.

I suppose to be nice, it should then turn on the showers to put out the human torch.

Of course, that brings up another question: Wouldn't it be easier to just string some electric fence wire up from ground level to three feet high along that alley wall? Nobody EVER pees on an electric fence twice!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/02/13 01:44 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/02/13 01:48 AM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/02/13 05:21 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIJINiK9azc
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/02/13 06:32 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/03/13 11:50 PM

Quote:
Tandoori Restaurant


Michael Douglas says you can get Throat Cancer from eating there!
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/04/13 01:04 AM

He said it can be caught from cunning linguism. To which Joy Behar retorted:

Quote:
He's just saying that to get out of having to do it.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/04/13 02:22 AM

Originally Posted By: california rick
He said it can be caught from cunning linguism. To which Joy Behar retorted:

Quote:
He's just saying that to get out of having to do it.

Clue me in on what we are talkin' about here... Deep Sore Throat?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/04/13 03:46 AM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
Originally Posted By: california rick
He said it can be caught from cunning linguism. To which Joy Behar retorted:

Quote:
He's just saying that to get out of having to do it.

Clue me in on what we are talkin' about here... Deep Sore Throat?

Michael Douglas and the debate over oral sex and cancer
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/04/13 04:50 PM



http://iruntheinternet.com/0550
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/04/13 06:13 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/04/13 06:20 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/04/13 09:57 PM

Quote:
He's just saying that to get out of having to do it.


Has Joy never seen a photo of Catherine Zeta Jones? OMG!

Break out the whipped cream and chocolate syrup NOW!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/04/13 09:57 PM

Originally Posted By: Joe Keegan

ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/04/13 10:06 PM

Originally Posted By: Joe Keegan
ROTFMOL ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/04/13 10:28 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuCDAPylPO8
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/05/13 02:28 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/05/13 02:36 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/08/13 07:19 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/09/13 01:26 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/09/13 01:37 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/09/13 02:29 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/09/13 02:43 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/09/13 03:03 AM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFxnBrO9n7o
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/09/13 03:17 AM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgcmZ9T2zBY
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/09/13 03:50 AM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/09/13 01:37 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/09/13 04:05 PM

Originally Posted By: Joe Keegan

LOL

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/11/13 01:04 AM



(click image to enlarge)
Posted by: AustinRanter

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/11/13 04:44 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/11/13 11:49 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9A-zBwuCs
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/12/13 04:53 AM

Well, at least they didn't float away. That accident reminded me of hitting a 7/10 split in bowling.
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/12/13 06:22 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/12/13 04:20 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/12/13 04:28 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/12/13 11:49 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/12/13 11:54 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/13/13 11:29 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/13 04:19 AM

Back in 1976 you could get away with so much more. ROTFMOL

Foreigners Around The World
P. J. O'Rourke
National Lampoon
May 1976

(click each image to enlarge - you may have to click it twice)






Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/13 12:37 PM

Remember "Mrs. Agnew's Diary" from the National Lampoon back in those days? Or, her entries into her diary where she referred to her husband, VP Spiro Agnew, as "Spiggy" and when she discussed the Republicans printing "Volt for Eagleton" bumper stickers? Or, Saturday Night Live's parody of The Exorcist?
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/13 02:45 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/13 02:49 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/13 02:57 PM

SNL: Star Trek: The Last Voyage of the Starship Enterprise
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/13 03:08 PM

Anyone pissed off that Murray isn't playing Dr. Venkman in the upcoming Ghostbusters III? I realize that the critics pooped all over Ghostbusters II, but I enjoyed it, and looked forward to any sequel with all of the original cast (for that matter, I expected the original caste).
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/15/13 05:36 PM

Bitchy Resting Face (and Resting A**h*le Face) grin


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v98CPXNiSk
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/15/13 09:20 PM

(click image to enlarge)

Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/16/13 09:13 PM


Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/17/13 03:31 AM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/17/13 07:34 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/13 02:50 AM

NSFW: WTF Tattoos (20 Pics) - "Stamped Tramps" Edition
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/13 04:10 AM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/13 11:43 AM

AKA Slut Butt?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/19/13 01:52 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/19/13 08:49 PM

Flaming Fly
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/21/13 01:46 AM

NSFW (language): What the hell Disney?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/25/13 03:54 AM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/25/13 04:08 AM

Maybe the Coast Guard?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/25/13 04:19 AM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/25/13 12:08 PM

Re Watermelon Oreos:

That's not a spoof! I googled them and they do exist.

At least they did not put the watermelon inside the more traditional chocolate-colored wafers.
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/26/13 12:44 AM

I've been seeing lots of weird Oreos lately. I was also enjoying special bags of Cheetos that contained five different varieties, but they are gone now.

As for the "Which should I call, a plumber or an electrician?" question: You probably also need to call a roofer, because that is water draining down through an electrical conduit. It might be coming from a busted water pipe, or it might be coming from rain through your leaky roof.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/26/13 05:08 PM

He grabbed me around my slender neck
I could not call or scream.
He dragged me to my dingy room
Where we could not be seen.

He tore away my flimsy wrap
And gazed upon my form.
I was so cold and damp and scared
While he was dry and warm.

He pressed his feverish lips to mine
I could not make him stop.
He drained me of my inner self
I gave him every drop.

Then he cast me from his side
So now you see me here.
An empty bottle thrown away
That once was full of beer.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/26/13 05:14 PM

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.

"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?"

"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner. "I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop's Dinner"

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Bitch Fish."

"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent. The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught that Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the Sister.

The Friar added," And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!

The new Bishop looked around at each of them.

A big smile crept across his face as he said,

"You f---ers are my kind of people."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/26/13 11:24 PM

Useless Box - With a Surprise
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/26/13 11:57 PM

NSFW, language: How One Girl Feel's About The Hot Weather!
Posted by: Spag-hetti

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/13 05:30 PM

ROTFMOL

Golem, you really hit my funnybone with both the surprise box and the hot girl. I felt kind of stupid, sitting here alone, laughing. Got a strange look from the dog.
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/13 05:59 PM

If those "useless boxes" are for sale I want one.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/13 08:05 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfbQnOqjMp8
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/13 08:09 PM



Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/13 11:38 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/13 11:39 PM

So was he the fish friar or the chip monk?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/28/13 01:25 AM

Originally Posted By: Ted Remington
So was he the fish friar or the chip monk?

http://readerrant.capitolhillblue.com/ub...8771#Post218771
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/28/13 04:25 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/30/13 11:24 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXUKKbSirT4

This is the original non-PC version. The ending is frequently bowdlerized when shown on TV (Wikipedia article with SPOILERS).
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/01/13 03:18 AM

Posted by: AustinRanter

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/03/13 01:17 AM

The magic stairwell...

http://www.maniacworld.com/magic-stairwell.html
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/07/13 12:29 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/07/13 02:20 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/07/13 03:04 AM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EukdbBq0-Lo
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/07/13 10:14 AM

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/07/13 05:20 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/07/13 06:07 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/09/13 03:41 PM

This is all over the Internet! ROTFMOL

NSFW! - Pitbull Has Hostage
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/11/13 05:56 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/13/13 11:50 AM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/13/13 02:21 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/13/13 08:55 PM

An Aussie drover walks into an...
An Aussie drover walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The drover says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the drover reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. ‘Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

'Excuse me mate,' she asks, 'How do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the drover, 'a few years ago; I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The drover pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/13/13 10:29 PM

LOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/13/13 10:29 PM

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers on draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.

"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/15/13 05:04 PM

Nina Conti live at the Apollo - the art of ventriloquism at its best from artFido - fetching art on Vimeo.

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/16/13 06:32 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/19/13 07:01 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/19/13 09:42 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/13 12:09 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/27/13 10:22 PM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OHkc57DD9I
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/29/13 12:38 AM

(click image to enlarge)

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/29/13 03:45 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/29/13 03:48 AM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5rDpp2ElXo
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/29/13 07:08 PM

Flying the OstrichCopter (real stuffed ostrich)
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/29/13 08:41 PM

Well that's ostrich of the imagination. Can you imagine if you blundered into one of those prop blades or if the machine took a sudden veer into you? Ouch!

Reminds me of the time Queen Victoria was a young lady in her twenties, and ostrich feathers and costumes were all the rage. At a masked ball all of the queens ladies in waiting as well as the queen herself turned up in ostrich costumes. A young courtier who had just returned from Australia was a bit confused and complimented Vicky and her attendants on their wonderful emu costumes. She drew herself up to her full 4" 8" and looked down her nose at the unfortunate young man and said, "my dear sir, we are NOT emus."
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/29/13 08:51 PM

Originally Posted By: Ted Remington
Well that's ostrich of the imagination. Can you imagine if you blundered into one of those prop blades or if the machine took a sudden veer into you? Ouch!

Reminds me of the time Queen Victoria was a young lady in her twenties, and ostrich feathers and costumes were all the rage. At a masked ball all of the queens ladies in waiting as well as the queen herself turned up in ostrich costumes. A young courtier who had just returned from Australia was a bit confused and complimented Vicky and her attendants on their wonderful emu costumes. She drew herself up to her full 4" 8" and looked down her nose at the unfortunate young man and said, "my dear sir, we are NOT emus."

Was the young man's name Ed?

"We are not emus, Ed". (O'stitch in time saves nine.)
Posted by: chunkstyle

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/30/13 01:37 PM

Uh oh.... I guess you can push a group so far....
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/31/13 09:22 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/05/13 04:07 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UT4cGVNuSnA
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/05/13 04:31 PM

Posted by: Irked

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/06/13 01:37 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem


Seems like a lot of work! I think I'll continue with my study to master snapping my fingers; it'd be a shame to waste all that effort when I'm so close to really getting it down.
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/06/13 08:28 AM

I have booked you a flight to Mexico so you can show off your talents. Check into Tio Pepe's in Cowbell san Lucas tomorrow, start busking on Wednesday.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/13 02:19 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/13 06:03 PM


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLt5rBfNucc
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/13 06:30 PM

Ahh. Ya think that’s funny? How about the funniest comic strip of all time.

Beetle Bailey rolleyes

[img]http://safr.kingfeatures.com/idn/ck2/con...DdfNzYwLmdpZg==[/img]

Why is this comic strip even allowed to exist? Please someone--it’s time for a mercy killing.
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/13 09:33 PM

That sharkcat has ways about him that "just ain't right."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/09/13 07:21 PM

How Moses Got The 10 Commandments


God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Sacre bleu! Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/09/13 10:20 PM

ROTFMOL

I plan to steal that
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/10/13 12:50 PM

On one level it's funny, but the stereotyping bothers me. Many many years ago I was dating a young lady of the Jewish persuasion, who told me something I thought pretty profound:

You can only tell jokes about people who would laugh at themselves if they heard it.

