Current Topics
RoundTable for January 2019
by pondering_it_all
Today at 06:37 AM
The Shutdown Is Mitch McConnell's Fault
by NW Ponderer
Today at 02:40 AM
Is it too soon to be talking 2020?
by Greger
Today at 01:34 AM
No. 11 goes to Cooperstown: Edgar Martinez is finally a Hall of Famer
by NW Ponderer
Today at 01:18 AM
Trump administration fights humanity
by pondering_it_all
Today at 12:35 AM
shutdown confusion
by pondering_it_all
Today at 12:28 AM
The Debate: Is America’s future capitalist or socialist?
by Greger
Yesterday at 11:55 PM
Right to life march
by jgw
Yesterday at 07:04 PM
Justice is coming
by pondering_it_all
01/21/19 08:10 PM
Miscellaneous humor thread
by pondering_it_all
01/21/19 07:56 PM
It is time to consider impeachment
by jgw
01/21/19 07:49 PM
A Judge Blocked the Census From Asking About Citizenship. Here's Why It Matters
by Greger
01/19/19 04:55 PM
The Green New Deal, explained
by jgw
01/18/19 10:20 PM
‘Forgiveness is better:’ SC restaurant owner poses with man who robbed business
by Golem
01/18/19 05:42 PM
William Barr should be a convict, not Attorney General
by NW Ponderer
01/18/19 05:13 PM
Collusion has now been shown. What now?
by pondering_it_all
01/17/19 12:12 AM
The Passing Parade: Obituaries: 2019
by Golem
01/16/19 06:15 PM
Gregory Benford Wins 2019 Robert A. Heinlein Award
by Golem
01/15/19 07:07 PM
Trump's Wall Shutdown IS his policy
by pondering_it_all
01/14/19 06:59 PM
GoFundMe Wall campaign collapses: fraud campaign substituted
by pondering_it_all
01/12/19 07:20 PM
Forum Stats
6248 Members
58 Forums
16469 Topics
283885 Posts

Max Online: 294 @ 12/06/17 12:57 AM
Google Adsense
Page 31 of 165 < 1 2 ... 29 30 31 32 33 ... 164 165 >
Topic Options
#235794 - 09/07/12 09:01 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: AustinRanter]
logtroll Offline
veteran

Registered: 04/26/10
Posts: 8935
Loc: New Mexico (not old Mexico)
Go, Lem! Go, Lem! Yeah, I appreciate the funnies, too.
_________________________
"You can't fix a problem until you understand what the problem is." Logtroll

Top
#235798 - 09/07/12 10:09 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

Top
#235990 - 09/09/12 07:29 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Phil Hoskins Offline
Administrator
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 21134
Loc: West Hollywood, CA
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
_________________________
Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul

Top
#236010 - 09/09/12 08:48 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3802
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
ROTFMOL

Top
#236100 - 09/10/12 07:18 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

Top
#236225 - 09/11/12 04:26 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: numan]
Lillibet Offline
moderator
enthusiast

Registered: 12/19/05
Posts: 2262
Loc: Chicago, Illinois
Originally Posted By: numan
The story of my life...
_________________________
"I am young, whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy." ~~~ Kato Havas

Top
#236230 - 09/11/12 04:59 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
'
Well, at least you are aware of it, Diamond Lil !!
Most people aren't. · · wink

Count your blessings.


Edited by numan (09/11/12 05:00 PM)
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

Top
#236276 - 09/12/12 03:22 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3802
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

Top
#236278 - 09/12/12 03:33 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3802
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

Top
#236337 - 09/12/12 07:20 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
numan Offline
veteran

Registered: 08/06/08
Posts: 10853
Loc: What! Me Worry?
_________________________
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools -- Herbert Spencer

Top
Page 31 of 165 < 1 2 ... 29 30 31 32 33 ... 164 165 >

Who's Online
0 registered (), 54 Guests and 1 Spider online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
TrentonP, Nosf50, erumonej, Jensen Breck, Albertapkr
6248 Registered Users
A2