Current Topics
The CFO Act
by jgw
0 seconds ago
The Maximum Wage
by jgw
14 minutes 27 seconds ago
When police join a community, great things happen
by jgw
27 minutes 53 seconds ago
Burn and Destroy
by jgw
32 minutes 5 seconds ago
An unexpected cure for COVID-19?
by pondering_it_all
33 minutes 10 seconds ago
RoundTable - SPRING 2020
by pondering_it_all
40 minutes 41 seconds ago
First Bernie Sanders Thread 2020
by pondering_it_all
47 minutes 8 seconds ago
The Far-Right's Civil War aka "boogaloo"
by pondering_it_all
57 minutes 40 seconds ago
Is it too soon to be talking 2020?
by Greger
Today at 04:44 PM
Anonymous dumps a treasure trove of docs
by Greger
Yesterday at 04:47 PM
covid-19 cure
by Greger
Yesterday at 04:21 PM
Edward Snowden Interview
by danarhea
06/01/20 03:45 AM
The Unmasking of Michael Flynn
by Irked
05/31/20 05:30 PM
Michigan Rep. Justin Amash Takes Step Toward Libertarian Presidential Bid
by Greger
05/30/20 07:21 PM
Trump may be ahead!
by rporter314
05/29/20 01:29 PM
A Thought Experiment about COVID-19
by pondering_it_all
05/26/20 01:45 AM
Is there a free market solution for the pandemic and economic collapse?
by Greger
05/25/20 08:59 PM
Genius: how to make of a surgical mask, an N95-equivalent
by GreatNewsTonight
05/25/20 03:51 AM
The Way We Were
by Jeffery J. Haas
05/25/20 12:46 AM
What's for dinner?
by GreatNewsTonight
05/24/20 08:18 PM
Forum Stats
6292 Members
60 Forums
16922 Topics
300257 Posts

Max Online: 294 @ 12/06/17 12:57 AM
Google Adsense
Page 31 of 166 < 1 2 ... 29 30 31 32 33 ... 165 166 >
Topic Options
Rate This Topic
#235794 - 09/07/12 09:01 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: AustinRanter]
logtroll Offline
veteran

Registered: 04/26/10
Posts: 10156
Loc: One of the Mexicos
Go, Lem! Go, Lem! Yeah, I appreciate the funnies, too.
_________________________
“You never change things by fighting the existing reality.
To change something, build a new model that makes the old model obsolete.”
– R. Buckminster Fuller

Top
#235798 - 09/07/12 10:09 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

Top
#235990 - 09/09/12 07:29 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Phil Hoskins Offline
Administrator
Bionic Scribe

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 21134
Loc: West Hollywood, CA
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
_________________________
Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul

Top
#236010 - 09/09/12 08:48 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
ROTFMOL

Top
#236100 - 09/10/12 07:18 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

Top
#236225 - 09/11/12 04:26 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: numan]
Lillibet Offline
moderator
enthusiast

Registered: 12/19/05
Posts: 2262
Loc: Chicago, Illinois
Originally Posted By: numan
The story of my life...
_________________________
"I am young, whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy." ~~~ Kato Havas

Top
#236230 - 09/11/12 04:59 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
'
Well, at least you are aware of it, Diamond Lil !!
Most people aren't. · · wink

Count your blessings.


Edited by numan (09/11/12 05:00 PM)
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

Top
#236276 - 09/12/12 03:22 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

Top
#236278 - 09/12/12 03:33 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

Top
#236337 - 09/12/12 07:20 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

Top
Page 31 of 166 < 1 2 ... 29 30 31 32 33 ... 165 166 >

Who's Online
0 registered (), 68 Guests and 0 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Superfly, GreatNewsTonight, danarhea, RoughDraft274, CPWILL
6292 Registered Users
A2