She believed that as a people the Jews had developed the ability to laugh at themselves and what others consider their foibles because those foibles, eccentricities, traits, call them what you will, are not in and of themselves harmful to others.

Killing, stealing, and indiscriminate spreading of one's sperm throughout the community are not foibles to be laughed at, in my opinion.
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/10/13 04:44 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/10/13 08:39 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/14/13 06:15 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/14/13 07:36 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/14/13 07:39 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/15/13 12:09 AM

Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/15/13 01:43 AM

Originally Posted By: Ted Remington

She believed that as a people the Jews had developed the ability to laugh at themselves and what others consider their foibles because those foibles, eccentricities, traits, call them what you will, are not in and of themselves harmful to others.


I once made a joke on this forum.... I said that "Israeli Settlers were illegal immigrants with submachine guns"

Most people did not find it very funny,
Apparently even the renowned jewish sense of humor does have it's limits. Go figure. Hmm
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/15/13 11:20 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/15/13 11:22 PM

Originally Posted By: Ardy
Originally Posted By: Ted Remington

She believed that as a people the Jews had developed the ability to laugh at themselves and what others consider their foibles because those foibles, eccentricities, traits, call them what you will, are not in and of themselves harmful to others.


I once made a joke on this forum.... I said that "Israeli Settlers were illegal immigrants with submachine guns"

Most people did not find it very funny,
Apparently even the renowned jewish sense of humor does have it's limits. Go figure. Hmm

I have a collection of Jewish jokes. Polack jokes too. grin
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/16/13 02:59 PM

Sheep Protest
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/16/13 07:58 PM

Flip pancakes like Kirk would
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/17/13 10:44 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/18/13 07:43 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/20/13 04:13 AM

NSFW
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/21/13 02:33 AM

Okay, I'm not the least bit gay but I would rather be in line behind the barefoot man in the G-string than some of those people. It's like a port to another dimension has opened, and Cthulhu is shopping at WalMart!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/21/13 07:47 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/21/13 10:40 PM

Home surgery x2:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wi7Aq81SI7E


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-tDJ6LBn-4
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/22/13 11:11 AM

SNL: The Exorcist II
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/22/13 01:49 PM

I've answered an age old question.

Having now retired, I sometimes have to create opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp. Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/25/13 06:04 AM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/26/13 05:48 PM


Chinese Sex

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous
and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells
the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got
bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare
and almost unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”

The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot
or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”

The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but
surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that
he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes,
Mongolian VD. Very ware disease. Very rare indeed.”

The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but
what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American doctors,
always wanting to do surgery. They make more money that way. No need to amputate!”

“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two weeks. It'll just fall off by itself...!”
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/29/13 05:22 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/29/13 05:55 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/02/13 08:39 PM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6Lb3kFwJRQ
Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/02/13 10:54 PM

Apparently we can once again order "French" Fries

But we must now order "Freedom Muffins"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/04/13 12:16 AM

Posted by: Irked

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/04/13 12:50 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem


What?

Does this man, or any of his colleagues seen in the background, own the land? Supply the capitol? Purchase the seed? Genetically modify the seeds to increase output? He and his colleagues at the most supplied Labor, a thoroughly disgusting, divisive concept and an even worse reality, providing nothing that will not eventually be taken over by computerization and mechanization.

As Eric Cantor so aptly noted, summing up the meaning of Labor Day

Quote:

Today, we celebrate those who have taken a risk, worked hard, built a business and earned their own success.


9:06 AM - 3 Sep 2012
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/05/13 04:50 PM

NSFW - LANGUAGE



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eExfV_xKaiM
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/05/13 06:33 PM

Nuke a city of your choice!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/05/13 07:15 PM

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walks away in tears, laughing.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/06/13 05:02 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/06/13 05:06 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/18/13 05:57 PM

What an obit! grin
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/18/13 06:15 PM

27 Reasons Why Parents Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Text
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/18/13 06:29 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/18/13 06:54 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/20/13 10:27 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/22/13 08:04 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/24/13 07:56 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/24/13 09:00 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem


Shore is.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/25/13 05:57 PM

Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/25/13 11:02 PM

Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

Senior Citizen: "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Senior Citizen:"I don't really give a rat's ass what you think."
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/25/13 11:14 PM

Beats Yo-Ainess--but not by much.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/25/13 11:34 PM

Tut, tut, boyz... we ain't usin' no bad words, is we? nono
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/27/13 05:44 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/27/13 05:46 PM

How babies are made.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/28/13 06:15 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/04/13 04:43 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE3fmFTtP9g
Posted by: Ted Remington

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/04/13 05:47 PM

I want one! THAT is my tax dollars spent wisely!
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/05/13 02:25 AM

The should dress that Wildcat device up in a costume and drive it around on Halloween: Lots of people would have to go home to change their underwear, after seeing it gallop by!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/06/13 07:35 PM

Different sized elephants...
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/08/13 05:51 PM

Quote:
THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!!!
April 29, 2013, a rude woman blocks metro doors waiting a friend.
Another passenger gets sick of this and spartan kicks her off the train.




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D7J5YygEoM
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/09/13 07:57 PM

18 People Who Are Having A Worse Day Than You (18 gifs)
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/10/13 04:42 PM

Eel slap!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/12/13 04:32 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/12/13 04:45 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/15/13 10:12 PM

NSFW - 6 new contenders for the single most entertaining note ever written by a roommate.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/16/13 11:42 PM

More cute than funny. smile



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6QHzIJO5a8
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/17/13 07:38 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/18/13 01:20 AM

1997 Jeep Cherokee - great ad from Craigslist! grin
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/21/13 12:19 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/21/13 04:36 PM


Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/24/13 12:38 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/29/13 04:42 AM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/29/13 04:46 AM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/30/13 05:15 PM

Posted by: Siannan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/30/13 05:44 PM

Roseanne was a genius.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/31/13 09:53 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/31/13 09:55 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/01/13 06:13 PM

NSFW - Edible!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/03/13 06:34 PM

Click image to enlarge.



Church that looks like a PENIS on Google Earth to be covered by 'giant fig leaf'
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/03/13 11:06 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/07/13 06:20 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/07/13 08:15 PM

Doesn't look like much to crow about to me...
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/07/13 11:43 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/07/13 11:45 PM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
Doesn't look like much to crow about to me...
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/11/13 12:06 AM

26 Black People Not Amused By White People
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/11/13 06:17 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/12/13 03:27 AM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dd7FixvoKBw
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/13/13 04:13 AM

These Are The 27 Dumbest Things That Have Ever Happened. Seriously, Go Back To Kindergarten.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/14/13 07:15 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/15/13 06:42 PM

NSFW - 25 Of The Worst Food Name Fails Ever
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/17/13 05:50 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/18/13 05:31 PM

AUSSIE BEE STING

Australian Telephone Operator: "G'day mate .... Helpline here ..... What's the problem?"

Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"
Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"

Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.”
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/19/13 07:30 PM

Poll from The Onion: Do You Believe Same-Sex Couples Should Be Allowed To Marry?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/22/13 08:54 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/23/13 11:00 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/24/13 06:37 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/24/13 07:16 PM

Fragrance
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/24/13 09:44 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/25/13 11:59 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/27/13 12:45 AM

>cell phones on flights

Not a problem if everybody is wearing headphones. They could even be noise-cancelling headphones that can actively block out all the sound, including the noises of flight. I would love that.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/27/13 05:13 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/28/13 06:25 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/28/13 06:33 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/28/13 07:10 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

I have a sinking feeling that turkey has had too much sauce, he looks a bit cooked, if you know what I mean.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/29/13 06:59 PM

Posted by: Irked

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/29/13 11:16 PM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
Originally Posted By: Golem

I have a sinking feeling that turkey has had too much sauce, he looks a bit cooked, if you know what I mean.


Whew! Everyone was wondering what happen to the in-law's little brother. Not surprised to see he was spending the holiday the same as always, just found a new kitchen.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/30/13 07:33 PM

NSFW
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/30/13 09:43 PM

>10 ... lights

I bet they sell a lot of those in New Jersey!
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/01/13 01:05 AM

Real mood setters.
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/07/13 07:03 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/08/13 05:35 PM

NSFW - Banned Australian Condom TV Advertisement
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/08/13 05:53 PM

Too bad it was banned, but it would never have even been made in the US.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/08/13 09:10 PM

Phil, from how Aussies are depicted, I'm amazed it was banned there. grin
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/08/13 09:10 PM

Ye Olde Official Shakespearean Insult Kit

Hello friends. Are you weary of giving voice to the same tired old invectives when boorish rubes intrude upon your serenity? Don't you wish you could inveigh your enemy with a genuinely classic put-down?

Well, now you can. With this handy-dandy SHAKESPEAREAN INSULT KIT, you can have the spleen of The Bard at your disposal!

The next time someone cuts you off in traffic, or a clerk behaves rudely, stun them with your lexicographical command of vituperation.

Combine one selection from each of the four pull-down lists below, and impale your unsuspecting foe.

http://www.petelevin.com/shakespeare.htm
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/09/13 12:19 AM

Lutheran Insulter :: List of Insults
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/09/13 10:19 PM

When NOT to double-barrel your name
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/10/13 06:45 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/12/13 01:29 AM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/12/13 03:05 PM


Carol Burnett Show- Stinky
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/12/13 09:21 PM

SIPPING VODKA

This is too funny - I still have tears in my eyes! Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding.


It's funny (don't break chain)


A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12..
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10...
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s*** out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said,"Take this and eat it for this is my body.." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.

Do not keep this letter. Do not send money. Just forward it to twelve of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh. You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/12/13 09:45 PM

Phil, that's great! ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/13/13 10:33 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/16/13 07:53 PM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYdr-BsGv_4
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/16/13 09:03 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/16/13 09:51 PM

NSFW

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/17/13 02:25 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/17/13 10:50 PM

Boy, nothing inspires me more with the meaning behind Christmas than such a magnificent display!
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/18/13 10:39 AM

My family was more subdued with the Christmas lights. A few of those electric candles in the windows, an evergreen wreath with a red bow on the door with some some small white lights, or some white or blue lights on the pines in the front yard. However, I did enjoy the more ostentatious shows of Christmas lighting as a kid. The oil "emergency" of the 70's, however, took care of that.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/18/13 08:47 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/19/13 05:02 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/19/13 05:06 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/19/13 07:26 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/22/13 02:48 AM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oemR21m2zRo
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/22/13 03:09 AM

> 267 degrees:

We may all be dead, but at least if the temperature stays up there for about 4 hours we will all be tender and juicy when the alien invaders actually come down to eat us!

