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#218717 - 04/02/12 03:18 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
NW Ponderer Offline
Moderator
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 15364
The Librarian is sitting at her desk in the library, doing her librarian duty, when a chicken walks up to the desk.

"Book," he says. So, she looks on the shelf behind her and gets a book, makes out a new library card for him, in the name of "chicken," and off goes the chicken with the book under his wing.

The next day, the chicken returns with the book, and gives it to the librarian. He says, "book, book." So, she reaches behind her, selects two books, gives them to him, and off goes the chicken. She is completely bewildered. She has read, Charlotte's Web, of course, but doesn't really believe that the chicken is actually reading the books.

But, the next day, in walks the chicken, returns the two books, and says "book, book, booook." So, she dutifully reaches behind her, gets three books, and checks them out to the chicken, who struggles out the door with his new selections. Overcome with curiosity, the librarian follows him. He goes down the street, then into the woods... and she follows. Pretty soon, the chicken comes to a pond in the woods. He says, "book, book, booook."

From out of the pond, comes a frog. He looks over the selection of books that the chicken has brought, shakes his head and says...

"Read it, read it, read it."
_________________________
A well reasoned argument is like a diamond: impervious to corruption and crystal clear - and infinitely rarer.

Here, as elsewhere, people are outraged at what feels like a rigged game -- an economy that won't respond, a democracy that won't listen, and a financial sector that holds all the cards. - Robert Reich

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#218722 - 04/02/12 04:26 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
NW Ponderer Offline
Moderator
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 15364
_________________________
A well reasoned argument is like a diamond: impervious to corruption and crystal clear - and infinitely rarer.

Here, as elsewhere, people are outraged at what feels like a rigged game -- an economy that won't respond, a democracy that won't listen, and a financial sector that holds all the cards. - Robert Reich

Top
#218756 - 04/02/12 03:39 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Ted Remington Offline
old hand

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 4937
Elton John never finished his song about Averill Whitman, the "rocket Man."

He actually got to Mars, alone and shipwrecked, only to discover that Mars was inhabited by a humanoid species who called themselves the Gott. Remarkably like humans, but cyclopean, one rather large eye in the niddle of the forehead.

Averill married one of the Gott women in a civil ceremony, then settled down to a quiet life of a Martian farmer. Twenty years passed, and a manned ship from Earth arrived to explore. The three astronauts were appalled to find that Averill had gone native, and had even married what they took to be monstrosities.

Averill assured them that he had been quite right to marry the Gott, singing for them, "Ain't no woman like the one-eyed Gott."
_________________________
Take the nacilbupeR pledge: I solemnly swear that I will help back out all Republicans at the next election.

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#218767 - 04/02/12 05:05 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
NW Ponderer Offline
Moderator
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 15364
How I spent my weekend

The Line

The stakes are not high, but the prize is a ton!
Just imagine the things you could do if you won –
A vacation to Disney – for a month, if not two
Two or three cars, not used ones, but new
A condo in Aspen, I’d bet that’d seem cheap
A place on the ticket, probably as Veep…
A Governorship, the Senate…, or House, if you’re slummin’
A dozen Les Pauls, just for sittin’ ‘round strummin’
Or maybe… a plane, or a few, or a yacht
You could buy a zoo! Or, on second thought, not
Or something more practical, like somewhere to stay
Out of sight, quite secluded, and far, far away
With an arsenal that would make even bad Harry’s day
Best keep the change in your pocket, where it might do some good
Leave the line in which – for an hour – you’ve stood
And think of more practical uses for things you have got
Instead of daydreams that engender greedmaking thought
That is brought on by just one Mega payday
But, instead, I part with a bit of my pay
And head home with just a small sliver of hope
Knowing I’ll lose, but a happier dope

(c) Remember you read it here first coffee
_________________________
A well reasoned argument is like a diamond: impervious to corruption and crystal clear - and infinitely rarer.

Here, as elsewhere, people are outraged at what feels like a rigged game -- an economy that won't respond, a democracy that won't listen, and a financial sector that holds all the cards. - Robert Reich

Top
#218770 - 04/02/12 05:43 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3574
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
Alexander the Great and his staff meetings

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6.00 p.m. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6.00 p.m. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6.00 p.m. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6.00 p.m.," he said, "Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed colour at 6.00 p.m. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6.00 p.m. by the colour change, and could consistently get to the 6.00 p.m. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the colour change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.

Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.

A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6.00 p.m., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a time-band, and in honour of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... Alexander's Rag Time-band!"

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#218771 - 04/02/12 05:56 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3574
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
Joe was backpacking through Europe. He had been on the road for two weeks and was having the time of his life.

Late one afternoon a fierce rainstorm broke out. Suddenly he was drenched, cold and miserable. He searched frantically for shelter. Up ahead he could make out lights and a building of some kind. As Joe got closer he realized it was a monastery.

Joe knocked on the door and it opened. The monks welcomed him without hesitation and offered him food and shelter for the night.

Joe had a hot bath and put on some dry clothes while his own clothes were drying. He then sat down for dinner. It was fish and chips and it was delicious!

One of the monks, Brother James, came over to his table and asked, "Is everything all right my son?"

"Yes." he replied. "Everything is wonderful! I am truly grateful for all your kindness. And this is the most delicious fish and chips I have ever had. Tell me; would it be possible for me to personally compliment the chef?"

"Certainly," said the monk and he led him to the kitchen where he met two more monks, Brother John and Brother Samuel.

"Which one of you do I have to thank for that great dinner of fish and chips?" Joe asked.

Brother John smiled. "Well," he said, "I'm the fish friar and Brother Samuel is the chip monk."

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#218866 - 04/03/12 05:47 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3574
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#218951 - 04/04/12 04:38 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3574
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#219229 - 04/07/12 11:42 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Ted Remington Offline
old hand

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 4937
I had been at the archaeological site in Southern Turkey for only a few weeks, when it became obvious to me that we needed to install an incentive program for the Kurdish workers who comprised the bulk of our diggers. So I began offering a sliding scale of rewards for special finds. The ultimate find was a complete pot or bowl with writing on it, which would earn the finder a cool ten dollars.

One evening I was enjoying a roasted chicken for dinner when two of my best workers interrupted me. They had each seen a complete bowl at the same time, and each wanted the $10. I offered them $5 apiece, but they refused, each saying he deserved the full reward. They drew knives and began to face off, when I had an idea. I pulled the wishbone out of the chicken and explained to them how we used to pull wishbones when I was a kid, with the one getting the longer piece being the winner. Being great gamblers, they agreed on this solution, and both went away happy, one with the ten bucks and the other consoled by the fact that it was just luck. Yes, I just stilled two Kurds with one bone.
_________________________
Take the nacilbupeR pledge: I solemnly swear that I will help back out all Republicans at the next election.

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#219253 - 04/07/12 07:11 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Ted Remington]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3574
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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