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#235794 - 09/07/12 09:01 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: AustinRanter]
logtroll Offline
veteran

Registered: 04/26/10
Posts: 8846
Loc: New Mexico (not old Mexico)
Go, Lem! Go, Lem! Yeah, I appreciate the funnies, too.
_________________________
"You can't fix a problem until you understand what the problem is." Logtroll

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#235798 - 09/07/12 10:09 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

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#235990 - 09/09/12 07:29 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Phil Hoskins Offline
Administrator
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 21134
Loc: West Hollywood, CA
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
_________________________
Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul

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#236010 - 09/09/12 08:48 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3723
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
ROTFMOL

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#236100 - 09/10/12 07:18 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

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#236225 - 09/11/12 04:26 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: numan]
Lillibet Offline
moderator
enthusiast

Registered: 12/19/05
Posts: 2262
Loc: Chicago, Illinois
Originally Posted By: numan
The story of my life...
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"I am young, whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy." ~~~ Kato Havas

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#236230 - 09/11/12 04:59 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
'
Well, at least you are aware of it, Diamond Lil !!
Most people aren't. wink

Count your blessings.


Edited by numan (09/11/12 05:00 PM)
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

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#236276 - 09/12/12 03:22 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3723
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#236278 - 09/12/12 03:33 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3723
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#236337 - 09/12/12 07:20 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

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