Humanity will get a good rating on their gourmet web sites. LOL
Posted by: keysersoze

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/23/13 08:08 PM

A conservative friend sent me this:

To All My Democrat Friends: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2014, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other countries nor the only "America" in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes. ALSO, I apologize that this personal expression of glad tidings may have reached you on a work computer, and thus may have broken proper usage regulations either set personally or corporately.

To My Republican Friends: Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/24/13 11:05 AM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/24/13 12:33 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/24/13 10:16 PM

Jehovahcare
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/25/13 01:51 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/26/13 12:53 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/26/13 06:05 PM

Happy Boxing Day!

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/28/13 07:00 PM

Tumblr 2013 Year in Review Top Photobombs
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/05/14 11:13 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-CFEPBWI78
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/05/14 11:54 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/06/14 05:25 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/06/14 05:37 PM

NSFW - A man born with two penises answers all your questions.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/07/14 11:23 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

That's not funny!! (But it is fascinating...)
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/08/14 12:33 AM

What I find especially interesting is that the catcher seems to be able to catch all of those pitches, no matter what their early path. (Of course, the catcher probably exchanged signals with the pitcher, so he knows what to expect.) This makes me wonder if the batter would be better off adjusting his swing based on the position and movement of the catcher's glove, instead of trying to judge by watching the ball.

We already know that hitting potential can be predicted by looking for hyper-acute vision. Maybe having excellent peripheral vision is the difference between a good hitter and a great hitter, because the great ones use the catcher's glove information.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/09/14 09:07 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyQiPWufjwU
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/10/14 12:00 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/12/14 06:14 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-P0Hs0ADJY
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/13/14 02:11 AM

LOL
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/15/14 05:04 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/16/14 05:01 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/17/14 05:05 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/17/14 05:29 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/18/14 05:38 PM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HW4J-RiCZ2Q
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/22/14 12:52 AM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/22/14 04:36 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/22/14 10:36 PM

I Wish This Guy Was My Neighbor... He's Hilarious!
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/22/14 10:50 PM

Which guy? (You have to spell it out for some people...)
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/23/14 01:13 AM

The woman from Trader Joe's should have nothing to do with this guy: Everybody knows a real gentleman would have either "not noticed" that fart or apologized himself to the lady.

And what's with "near perfect body"? You DON'T EVER say that to a woman unless you are trying to insult her! I once asked a young waitress if the giant ice cream bowl was "bigger than your head" and she asked: "Is there something wrong with my head?" and broke into tears. I had to assure her that I meant "anybody's head", and that her's was perfectly lovely.
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/23/14 01:26 AM

I think installing one of those aircraft landing lights would have been a better response. Just hook it up to an incoming light sensor and a day/night sensor, so anytime the neighbor turns on his flood light he can't see a thing down his driveway because of the blinding landing light.

No need to trespass, send emails, or even talk to the neighbor who will soon discover that every time he turns on his floodlight his driveway and front yard become uninhabitable.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/23/14 10:35 PM

Texts From Last Night

(803):

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803):

Did you win?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/23/14 10:41 PM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAbtPr_77Pc
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/24/14 02:57 AM

Have you ever noticed that the Family Guy writers will take a 5 second bit and keep playing it for an entire minute? Like when Peter trips and falls on the sidewalk: He keeps rubbing his knee and saying "Ow" for about a minute.

The fart duet is another of these. It was funny for the first verse. Not so funny for the second. The third is just boring, and the fourth is the writer's assault on the viewers (because THEY think that's funny).
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/24/14 03:21 AM

Remember when South Park ripped on Family Guy?

Part 1

Part 2
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/24/14 10:39 PM

NSFW - 35 Hilarious Chinese Translation Fails
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/25/14 06:44 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/27/14 05:25 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/28/14 05:50 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/29/14 04:14 PM

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"I recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/29/14 06:26 PM

ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/29/14 06:27 PM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLnB4UVNoUQ
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/30/14 12:14 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/08/14 12:17 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/11/14 01:22 AM


One day a biker dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Biker: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?"

Biker: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch. We drink 'til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Biker: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Biker: "You better believe it."

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie,you’re already dead, remember?"

Biker: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Biker: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you’re dead anyhow."

Biker: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Biker: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Biker: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Biker: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/11/14 04:12 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/12/14 08:31 PM




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMCOInQ0KKE
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/13/14 05:10 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/14/14 12:46 AM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/16/14 07:54 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/16/14 09:50 PM



My Son's First drink -

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding
back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.


I got him a Fosters ...... he didn't like it - I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and Bass Ale.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his stroller.








Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/17/14 01:18 AM

WORST SONG EVER: This Hip Hop Artist Sounds Like a Wounded Moose [IceJJFish - On The Floor (Official Music Video)]
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/17/14 12:01 PM

LOL
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/17/14 01:07 PM

They are great dancers!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/19/14 06:20 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/19/14 06:45 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/19/14 07:41 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
Whoa! That is totally sweet, dude!! ThumbsUp
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/20/14 11:49 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/20/14 11:50 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/21/14 12:04 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/21/14 05:48 PM

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost. It's a man thing.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/21/14 07:50 PM



BTW, I disagree with the premise of this graphic, but I do think it's funny.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/22/14 08:04 PM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/23/14 08:44 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/24/14 10:21 PM



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjs0_0jeSqk
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/26/14 01:16 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/28/14 04:33 AM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/28/14 05:06 PM

Golem, that is great ...and we got our tickets to Burning Man again!
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/01/14 07:16 PM

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

“I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I don’t have any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again”.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in:

‘Damned autocorrect! I meant "wifi", not "wife"’
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/06/14 04:59 PM

and thats how the fight started


My lover was hinting about what he wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
He said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought him a bathroom scale.
And that's how the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told
the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my lover about my experience at the Social
Security office. He said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might
have gotten disability too.'
And that's how the fight started...
________________________________
My lover was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
He was not happy with what he saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, over weight and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's dam near perfect."
And that's how the fight started ....
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/07/14 05:51 PM

LOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/07/14 05:52 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/07/14 08:11 PM

Originally Posted By: Phil Hoskins
and thats how the fight started....

Reminds me of the time my second ex-wife's mother from North Dakota said she didn't see what was so amusing about A Prairie Home Companion.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/07/14 11:36 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/08/14 08:53 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVZ1-Spipf4
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/08/14 09:10 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/08/14 09:43 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/08/14 10:06 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/14/14 03:03 AM

Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/14/14 09:18 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/14/14 09:30 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/18/14 06:18 PM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvlCu1_noTc
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/23/14 06:57 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/24/14 02:31 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/24/14 02:39 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/29/14 04:34 AM

NSFW - craigslist - honda civic - $8000 (Jackson)
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/30/14 07:13 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/30/14 07:27 PM

Saturday Night Live - Black Jeopardy
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/30/14 09:02 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

Yes. Quick survey: in one brief sentence, which way is better and why?
Posted by: Joe Keegan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/30/14 10:56 PM

A is better, because it conserves tp sheets (use less per roll).
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/08/14 07:12 PM

Celebrities That Look Like Mattresses

Quote:
Celebrities desperate to get the Walthamstow look

Photo gallery with descriptions

Website: The Walthamstow Tourist Board


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fxyy96J40Rc
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/09/14 10:05 PM

Originally Posted By: Joe Keegan
A is better, because it conserves tp sheets (use less per roll).
Not following your logic, can you explain?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/11/14 01:37 AM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/12/14 07:26 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/15/14 10:21 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/15/14 10:48 PM

Oh, that's cheeky, dude!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/17/14 03:23 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/18/14 04:59 PM

For today:


Drop that cross one more time you're out of the parade.

Twas the night before Easter and the Rock wouldn't budge.

Pontius Pilate and his Nail Driving Five playing "Rock Around the Cross"

The do-it-yourself Easter kit: two boards, three nails

I don't care if this IS the Last Supper -- no ID card, no bread and wine!

Jesus was on the cross, and he was really starting to feel the pain, so he cried to his Father, "Lord, if you really love me, you'll remove these nails from my hands." God complied. As Jesus began falling forward, he suddenly remembered and yelled (his arms flapping): "The FEET! THE FEET!"






Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/21/14 03:01 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/22/14 06:33 PM

Driver was texting and caused a collision, this was the other drivers reaction!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/22/14 09:45 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/23/14 12:55 AM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/23/14 01:13 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem
I was going with 53... something about the cut of his jib. Hmm
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/23/14 05:17 PM

NSFW!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/23/14 07:05 PM

Forensic artist draws men's testicles as they see themselves and then again as others see them
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/23/14 09:31 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/25/14 02:58 AM

Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/25/14 06:00 AM


Sometimes life imitates farce
This is a true story

A lady walks into a store with her daughter
The clerk tries to make pleasant conversation
And asks the name of the cute child
The customer proudly speaks her daughters name
It sounds like tamale but with an f instead of a t
Clerk says how did you choose such an unusual name
Customer says that the nurse gAve her that name when she was born and the mother liked it.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/27/14 01:01 AM

Trunk Monkey
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/30/14 07:20 PM

This just in:

Cowboys fans everywhere joined a prayer group, praying that Jerry Jones says something racist.
Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/30/14 07:49 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
This just in:

Cowboys fans everywhere joined a prayer group, praying that Jerry Jones says something racist.


Smile
But even if jones did say something racist the other owners would not want to force him to sell.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/04/14 07:41 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/04/14 09:17 PM







Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/05/14 06:58 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/05/14 11:43 PM

Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/06/14 01:28 AM


Can a bitch get a beef bowl?
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/06/14 01:31 AM


I've never been too particularly fond of SNL's Weekend Update re-occurring "guests." However, there is one that has really caught my attention: Jebidiah Atkinson.

Jebidiah reviews the Tony's

*watch Leslie Strong's reaction when he messes up his lines and says "Tommy" instead of "Tony."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/06/14 04:55 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/06/14 05:05 PM

Originally Posted By: california rick

I've never been too particularly fond of SNL's Weekend Update re-occurring "guests." However, there is one that has really caught my attention: Jebidiah Atkinson.

Jebidiah reviews the Tony's

*watch Leslie Strong's reaction when he messes up his lines and says "Tommy" instead of "Tony."

