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#246450 - 12/17/12 04:36 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Phil Hoskins Offline
Administrator
Bionic Scribe

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 21134
Loc: West Hollywood, CA
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center .


Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.


"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"SH*T!" said the hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center .

Claude was never invited back..
_________________________
Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul

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#246452 - 12/17/12 04:41 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Phil Hoskins]
Ezekiel Offline
old hand

Registered: 08/06/05
Posts: 6387
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: Phil Hoskins
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center .


Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.


"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"SH*T!" said the hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center .

Claude was never invited back..


ROTFMOL
_________________________
"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
Lenny Bruce

"The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month."
Dostoevsky




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#246639 - 12/19/12 09:20 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Ezekiel]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#246657 - 12/20/12 12:32 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Greger Online   content


Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 17055
Loc: Florida

My 18 year old girl told me this yesterday...

If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies,
what kind of bird brings no babies?

Click to reveal..
A swallow.
_________________________
Good coffee, good weed, and time on my hands...

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#246659 - 12/20/12 12:41 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Greger]
logtroll Offline
veteran

Registered: 04/26/10
Posts: 10283
Loc: One of the Mexicos
Originally Posted By: Greger

My 18 year old girl told me this yesterday...

If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies,
what kind of bird brings no babies?

Click to reveal..
A swallow.

Ewuie! Gross!!
_________________________
“You never change things by fighting the existing reality.
To change something, build a new model that makes the old model obsolete.”
– R. Buckminster Fuller

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#246725 - 12/20/12 05:02 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Phil Hoskins Offline
Administrator
Bionic Scribe

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 21134
Loc: West Hollywood, CA
> A Christmas Tradition
>
> When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
> toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
> Pre-Christmas pressure.
> Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
> Santa even more.
> When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
> about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
> Heaven knows where.
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
> toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
> Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
> rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all
> the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally
> dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
> all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
> had eaten al l the straw off the end of the broom.
> Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
> yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
> tree.
> The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
> lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
> stick it?'
>
> And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
> tree.
>
> *Not a lot of people know this.
_________________________
Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul

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#246766 - 12/21/12 12:30 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#246785 - 12/21/12 04:31 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
pdx rick Offline
Member
CHB-OG

Registered: 05/09/05
Posts: 43120
Loc: Puget Sound, WA
A guy is walking through Chinatown when he sees the sign "Jon Jonsen's Chinese Restaurant." He thinks: must be a story there

He walks into the restaurant and says to the Chinese man behind the counter "Could I speak to Jon Jonsen?"

The Chinese man says, "I am Jon Jonsen."

"That isn't a very common Chinese name, is it?"

"No, I believe it is not."

"So how'd you get that name?"

"I am an immigrant. When I was immigrating, I was in line behind several Swedes. The lady at the desk asked the first one 'What is your name?' and he answered 'Jon Jonsen.' She filled out his paperwork, sent him on his way, and asked the next one his name. He answered 'Jon Jonsen." She filled out his paperwork, sent him on, and asked the next one 'What is your name?' He says, 'Jon Jonsen.' She fills out his paperwork, and then it's my turn. She asks 'What is your name?' and I answered 'Sam Ting.'"
_________________________
Contrarian, extraordinaire



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#246786 - 12/21/12 04:34 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: logtroll]
pdx rick Offline
Member
CHB-OG

Registered: 05/09/05
Posts: 43120
Loc: Puget Sound, WA
Originally Posted By: logtroll
Originally Posted By: Greger

My 18 year old girl told me this yesterday...

If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies,
what kind of bird brings no babies?

Click to reveal..
A swallow.

Ewuie! Gross!!

Exactly my reaction. crazy
_________________________
Contrarian, extraordinaire



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#246787 - 12/21/12 04:36 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
pdx rick Offline
Member
CHB-OG

Registered: 05/09/05
Posts: 43120
Loc: Puget Sound, WA
An Italian and a Greek were debating which culture was better:

the Greek guy said, we have the Acropolis
the Italian guy said, we have the Colosseum
the Greek guy said we have Alexander the Great
the Italian guy said we have Cesar
the Greek guy said we have have fetta
the Italian guy said we have mozzarella...
the Greek guy said, we invented democracy
the Italian guy said, we invented the senate
After a long discussion, the Greek guy said proudly: "we invented sex"
... and the Italian guy replies, "and we introduced it to women"
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Contrarian, extraordinaire



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