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#245800 - 12/11/12 08:41 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Ezekiel]
Greger Offline

Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 15512
Loc: Florida
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#245804 - 12/11/12 09:10 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Ezekiel Offline
old hand

Registered: 08/06/05
Posts: 6387
Loc: New York
You know what they say:
Filibustering yourself will make you blind wink
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"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
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"The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month."
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#245819 - 12/12/12 12:31 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Phil Hoskins]
Lillibet Offline
moderator
enthusiast

Registered: 12/19/05
Posts: 2262
Loc: Chicago, Illinois
Originally Posted By: Phil Hoskins

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where theywere heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman...

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

LOL I've heard this one too, but the part of Peters was played with Cox in the starring, off stage role.

Disclaimer: Any puns are not mine. violin
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#245896 - 12/13/12 12:20 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Lillibet]
Phil Hoskins Offline
Administrator
Bionic Scribe

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 21134
Loc: West Hollywood, CA
Quote:
At this time of year when the police roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share an experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something Iíve never done before Ė I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that itís in my garage.
_________________________
Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul

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#245899 - 12/13/12 12:23 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Ezekiel Offline
old hand

Registered: 08/06/05
Posts: 6387
Loc: New York
Good one, Phil! ThumbsUp
_________________________
"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
Lenny Bruce

"The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month."
Dostoevsky




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#245972 - 12/13/12 11:36 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Phil Hoskins]
Lillibet Offline
moderator
enthusiast

Registered: 12/19/05
Posts: 2262
Loc: Chicago, Illinois
Let's see, grand theft auto or a possible DUI.

Keep the cab, and then make sure you're out on New Year's Eve.

You'll make money hand over fist, driving all those drunks around.

Just enough to pay the lawyer.
_________________________
"I am young, whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy." ~~~ Kato Havas

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#246300 - 12/16/12 03:04 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Phil Hoskins Offline
Administrator
Bionic Scribe

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 21134
Loc: West Hollywood, CA
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
_________________________
Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul

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#246301 - 12/16/12 03:06 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Phil Hoskins]
pdx rick Offline
Member
CHB-OG

Registered: 05/09/05
Posts: 41835
Loc: Puget Sound, WA
Originally Posted By: Phil Hoskins
Quote:
At this time of year when the police roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share an experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something Iíve never done before Ė I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that itís in my garage.

ROTFMOL That was good!! ThumbsUp
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#246302 - 12/16/12 03:07 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Lillibet]
pdx rick Offline
Member
CHB-OG

Registered: 05/09/05
Posts: 41835
Loc: Puget Sound, WA
Originally Posted By: Lillibet
Just enough to pay the lawyer.

...for grand theft auto. wink
_________________________
Contrarian, extraordinaire



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#246405 - 12/17/12 02:17 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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