That's pretty good. ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/07/14 07:48 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/10/14 04:18 PM

NSFW - This Guy Just Made The Staff At Walmart Lose Their Minds...This Is Genius.
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/11/14 04:08 AM

Not original, since I have read stories about people signing checks as Mickey Mouse, Stolen Checkbook, etc. and the bank honoring all of them. But he did take it the extra mile!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/13/14 04:13 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/13/14 05:35 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/14/14 09:51 PM

Spurious Correlations
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/15/14 02:54 AM

Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/15/14 03:48 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem



Is it a spurious correlation when people continue to think things are related despite any supporting evidence For example why do people continue to think that tax cuts for the wealthy creates jobs? Hmm but I guess it is not funny. Just ironic
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/15/14 04:17 PM

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/16/14 02:53 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/16/14 03:05 PM

33 Dogs With The Most Rare Looks Ever
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/29/14 07:57 PM

Meanwhile In Ethiopia

Goat riding man for a change.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=30e_1401360571
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/31/14 05:17 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/31/14 08:13 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/05/14 04:54 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/05/14 11:12 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/06/14 12:41 AM

Golem, thank you so much for all these posts. Sometimes all I can deal with is some humor.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/06/14 04:19 PM

My pleasure, Phil. I think that applies to all of us.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/06/14 04:19 PM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxFq16IG_k0
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/06/14 07:10 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/09/14 04:28 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/10/14 06:36 PM

A woman was at the bar waiting for a beer when a butt-ugly big old redneck came up behind her and slapped her on the butt.

He said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number."

She looked at him and said, "Have you got a pen?"

His eyes lit up and he said, "I sure do!"

She said, "Well, you better get back into it, before the farmer notices you're missing."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/10/14 06:44 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/13/14 05:06 PM

NSFW (profanity) - How To Be A Dollar Menu Millionaire
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/14 09:10 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/15/14 04:28 PM



There's a joke in there, but you have to know about a certain movie franchise.

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/14 03:16 PM

A girl came skipping home from ! school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
"Very good," said her Mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.
See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"
"Very Good," said her Mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes it's because you're blonde!"
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
She lifted her blouse to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, honey, it's because you're 24.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/14 03:42 PM

ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/14 04:50 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/14 05:05 PM

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/19/14 09:19 PM

I received this in an email from a friend. I have no idea whether this is a true story or not, but I like it.


I saw the cell phone thing first hand. My wife and I were just seated in a booth, my wife with her back to a man in the booth behind her, and me facing my wife and thus the other man's date. The woman was on her phone talking intently to a friend as we sat down.

They were served their food just after we were seated, the woman still on the phone.

She continued talking on the phone as she ate.

Even just being able to see the back of the man, I could tell by his body language he was becoming very upset with the woman. She continued on the phone for the entire meal, talking loudly and annoying everyone seated within earshot.

The phone conversation ended when the server brought the check.

Now the good part. The man said to the waitress, "We'll have separate checks, please."

The woman's mouth dropped open and she said, "But I didn't bring any money! We're on a date and you're supposed to pay."

The man replied, "You're right, we WERE on a date. You have a phone. Call your friend to bring you some money. You talked to them all night and you ignored me. Ask them for a ride home, too."

At that, the man walked to the cashier, paid for his meal and left the woman sitting there dumbfounded. My wife and I, along with the other patrons annoyed by the woman on the phone, all wanted to jump up and cheer this man for doing the right thing.

Bad me. I would have stood and clapped!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/20/14 06:21 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/20/14 06:53 PM

I heard a variation on the thrifty-wife joke: When she gets the bad news, she pulls out a duffel bag filled with money. The husband is thrilled, but he notices something strange so he asks her: "Why are there so many fifties and hundreds?"

She replies: "Not everybody is such a cheap bastard as you!"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/21/14 07:58 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/21/14 08:02 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/22/14 01:39 PM

Something light-hearted for the climate change deniers...

Doonesbury
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/22/14 08:03 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/26/14 07:28 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/28/14 05:01 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/03/14 05:11 PM







Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/05/14 08:56 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/09/14 03:01 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/09/14 04:19 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/11/14 03:51 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/11/14 11:28 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem


Article
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/15/14 03:29 PM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ke5Mr5eCF2U
Posted by: Spag-hetti

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/14 04:18 AM

Some Capitol Hill BLUE Humor

I don't masturbate because ...

Well, first of all, I'm not good at it.

And, second, I'm hard to please.

But, most of all, I feel really stupid moaning my own name.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/14 06:36 AM

Originally Posted By: Spag-hetti
Some Capitol Hill BLUE Humor

I don't masturbate because ...

Well, first of all, I'm not good at it.

And, second, I'm hard to please.

But, most of all, I feel really stupid moaning my own name.

Ya mean like this? "Ooooh, Log! Yer so big and strong! Logggy, ya big dick!!"

(Sorry... it's the middle of the night and I just got up to let the dog out. Probably shouldn't have posted.)
Posted by: Spag-hetti

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/14 01:29 PM

Quote:
Loggy said:
Ya mean like this? "Ooooh, Log! Yer so big and strong! Logggy, ya big dick!!"


Hm-m-m. Doesn't sound so bad when YOU do it. LOL
Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/14 04:04 PM

Is there any way that we can get audio on that
Posted by: Siannan

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/14 03:45 PM

Is that really necessary?
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/14 05:28 PM

The audio is recorded by Anthony Weiner. It's a side gig...
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/02/14 02:25 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/02/14 02:25 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/02/14 09:13 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_cdbByTeNE
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/03/14 06:11 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/04/14 08:33 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/04/14 08:37 PM

Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/04/14 10:34 PM

Good one Golem on the Fox selfie. He would appreciate that.

Guaranteed.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/14 02:56 PM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/10/14 07:35 PM

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was wider than the shaft.
After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was wider than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.
After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was wider than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46 and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/14/14 09:04 PM

Spot The Historical Error In This "Downton Abbey" Publicity Picture

Guys, YOU HAD ONE JOB.

Downton Abbey producers have released several images to promote series five of the popular period drama.



There's just one issue with this image, which was apparently removed by ITV as soon as they realised the error. Seen it yet?

Link
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/18/14 08:02 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/20/14 05:59 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/20/14 08:17 PM

Worst garage door installation ever.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/25/14 07:11 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qv_L9XcdgY0
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/31/14 10:55 PM

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

Dan replied, "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor! That's why I want the divorce!"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/02/14 05:26 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/05/14 06:21 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/14 06:30 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/09/14 03:57 PM

Posted by: Spag-hetti

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/10/14 02:44 AM

So, Rabbit and Bear are walking through the woods. They both step off the path to take a poop. Bear asks Rabbit, "Rabbit, does poop stick to your fur?"

Rabbit thinks a minute and says, "Nope."

So bear wipes with him.
Posted by: Spag-hetti

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/10/14 02:54 AM

First day of school, a little 8th-grade girl came into my classroom, looked around, and asked where I kept my "therosaurus." I said, "Not here, he's too dangerous."

(A few days later a boy in the same class asked me how to spell "miscelanthelus," which, he said, meant "everything else.")
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/10/14 11:10 PM

The Story of Adam and Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't give a s*** one way or the other.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/11/14 03:57 PM

NSFW:
Click to reveal..
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/11/14 07:59 PM

LOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/15/14 07:47 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/16/14 08:18 PM

Foreigners Around the World
P. J. O'Rourke
National Lampoon
May 1976






Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/17/14 05:14 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/17/14 10:32 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/23/14 04:42 PM

FrogTV

Quote:
This is how frogs are entertained by watching their favorite channel :-)




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHfD3QYDUAI
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/30/14 10:34 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/02/14 10:04 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/03/14 03:59 AM

Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/03/14 06:26 AM

Wheez a feared golem.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/03/14 10:47 AM

Now available in three fruit flavored lozenges.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/03/14 04:11 PM

You Don't Carrot All, Do You?!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/03/14 08:08 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/03/14 10:27 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/04/14 03:47 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/04/14 04:36 PM

Some very interesting fruit and vegetable humor of late... Bow
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/04/14 08:41 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

Who is that guy my wife is serving beer to????!!!! mad
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/05/14 02:13 AM

Holey sheesh!

Sorry loggy. Looks like one of my damn grandkids stole my cellphone. I’ll learn ‘em and good.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/06/14 02:25 AM

#1 selling Halloween costume in TX...
Too soon?

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/06/14 05:26 PM

Click to reveal..
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/11/14 06:03 PM

How to troll a hipster.

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/14/14 03:39 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/14/14 09:04 PM

Click to reveal..
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/20/14 06:12 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/22/14 04:53 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/24/14 06:17 PM

These 20 Students Are Seriously the Laziest People Ever
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/24/14 06:31 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/26/14 05:01 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnIH5rt6giY
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/27/14 06:46 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/31/14 10:22 PM

Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/31/14 11:21 PM

Soitinly:

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/01/14 12:57 AM

Was there ever a wrong place at the right time? Hmm
Posted by: beechhouse

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/01/14 03:53 AM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
Was there ever a wrong place at the right time? Hmm


That is exactly where superheroes go to foil the nefarious evil plots of the bad guys.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/01/14 12:21 PM

Originally Posted By: beechhouse
Originally Posted By: logtroll
Was there ever a wrong place at the right time? Hmm
That is exactly where superheroes go to foil the nefarious evil plots of the bad guys.
I'd like a few private moments, if you all will indulge me, while my mind is blowing.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/01/14 10:45 PM

Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/02/14 05:03 PM

Penis Surgery...*

*A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.*

*The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,
however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."*

*The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."*

*The man perks up.*

*"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I
understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is
something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher
before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a
nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she
might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you
make a decision."*

*The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.*

*The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"*
*"Yes I have," says the man.*

*"And has she helped you make a decision?"*

*"Yes" says the man.*

*"What is your decision?" asks the doctor*

*"We're getting granite counter tops."*
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/02/14 05:11 PM

ROTFMOL
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/02/14 10:17 PM


SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR.....On his 80th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction! The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, ''This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working. "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"


And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle
Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/03/14 12:47 AM

I don't know why, but this just makes me laugh uncontrollably.
I guess I am easily amused.

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/04/14 04:46 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/04/14 04:47 PM

Originally Posted By: Jeffery J. Haas
I don't know why, but this just makes me laugh uncontrollably.
I guess I am easily amused.

That makes two of us. ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/08/14 11:18 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQJtV_YLuNE
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/12/14 12:33 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/12/14 12:55 AM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7kKU1S0lWxo
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/15/14 03:49 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/18/14 04:16 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/18/14 05:04 PM

NSFW
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/19/14 12:03 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/19/14 01:18 AM

Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/19/14 02:34 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem

Too funny
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/19/14 02:42 AM

The Simpsons go to Burning Man
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/19/14 05:21 PM

Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

...

