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#229625 - 07/18/12 11:30 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: itstarted]
Ted Remington Offline
old hand

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 4939
Reminds me of the extremely rich young fellow who went on a month's vacation, during which he booked 28 straight days of solo rounds at Pebble Beach. THAT cost a mint.

The third morning he is on the 3d tee when he glances behind him and sees this gorgeous young thing in the flight behind him, also playing solo. He waits for her to catch up, and they play the rest of the round together. Afterwards they stop at the 19th for drinks, and she invites him home.

There she cooks him a gourmet meal, paired with wine that had to have cost $300 a bottle. She then performs absolutely fantastic oral sex on him, but will not let him spend the night.

The next day is a repeat, as is the next. Great golf, great food, great wine, great oral sex, but nothing more. The guy finally says, "Darling, I would like to have sex with you."

She says, "Actually, that's impossible. You see, I'm a transvestite."

The guy sits in shock for a minute, then screams at the top of his lungs, "You bitch! You've been playing from the ladies' tee all this time!"
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#229662 - 07/18/12 05:30 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
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The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

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#229695 - 07/18/12 08:44 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

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#229837 - 07/19/12 06:08 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3815
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#229843 - 07/19/12 06:50 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3815
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
This polish farmer is plowing his field one day, and the plow strikes something hard in the ground. Expecting another stone, he digs it up only to find a lamp. As he's rubbing it clean, a genie pops out and says, "For rescuing me, I will grant you three wishes."

The farmer thinks about it for a moment and then says, "I wish that Mongol hordes would invade Poland and then go home." The genie waves his hand, and Mongol hordes stream into Poland, loot his house, and go home.

The genie asks, "what is your second wish?" Again, the farmer says, "I wish that Mongol hordes would invade Poland and then go home." The genie waves his hand again, and Mongol hordes stream into Poland, steal his livestock, and go home.

The genie asks, "what is your third wish?" And again, the farmer says, "I wish that Mongol hordes would invade Poland and then go home." The genie waves his hand one last time, and Mongol hordes stream into Poland, burn down his farm, and go home.

The genie then says to the farmer, "I have granted you your three wishes. But I must know, why did you wish for Mongol hordes to invade your country and then go home three times?"

The farmer replies, "Because they had to go through Russia six times!"

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#229857 - 07/19/12 07:41 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Ted Remington Offline
old hand

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 4939
I just stole that one. But I am not going to tell you what the car wax said to the furniture wax because I do not repeat polish jokes.
_________________________
Take the nacilbupeR pledge: I solemnly swear that I will help back out all Republicans at the next election.

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#229864 - 07/19/12 08:12 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

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#229991 - 07/20/12 05:48 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

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#229998 - 07/20/12 06:51 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3815
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

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#230022 - 07/20/12 09:01 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3815
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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