Scary ride

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening News:

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/19/14 09:41 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/19/14 10:19 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/22/14 07:44 PM

Old People and Technology

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.

The place was packed but the music was really loud, so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (with ear piece).

This is what happens when old people start using technology.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/22/14 10:53 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/22/14 11:07 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvz9vk_XWA
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/23/14 07:03 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifBeFtzVfOk

Yes, this is staged:

'Yale's Goalkeeper' Saves 5 Penalties with His Face in Funny New Sketch
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/23/14 11:54 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch5MEJk5ZCQ
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/24/14 03:32 AM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/24/14 03:41 AM

Took me nearly a minute ...
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/26/14 06:36 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/27/14 03:18 AM

Oy Vey! Look at the gas bill!






What, too soon?
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/27/14 04:09 AM

And I do Knaugt Zee your point.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/29/14 03:49 AM

The speeder and the cop
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/06/14 05:34 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/06/14 08:41 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/12/14 10:35 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/13/14 04:28 PM

South Dakota pulls driving campaign over innuendo

South Dakota officials have canceled a public safety campaign to raise awareness about the dangers of jerking the steering wheel on icy roads, saying it's too risque.

The Department of Public Safety has pulled the "Don't Jerk and Drive" ads, which played on the double-meaning of the word "jerk." Highway Safety Director Lee Axdahl told the Argus Leader earlier this week that the double meaning was intentional, to grab people's attention.

He says the message is that the department would prefer drivers keep their cars out of the ditch and their mind out of the gutter.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/13/14 05:18 PM

NSFW
Click to reveal..
So I'm pulling a long day, up at 3.30am to get to the airport, pull a full day working in a different country, and head back to the airport for 6pm, just to get back to my bed late, late at night. A looong day. And there's nothing to eat the whole day but 'road food'.

Even the freaking business lunch that I've been looking forward to is in a low rent cafeteria due to refurbishments at the client's site.

I hold it together through the day, the occasional grumble silenced by fastidious willpower and an air of professional courtesy, but things are going badly for my guts by the time I'm waving goodbye and getting into the airport taxi.

Now I'm used to taxis where you sit in the back separated by a screen, but this is more of a private hire situation, and I'm up at the front with the driver. I'm actually irritated that I'm still holding back this storm of gas that's been building through meeting after meeting with no opportunity for release, but for propriety's sake I don't let rip next to the poor cabbie.

Turns out manners are a one way street. We've been driving about five minutes, and this terrible smell hits my nose. The cabbie has ripped one, I can't believe it.

My eyes are watering, and he just carries on talking about the weather like it hasn't even happened. I figure he's probably embarrassed so I don't say anything. But a couple of minutes later, another one. Bam. It's [censored] disgusting, I have to close my mouth because the air's thick enough you can basically taste it. But then I'm just breathing through my nose, which is helping nobody. It actually feels like it's burning me. My throat is closing up.

Above all, it seems so deeply unfair. I'm here maintaining some class, holding back a fart that could jumpstart a second universe, but I'm still breathing the same s***-gas as if I wasn't, courtesy of my filthy cabbie.

I think, [censored] it, if this guy goes in for round three I am releasing my demons and letting him take the blame.

We're five minutes out, and he parks another air biscuit. [censored] you, I think, and I do the deed.

It's perfectly executed. A silent release of a full day of pressure, every fart has been banked since 9am, and I'm cashing them all in with interest. It's a silent rush of hot air, compressed into ten seconds of pure release. I'm almost surprised you don't hear my rusty knothole slam shut when it finally ends. Mission accomplished. The perfect undercover fart.

I know what you're thinking. How did this go wrong? Didn't gamble and lose? Didn't let out a loud, incriminating trumpet? Didn't puke, or pee, knock his coffee into his lap or set off the passenger airbags? Nope. It all went according to plan. For a moment, I was proud of myself.

Then the smell hits. I have [censored] outdone myself. It's a devastating riposte to what has come before. It hits all the usual notes and adds a hint of burning rubber for effect. It's a spectacular crescendo of wrongful aromas. I can recognize every awful thing I've eaten all day in the mix. It's a fart so carefully matured it could have come with tasting notes, and they would have been one word in length: Don't.

Now let me tell you how this was a [censored] up.

The electric window slowly slides down next to me, and the cold air hits my face. The cabbie turns to me, with actual tears in his eyes, and says:

"I am so, so sorry."

"Uh... what for?" I ask innocently.

"That fart," he replies eyes wide open, as if it should be obvious. "I mean, Jeez, everybody farts, we're only human. But that... I'm just so sorry."

He leaves the windows down all the way into the airport, and gives me a discount on the fare.

All the red-eye way home, all I can think is "I stink so bad, I have made a cabbie apologize".

EDIT: Thank you for the gift of gold!

http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2mlo1u/tifu_by_outfarting_a_cabbie_on_the_way_to_the/
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/14/14 06:23 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/23/14 02:06 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/25/14 03:09 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/13/15 06:11 PM

Quote:
Cat Whisperer ‏@CattyHipster

I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.

Retweets 42 Favorites 55
5:04 AM - 12 Jan 2015
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/14/15 11:52 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObgpFydLOcw
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/15/15 09:53 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/17/15 02:59 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/29/15 10:09 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M9PwLwdupfo
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/30/15 07:04 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/01/15 12:33 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/08/15 04:34 PM

Bruce Jenner to Sue General Mills Over Undisclosed Wheaties Side Effects
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/14/15 02:16 AM

20 Of The Most Ridiculous Bad Parking Windshield Notes To Ever Happen
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/14/15 10:57 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NJQvswrSPg
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/14/15 11:11 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/14/15 11:19 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/23/15 05:47 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8oXFZAzBEw
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/02/15 09:02 PM

Top 10 Viral Videos of All Time



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qk4acvdyyqo

10. Kony 2012 (2012)

9. Numa Numa (2004)

8. Leave Britney Alone (2007)

7. "Chocolate Rain" by Tay Zonday (2007)

6. Bed Intruder Song (2010)

5. David After Dentist (2009)

4. Double Rainbow (2010)

3. Star Wars Kid (2003)

2. Evolution of Dance (2006)


Honorable Mentions:

-- Charlie Bit Me (2007)

-- "Friday" by Rebecca Black (2011)

-- Potter Puppet Pals: The Mysterious Ticking Noise (2007)

-- Harlem Shake (2013)

-- Grape lady falls! (2006)

-- Keyboard Cat (2007)


1. "Gangnam Style" by PSY (2012)
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/06/15 06:47 PM

#HarrisonFord plane crash: Twitter reacts: A look at the best of the Twitter reaction to news that Harrison Ford has emerged 'battered but ok' from a plane crash

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/...ter-reacts.html
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/06/15 08:29 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
#HarrisonFord plane crash: Twitter reacts: A look at the best of the Twitter reaction to news that Harrison Ford has emerged 'battered but ok' from a plane crash

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/...ter-reacts.html

The Internet is Having a Field Day with Harrison Ford Plane Crash Memes
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/09/15 09:21 PM

NSFW
Click to reveal..
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/12/15 06:13 PM

Click to reveal..
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/12/15 06:20 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/12/15 07:05 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/13/15 04:32 PM

Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/13/15 05:42 PM

the great thing about getting older is i can re-read this thread from the beginning and enjoy it as if i had never seen it before. same with movies

it does not seem to work for republican politicos through
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/13/15 07:34 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/14/15 04:42 PM

Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/15/15 03:17 AM

?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/15/15 03:35 AM

I know. It's weird. grin
Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/15/15 04:05 AM

It's from an anima called Nichijou.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/15/15 11:26 PM

Thanks, Greger.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/15/15 11:26 PM

Man starts church for jerks
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/16/15 04:38 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/17/15 02:47 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/20/15 05:52 PM

How To Talk About Race At Starbucks (video)
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/23/15 08:01 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D09FXtpMUew

Staged.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/24/15 12:17 AM

Click to reveal..
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/29/15 02:25 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/05/15 07:03 PM

Drop that cross one more time you're out of the parade.

Twas the night before Easter and the Rock wouldn't budge.

Pontius Pilate and his Nail Driving Five playing "Rock Around the Cross"

The do-it-yourself Easter kit: two boards, three nails

I don't care if this IS the Last Supper -- no ID card, no bread and wine!

Jesus was on the cross, and he was really starting to feel the pain, so he cried to his Father, "Lord, if you really love me, you'll remove these nails from my hands." God complied. As Jesus began falling forward, he suddenly remembered and yelled (his arms flapping): "The FEET! THE FEET!"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/05/15 07:04 PM

Anderson Nails

A small factory in the northwest, Anderson Nails, had been experiencing years of success and growth. Feeling that he was ready to try for the big time, the owner, Mr. Anderson, contracted a big Madison Avenue agency to help him promote his product.

Aiming to get the greatest possible exposure, the agency booked a full minute at the beginning of the Super Bowl half time show. Anderson was pretty excited about this, and invited all of his friends and relatives to his home for a big Super Bowl party. At the end of the first half, everybody drew closer to the TV, wanting to see the premiere of the commercial. It began with an aerial shot of the desert, and zoomed in on a small walled city. As the camera slowly panned about the city, it became apparent that this was Jerusalem, during the Roman occupation. A large hill on the horizon came into view, and as the camera drew closer, a number of crosses became visible. The focus settled on a naked man in a crown of thorns, then moved in for an extreme close up of his bleeding hands, and the nails which held them to the cross. The nails were stamped with the Anderson Nails logo. A subtitle appeared on the screen, bearing the words "Anderson Nails -- the Expert's Choice".

Anderson's guests were horrified. The party broke up before the end of the game. The next day, he began to get phone calls from his oldest and most loyal customers, expressing their outrage and cancelling their orders. By the end of the week, his sales were down to nothing. He called the president of the advertising agency to cancel his contract. When Anderson explained the situation, the ad-man was surprised, and offered to create a new campaign and run it at no charge.

The new campaign was slated to start several weeks later, on Easter morning as it turns out. This time, Anderson nervously watched the commercial alone in the privacy of his office. It began the same way as before, with an aerial view of Jerusalem. The camera finally settled on two Roman soldiers drinking wine at a table near the marketplace. Hearing a disturbance nearby, they looked up from their drinks in time to see a naked man, with bleeding hands and feet, being pursued by a group of soldiers. The first soldier looked at his companion, smiled knowingly, and said, "They didn't use Anderson Nails!"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/08/15 05:20 PM

A Maine Story: Missing Wife

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Booth Bay Harbor Maine man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/11/15 06:39 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rtgY1q0J_TQ
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/12/15 12:40 AM

Good-un Golem. I hope others laughed. Was that funny rick?

Everyone must be on their best approved behavior these days.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/16/15 06:06 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azesI46Vds4
Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/16/15 06:10 PM

well this is a soccer video
not my usual cup o tea
but maybe the most hillareous i have EvER seen

http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/11/soccer-goalie-penalty-shots-face
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/17/15 08:24 PM

Originally Posted By: Ardy
well this is a soccer video
not my usual cup o tea
but maybe the most hillareous i have EvER seen

http://ftw.usatoday.com/2014/11/soccer-goalie-penalty-shots-face

ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/17/15 08:24 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/19/15 11:31 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/20/15 12:42 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem
Looks yummy!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/23/15 04:07 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/05/15 12:41 AM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sRHVIcesOH4

Story: Texas Councilman Forgets To Turn Off Microphone While Using Bathroom
Posted by: NW Ponderer

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/06/15 03:24 AM

Congess passed a budget resolution for the first time in Obama's presidency... and no one noticed.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/06/15 12:42 PM

Maybe that's because it's only a resolution, and not a budget... And it is divided strongly along party lines... And Obama would never sign it...

It's just like all Republican legislation of recent years - foolish blowhardery.

Like Robbing Hoods, it takes from social programs and gives to the military.

USA! USA! (The United States of Armies)
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/06/15 09:11 PM

Posted by: NW Ponderer

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/07/15 01:56 AM

I just thought it was a joke. Kind of like Carly Fiorina on Late Night.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/07/15 09:12 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/09/15 09:11 PM

Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/09/15 10:54 PM

gobsmacked

But for the most part many “in there” are already “entrepreneurs.”

Viable answers-if there are any- are not easy.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/10/15 01:07 AM

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no known family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to side of the grave and looked down and saw that the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. Played like I never played before for this homeless man.

As I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept and wept. We all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hanging law, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been installing septic tanks for twenty years."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/10/15 10:04 PM

A Customer Complains To Amazon, The Resulting Conversation Is Awesome Banter
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/11/15 12:17 AM

I hope I can forget the bagpipe one so I an hear it again one day...

A little tonic for facing adversity:

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/12/15 02:09 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/14/15 05:45 PM

Click to reveal..
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/22/15 07:30 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/30/15 03:38 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/30/15 05:46 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/01/15 10:00 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/03/15 04:11 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/10/15 08:26 PM

Posted by: Spag-hetti

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/10/15 08:48 PM





Read about it here.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/12/15 05:49 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/12/15 06:50 PM

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/12/15 07:02 PM

Billy Bob tells his friend Luther, "This year I'm gonna do my vacation different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go."

"Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant."

"Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again."

"Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again!"

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, whatcha you gonna do this year that's different?"

"This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/15/15 04:48 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/28/15 03:48 PM

Oregon men hospitalized, recovering after rare beaver attack
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/28/15 03:55 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem


Bow ThumbsUp LOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/29/15 04:55 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/05/15 09:53 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/09/15 03:10 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/10/15 09:38 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/11/15 02:11 AM

People In Toronto Created A Memorial To A Dead Raccoon After The City Forgot To Pick It Up
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/14/15 07:00 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/16/15 09:27 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/17/15 11:46 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

Now that's just too funny! But I don't know why...
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/20/15 06:42 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/20/15 06:50 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/20/15 11:53 PM

That's a long-lasting chuckle...
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/23/15 03:02 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/15 03:46 AM











Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/24/15 07:31 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/29/15 05:25 PM

Click to reveal..
Canada To Change Their $2 Coin

The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the $2 coin in view of its demise due to global warming.

At the height of political correctness, they will replace it with 2 gay deer.

The coin will now be called "2 f*ckin' bucks"!
Posted by: Spag-hetti

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/01/15 10:29 PM

Empire Strikes PAC And Other Punny SuperPAC Names

I liked "Six-PAC" and "Bears for a Bearable Tomorrow."

Apparently these aren't taken:
"BackPAC" for either campers or folks who want to take their country back from the black guy, I mean, President.
"Baby Got PAC" for trust fund folks or old hip-hoppers
"A Bushel and a PAC" for farmers

I thought about "PAChyderm" and "PACmule" for the two parties, but the PAC was on the wrong end. There may be a rule about that. Too bad. Because that would also rule out "PAC It In" for your basic losers. As well as "PAC O'Lies" for Irish teabaggers.

My son suggested "PAC in Fudge," whatever that means. devil
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/03/15 05:04 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/05/15 02:34 AM

I was sitting at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the f*ck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/15 02:47 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/14/15 01:27 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/20/15 12:46 AM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufGlBv8Z3NU
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/26/15 12:04 AM

Hillary Clinton Says Chelsea Erased Servers During Postpartum Depression

Mark Donahue
The Daily Rash
August 19, 2015

Quote:
This afternoon Democratic presidential frontrunner, Hillary Clinton, appeared on MSNBC’s Hardball with host Chris Matthews to discuss the missing emails from her time as Secretary of State. Following is a transcript of that interview which airs at 6 pm tonight on MSNBC.

More
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/26/15 02:22 AM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/28/15 10:03 PM

Only in America: Praying the potholes away

pray_the_potholes_away

Facing a need for $743 million worth of repairs to crumbling infrastructure, the mayor of Jackson, Mississippi, has told residents the city can fix its many potholes through the power of prayer. "Yes, I believe we can pray potholes away," said Mayor Tony Yarber, who is also a church pastor, on Twitter. "Moses prayed," he said, "and a sea opened."

This is so stupid it HAD to go in American Humor!
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/29/15 08:10 PM

Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping the word "Washington" from the team name and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins".

It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, and lying, and is not a fitting role model for young fans of football.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/06/15 06:54 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/06/15 08:35 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/15 12:22 AM

Hahahaha!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/07/15 01:54 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/08/15 07:13 PM

Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/13/15 05:05 AM

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

The Rolling Stones say "Hey, you, get off of my cloud," and the Scotsman says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/16/15 06:16 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN7CPHms3T4
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/17/15 02:25 PM

Makes a great candidate for the Darwin awards. LOL
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/17/15 02:35 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem


If anyone ever had any doubt that we descended from apes, the Donald is living proof! coffee
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/19/15 03:56 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/01/15 08:58 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/03/15 08:27 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/12/15 04:49 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/15/15 05:57 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/17/15 08:13 PM

Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/17/15 09:31 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem


ROTFMOL
That is a good one.
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/17/15 09:32 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem


ThumbsUp
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/17/15 09:47 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

Is the guy in the red shirt actually disputing that incredible shot?
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/20/15 04:25 PM

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/20/15 11:24 PM

I suspect those lads figured out how to get "BIG DICK" for free, just by using their imaginations. The best thing about the free one is you can never lose all the ammo, and be stuck with a useless weapon.
Posted by: Phil Hoskins

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/20/15 11:53 PM

I learned at an early age smile
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/25/15 07:47 PM

Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/25/15 08:29 PM

You post some funny stuff Golem. Thanks.

We all need a little levity in these difficult times.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/28/15 01:43 AM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5t-AKbX4Ks
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/30/15 09:11 PM

Posted by: Ardy

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/09/15 01:11 AM





An arab being interviewed at the US Embassy.
CONSUL : "Your name, please. ?"
ARAB : "Abdul Aziz."
CONSUL : "Sex.?"
ARAB : "SIX times a week."
CONSUL : "I mean, male or female. ?"
ARAB : "Both male & female & sometimes even camels."
CONSUL : "Holy cow !"
ARAB : "Yes, cows & dogs too."
CONSUL : "Oh dear !"
ARAB : "Deer ? No deer, they run too fast...
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/09/15 01:16 PM

Ardy, Ardy, Ardy...
Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/09/15 03:39 PM

Heard tell Starbucks had declared war on Christmas...





Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/10/15 09:37 PM

Originally Posted By: Jeffery J. Haas
Heard tell Starbucks had declared war on Christmas...

Starbucks has never been anti-Christmas. That's just crap from fringe freaks.

I love those pics, BTW. grin
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/11/15 07:06 PM

Heard a nice piece on NPR this morning on people blowing things up out of proportion and responding to them with protests, etc. Seems like a very hot topic on college campuses these days. Many people are concerned with campuses being a "safe place" rather than a place were young people are confronted with people, ideas, and speech that is outside their comfort zone.

What are all of these wimps going to do after graduation? Hide in Mom's basement?

The guy they were interviewing wrote a book called something like "Can You Take a Joke".
Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/11/15 09:38 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
Originally Posted By: Jeffery J. Haas
Heard tell Starbucks had declared war on Christmas...

Starbucks has never been anti-Christmas. That's just crap from fringe freaks.

I love those pics, BTW. grin


Well as you know, I did not paint the masterpieces, but I put the coffee cups in there.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/11/15 11:30 PM

Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/12/15 12:56 AM

Go to your room Golem. LOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/13/15 02:22 AM

Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/13/15 04:34 AM

Growing up in Hawaii ethnic humor was everywhere. It was in fact the dominant humor and all groups got it equally. And it was very very funny.

Now one must be careful.

Sigh-----
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/13/15 04:37 AM

Try this one for example from the early 1970’s:

Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/14/15 02:44 AM

pickle pig's feet: ono you know!
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/14/15 02:46 AM

Hu More. Or less? When humans can’t laugh at each others foibles-- does this result--in let’s say--Paris today?

Just a thought intended in good humor.
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/14/15 02:55 AM

Pickles pig feet! Ono--you know?
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/14/15 02:56 AM

Here's a racist joke but it runs in the other direction:

Two black guys are at the County Fair and they are exploring the little side show tents. They spot a tent with a sign that says "Turn You White $15".

They think about for a minute and then decide that might be great, if it works. So they look in their wallets and one guy has a $10 bill and the other has a $20. So the guy with $10 says: "You go ahead and then if it works I'll take the $5 change and take my turn."

The first one is in the tent for quite a while, but finally comes out. He's the perfect image of a white man: Blond hair, blue eyes, and he even has a new suit! The other guy says: "That's amazing! Quick give me the $5 so I can go in."

The white man turns to him and says: "Screw you! Get a job!"
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/14/15 05:07 AM

Ha? Den wat?
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/14/15 09:17 PM

I just read an article about all the political PACs that have sprung up claiming to support one candidate or another. There are no legal requirements that they actually spend the money the way they imply. Several of them spend 2% on supporting the candidate and the other 98% on fund raising, salaries, and "consultants".

Some famous people have made large contributions to these PACs, which have now folded! The FEC has a very hands-off attitude toward them with very few fraud prosecutions. The main legal requirement is that they can't use the actual candidate's name in their organization's name, but most of the candidates do have a slogan that can be used.

Seems like a great way to skirt the law and setup up a cash generating machine! Websites are VERY cheap, and credit card processing has also become much more available not to mention PayPal. I could setup one of these tomorrow afternoon.

And yes, I put this in the humor thread because I find it hilarious!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/30/15 06:55 PM

Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 11/30/15 07:39 PM

That was good--but--

Both dog and cats can see color. If the following is to be believed anyway:

Linque
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/02/15 01:22 AM

Originally Posted By: Ken Condon
That was good--but--

Both dog and cats can see color. If the following is to be believed anyway:

Linque

Thanks for the info. smile
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/02/15 01:23 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/02/15 05:25 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/04/15 09:02 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/05/15 12:43 AM

Too true!
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/06/15 01:55 PM





Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/06/15 03:15 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/08/15 08:22 PM

Click to reveal..
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/08/15 08:54 PM

The porno version of light sabers?
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/09/15 12:11 AM

Some would call those popsicles.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/10/15 07:07 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/13/15 05:23 AM

Click to reveal..
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/15/15 02:58 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/16/15 04:18 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/21/15 08:00 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/21/15 10:08 PM

NSFW
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/22/15 02:54 AM

Global warming hoax
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/22/15 09:37 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/23/15 06:05 PM

Spot The Panda



http://www.indiatimes.com/news/world/spo...tly-248676.html
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/25/15 07:22 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/26/15 05:05 PM

Happy Boxing Day!

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/26/15 05:29 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/26/15 07:12 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/27/15 03:54 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 12/31/15 10:18 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/07/16 01:12 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/07/16 02:30 AM

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are driving together in a car.

A cop pulls them over.

"Do you know how fast you were going back there?" the cop asks.

"No, but I know exactly where we are," replies Heisenberg.

"I clocked you going 85 mph," says the cop.

Heisenberg bangs the steering wheel. "Now we're lost!"

The cop gets suspicious. He searches the car. "Hey, do you know there's a dead cat in the trunk?"

"We do now, you jerk!" exclaims Schrödinger.

The cop decides to arrest the men.

Ohm resists.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/07/16 08:35 PM

35 Movies That Completely Change When You Remove One Letter.

1. Pup Fiction - A puppy moves to the big city to become a writer.

2. The 4 Year Old Virgin - A story about a normal kid.

3. A New Hoe - Luke Skywalker gets a new tool for farming.

4. Carface - Al Pacino stars as a man who has botched plastic surgery and now has a grill from a 1978 Buick Roadmaster as a face.

5. Pollo 13 - Tom Hanks trains a bunch of chickens to go to the moon.

6. Men - Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart star as completely normal human beings.

7. 28 Days late - A story of an unexpected pregnancy.

8. Mr. & Mrs. Sith - A force wielding husband and wife try to get along in modern day Milwaukee.

9. Dogeball - Wow. Very sports. Movie good. Much comedy.

10. Itchcock - A documentary about STD's that affect men.

11. Fat & Furious - It's just a 3-hour one-take video of a 12-year old kid playing Call of Duty

12. Dude, Here's My Car - After a crazy night, Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott decide to leave their place, only to find that the car is exactly where they had parked it the previous day.

13. The Bi Lebowski - Jeff Bridges stars as The Dude, a man who loves women, men and bowling.

14. Need for Seed - Old farmer travels the land in search for seeds to save his farm and lives of his hungry family.

15. Silence of the Labs - How far will a man go to shut up his neighbor's barking dogs.

16. Me in Black - All about me. In black.

17. Shaun 0 The Dead - The same thing, only intensely Irish.

18. 12 Years A Slav - It's a documentary about a family moving to a Slavic nation for 12 years.

19. Tar Wars - The story of the intense rivalry between road work contractors.

20. Aging Bull - The sad story of an elderly bovine.

21. Jurassic Par - Jeff Goldblum and company have to play across the ultimate golf course hazard.

22. Finding Emo - A man goes on a search for a neighboring emo.

23. American Pi - four frustrated high schoolers take a vow to overcome their math difficulties.

24. The Princess Ride - All about what happens after the wedding.

25. One With The Wind - A man finally accepts and learns to live with the wind.

26. Oy Story - A movie about the ins and outs of being a Jewish Mother, raising kids, and dealing with a husband in a tumultuous world.

27. Casio Royale - Almost 3 hours of nothing but piano and synthesizer performances.

28. Raveheart - Documentary following Scottish soldiers in the 1280s and 1290s and their antics on the post battle club scene.

29. Arg - Ben Affleck plays a former CIA super-spy that travels to Somalia to become a pirate.

30. Despicable M - Judi Dench does some nasty things

31. Men Girls - You get the picture.

32. West Side Tory - a homophobic member of the British Conservative Party gets lost in London's West End and finds out what it truly means to be gay.

33. Lady and the Ramp - About a woman confined to a wheelchair and her desperate struggle to climb a disability ramp.

34. Fight Cub - A movie about the struggles of a bear cub to survive after his mother was killed.

35. Horton Hears a Ho - Horton becomes a pimp when he discovers months later that he has become blind. Not willing to give up the game, Horton relies solely on his sense of hearing to continue to pursue his passion.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/09/16 06:30 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/10/16 03:44 AM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acG0xqG_PWk
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/16/16 03:00 AM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/16/16 03:04 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
I almost choked to death laughing!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/18/16 03:11 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 01/21/16 07:18 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOS8sLl2Q1A
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/03/16 11:20 PM

Giorgio A. Tsoukalos Behind the Scenes of Our Super Secret Commercial | 2016 Taco Bell

Quote:
Try Taco Bell's new ----- It's ----- of ----- and it's totally -----. Just ask Alien Expert Giorgio Tsoukalos.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsEs5L9QMec

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/05/16 10:26 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/16/16 04:41 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/18/16 06:48 PM

https://vine.co/v/ivw1WwiDJje
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/26/16 06:48 PM

Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/27/16 06:38 PM




Q: What does Ted Cruz and the XL Pipeline have in common?

A: Both start in Alberta, end up in Texas, and risk doing irreparable harm to the environment.
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/28/16 05:25 AM

You forgot "and do the US absolutely no good".
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/29/16 04:59 PM

Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 02/29/16 05:30 PM



Originally Posted By: pondering_it_all
You forgot "and do the US absolutely no good".

My bad. I assumed that was a given. laugh
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/11/16 05:18 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/12/16 05:16 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/17/16 07:45 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/20/16 01:54 AM

Q. What's the difference between a fairy tale and a sea story?

A. A fairy tale begins with, "Once upon a time..." A sea story begins with, "Now this ain't no sh!t..."
Posted by: HalBrown

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/22/16 06:10 PM

Comic Strip: The Incredible Trump
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/23/16 12:17 AM

Originally Posted By: HalBrown

Thanks. I frequently find Tom Tomorrow to be creepy, but he nailed this one. I posted it all over the place.
Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 03/23/16 02:27 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem
Originally Posted By: HalBrown

Thanks. I frequently find Tom Tomorrow to be creepy, but he nailed this one. I posted it all over the place.


Well HA! And DOUBLE HA! The whole reason Tom Tomorrow is so wonderful is BECAUSE he's creepy! laugh
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/03/16 05:22 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAIjzQEFUnw
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/04/16 09:51 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/14/16 04:15 PM

Click to reveal..
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/15/16 01:37 AM

Obviously needs some BIG blue pills...
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/16/16 03:31 PM

Click to reveal..
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/18/16 05:06 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 04/18/16 05:41 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/16/16 06:17 PM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0O_VYcsIk8
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/24/16 02:51 PM

Click to reveal..
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/24/16 03:39 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 05/25/16 05:36 PM

Game of Thrones Producers Apologize for Hodor

Jimmy Kimmel Live
YouTube
May 25, 2016

Quote:
The most recent episode of “Game of Thrones” was particularly upsetting for fans of the show. Even now people are still talking about the shocking turn of events at the end of the show - and producers DB Weiss and David Benioff took the extraordinary step of apologizing to their fans.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xpG74e_-94
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/05/16 07:43 AM



Dog blows bubbles into his water dish with his snout.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/07/16 03:39 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iauuuhpSfRQ
Posted by: Spag-hetti

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/16 12:51 PM

Just a thought.

Bristol Palin has married baby daddy, Dakota Meyer. If she takes his last name, she will be Bristol Meyer. Wouldn't that be trademark infringement?
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/16 01:12 PM

Do you often have such thoughts?
Posted by: Spag-hetti

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/16 02:01 PM

Yeah, I do. My brain kind of shuns the straight and narrow and seeks the weird and twisty.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/16 03:08 PM

Admirable. Have you considered running for President? You could be the Word Party candidate. I will vote for you.
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/16 03:16 PM

I bet he could beat Trump.
Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/14/16 03:30 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
If Meat Eaters Acted Like Vegans


I'm surprised vegans haven't committed sepaku (or become breatharians) after hearing about how all those poor plants get slaughtered. ROTFMOL

I mean, seriously, one square inch of space per stalk, stuck in the ground???
Posted by: Spag-hetti

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/15/16 03:06 AM

Quote:
Loggy said:
Have you considered running for President? You could be the Word Party candidate. I will vote for you.


Yes! Because I know what the word is!!!

But you'd have to run with me. Think how much fun it would be, running around, giving certain people the, um, word.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/15/16 12:24 PM

Originally Posted By: Spag-hetti
But you'd have to run with me. Think how much fun it would be, running around, giving certain people the, um, word.
I can do the run-around... and the Word speech looks fun and aerobic. Just the thing for those long bus trips.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/16/16 04:17 PM



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iriSnVyxCg0
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/17/16 01:16 AM


Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/17/16 01:17 AM

Originally Posted By: Spag-hetti
Just a thought.

Bristol Palin has married baby daddy, Dakota Meyer. If she takes his last name, she will be Bristol Meyer. Wouldn't that be trademark infringement?

ROTFMOL
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/16 02:01 AM

Quote:
Bristol Meyer


Maybe she can get an endorsement deal? I suspect finances are pretty bleak for her otherwise. That Alaska citizen oil check only goes so far.

I always wondered if her name came from Bristol Meyers or Bristol Cream Sherry? It would be very fitting if Sarah named her after her favorite beverage when Bristol was conceived.
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/18/16 07:04 AM

Originally Posted By: pondering_it_all
It would be very fitting if Sarah named her after her favorite beverage when Bristol was conceived.

With alchy Sarah, you can pretty much guarantee that Bristol was named after the Sherry. I'm sure she didn't name her child after Bristol, Connecticut. Hmm

Posted by: Golem

WATCH: 8th-Grader Nails Impersonations Of Trump, Clinton, Obama, Sanders - 06/18/16 06:44 PM

WATCH: 8th-Grader Nails Impersonations Of Trump, Clinton, Obama, Sanders

Amita Kelly
NPR
June 16, 2016

Quote:
Maybe we're all just taking politics too seriously these days. Eighth-grader Jack Aiello used his 8-minute graduation speech to impersonate Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, President Obama, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders.

More



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0khR11eRvfQ
Posted by: Golem

Re: WATCH: 8th-Grader Nails Impersonations Of Trump, Clinton, Obama, Sanders - 06/19/16 05:56 PM

Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/21/16 06:42 AM



Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/21/16 06:51 AM




Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/21/16 06:56 AM



Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/21/16 09:09 AM

Originally Posted By: pdx rick





LOL
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/22/16 02:43 PM



Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/22/16 06:05 PM

Originally Posted By: pdx rick



Izzat your friend Katie?
Posted by: pondering_it_all

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/23/16 06:15 AM

No thanks. Just went today. I needed more T shirts since I am retired. My polo shirts are officially obsolete.

Man, they have a HUGH selection of sleeveless wife-beaters!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/16 07:29 PM

Steve Harvey Stares On Aghast As Kellie Pickler Melts Down On ‘Family Feud’

Dave Walsh
UPROXX
June 26, 2016

Quote:
There have been theories floating around the internet for years now that Steve Harvey has slowly lost his mind thanks to hosting Family Feud.

More



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5aWvd4fBeU
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/27/16 09:03 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem
Steve Harvey Stares On Aghast As Kellie Pickler Melts Down On ‘Family Feud’

Dave Walsh
UPROXX
June 26, 2016

Quote:
There have been theories floating around the internet for years now that Steve Harvey has slowly lost his mind thanks to hosting Family Feud.

More



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5aWvd4fBeU


It's easy to see why ROTFMOL
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/29/16 09:29 PM

Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/29/16 09:53 PM

Now that's what I call a ticket.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 06/29/16 11:32 PM

A ticket to ride?

Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/03/16 05:36 PM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
So a little notice and discussion would have been nice respectful. I would have voluntarily left if you had presented your choices to me. Banning is so... dictatorial.

Originally Posted By: pdx rick
Katie wants to outright ban you.

I guess that wasn't enough a courtesy notice or avenue to open up discussion. coffee
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/03/16 08:27 PM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
Funny thing - I just got banned from Rick's Disqus channel because the Righties don't like me. I thought that sort of thing only happened on the blogs that were controlled by intolerant bigots...

Originally Posted By: pdx rick
Originally Posted By: logtroll
So a little notice and discussion would have been nice respectful. I would have voluntarily left if you had presented your choices to me. Banning is so... dictatorial.

Originally Posted By: pdx rick
Katie wants to outright ban you.

I guess that wasn't enough a courtesy notice or avenue to open up discussion. coffee

Are these posts part of a private discussion?
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/03/16 08:39 PM

I thought they were... except the funny one about being banned by a Lefty for calling BS on some wing nuts!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/03/16 09:17 PM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
I thought they were... except the funny one about being banned by a Lefty for calling BS on some wing nuts!

loggy, you me from personal experience that I oppose banning people for petty or arbitrary reasons.
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/03/16 10:34 PM

Bow I remember. You'd think that the ban-ers could at least have the integrity to follow a little due process and their own rules.
Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 01:12 AM

So--I was out of the loop for a while. 65+ years to be exact. What discus site of rick’s do you refer to. Mr. Loggy?
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 01:15 AM

Hey, Stretch!

https://disqus.com/home/discussion/channel-theloungecafe/sunday_july_3rd_2016/
Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 05:04 AM

Ken!! Condon!!
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 05:19 AM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
I thought they were... except the funny one about being banned by a Lefty for calling BS on some wing nuts!

It's one thing to call BS on T-Bagger Conservative made-up batch!t crazy stuff - and one should!! Always!!!

It's another to follow the Conservative bloggers around and harangue them on the same topic over and over and over and over and over and over and over - until the break of dawn. Hmm

Some people just need to be "right" and aren't satisfied until someone screams "Uncle!" Knowing that one is right, because one cited facts and even linked it, should be satisfaction enough, I would think. smile

Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 05:26 AM


Besides, months ago you pleaded to be banned due to your blogging addiction. Your request was simply late in action being taken. smile
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 05:47 AM


New Rule!



UPDATE 7.4.16

No badgering other bloggers

In an effort to make The Lounge Cafe a pleasant experience for everyone, badgering other bloggers will trigger a time out.

If another blogger feels they are being badgered, simply notify a Moderator, who will determine if the actions are indeed defined by the term below. If badgering has indeed taken place, the moderator will proceed accordingly with the blogger in question.

badger
bajer
verb

gerund or present participle: badgering ask (someone) repeatedly and annoyingly for something; pester.

synonyms: pester, harass, bother, plague, torment, hound, nag, harry, tease, go on at; informal hassle, bug, get on someone's case

Example: "stop badgering us"
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 06:03 AM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
Bow I remember. You'd think that the ban-ers could at least have the integrity to follow a little due process and their own rules.

Done and done. New rule, plus your ban has been reversed. Is there anything else that I may accommodate for you? smile
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 07:02 AM


UPDATE: You have been permanently rebanned Gordon as has your IP address.

I had no idea what a vindictive unhinged person you are in real life. You had me fooled. My bad. Hmm
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 09:25 AM




BTW, Katie already knew I was gay - so outing me to her didn't do anything for you except to expose your character. It's funny how straight people hold being gay over someone like it's a bad secret waiting to come out. Pathetic!!

You kinda acted like a spurned lover that I dumped - being all bitchy and vindictive and wanting payback. Sure you don't have some feelings for me, big guy? You have said in the past that I'm handsome.

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 12:06 PM

"I believe in practicing prudence at least once every two or three years." Molly Ivins
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 04:54 PM


Taking to groveling now? You should have heeded my advance and toned it down in the first place. I guess the neurotic impulse to not let things go caused you to be where you are now. Too bad, so sad, for you. coffee
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 05:07 PM


Create filter: All messages from gordon to delete. Save.

smile
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 05:24 PM



I over-exaggerated the number of complaints - the complaints were constant in coming and it got old.

Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 05:39 PM


Yes, I chose Katie over you. Hmm
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 05:39 PM

Stop! I give up!! Please don't show everyone this!!!

Click to reveal..
Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 05:49 PM


You started it here, I'll finish it. That's what alpha dawgs do. smile
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 06:11 PM

Posted by: pdx rick

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 07:03 PM


Don't be so dramatic, bro.



Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 07:38 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 08:01 PM

ROTFMOL
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/04/16 08:53 PM

Golem, that is the best!!! ThumbsUp LOL
Posted by: Greger

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/05/16 03:46 AM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/05/16 04:03 PM

Originally Posted By: Ezekiel
Golem, that is the best!!! ThumbsUp LOL

There are more. Take your pick: grin







Posted by: Jeffery J. Haas

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/05/16 05:11 PM

How does a humor thread get hijacked, when it's not funny anymore?
Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/05/16 06:07 PM

Originally Posted By: Jeffery J. Haas
How does a humor thread get hijacked, when it's not funny anymore?

I think you need to take that post over to the Philosophy thread... wink
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/21/16 01:37 AM

Posted by: Ken Condon

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 07/21/16 05:03 AM

Aww man Golem. That’s my cat!

Can you bring him back? He’s been a missin fer awhile
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/02/16 04:16 PM

Black lab whose fur is slowly turning white gets Photoshop battle grin
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/07/16 05:51 PM

From 2014


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tp76cHN2FDU
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/09/16 08:20 PM

Posted by: logtroll

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/09/16 11:57 PM

Originally Posted By: Golem

They don't want him to lick his hemorrhoid surgery...
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/10/16 10:35 AM

Originally Posted By: logtroll
Originally Posted By: Golem

They don't want him to lick his hemorrhoid surgery...

LOL
Posted by: NW Ponderer

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/10/16 01:02 PM

I thought that was the Pope's "Marilyn" moment...
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/11/16 08:24 PM

Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/12/16 09:16 AM

Originally Posted By: Golem


ThumbsUp smile
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/23/16 04:46 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/24/16 04:30 PM

Five-storey Blue Screen Of Death spotted in Thailand

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 08/27/16 05:40 PM

The Skull of Montezuma

Tourist in museum: Whose skull is that one?

Museum guide: That is the skull of the Aztec emperor Montezuma.

Tourist in museum: Then whose skull is that small one beside it?

Museum guide: That is the skull of Montezuma when he was a baby.
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/12/16 03:52 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/13/16 05:31 PM


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZubL4mZ5n0
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/14/16 03:15 PM

Star Trek: The Libertarian Edition

ReasonTV
September 7, 2016

Quote:
Their mission: to seek out new life and new civilizations, and leave them alone. Trade with them if they want, but mostly leave them the hell alone.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgRlzFIgm1E
Posted by: Ezekiel

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/14/16 04:43 PM

ROTFMOL
Good one!
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/22/16 10:49 PM

Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 09/27/16 06:22 PM

After husband forgets lunch, wife throws it from the BALCONY and INTO his car
Posted by: Golem

Re: Miscellaneous humor thread - 10/04/16 12:51 AM

Sesquipedalian Sayings

The stylus is more potent than the claymore.

Pulchritude possesses exclusively cutaneous profundity.

It is futile to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

The greatest of need is the maternal parent of the art of original contrivance.

A revolving lithic conglomerate accrues no lichen.

Everything is legitimate in matters pertaining to ardent affections and international armed conflicts.

The temperature of the aqueous content of a metallic receptacle under unremitting surveillance does not attain its level of evaporation.

Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.

Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

It is fruitless to endure lacrimation over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

Similar sire, similar scion.

Pulchritude reposes within the optic parameters of the perceiver.

Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

Where there are visible emissions from carbonaceous materials, there exists conflagration.

Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.

Integrity is the superlative strategy.

A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques vitiate the potable concoction.

Eleemosynary deeds have their incipience domestically.

All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not, ipso facto, auriferous.

An addlepated individual and his specie divaricate with prematurity.

The ultimate entity of dried gramineous organism induces a rupture of the dorsal portion of the ship of the desert.

Hubris antedates a gravity-impelled descent.

Three quarters of a dozen individual movements by slender sewing instrument may be obviated by the utilization o