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#271679 - 06/18/14 03:16 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Phil Hoskins Offline
Administrator
Bionic Scribe

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 21134
Loc: West Hollywood, CA
A girl came skipping home from ! school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
"Very good," said her Mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.
See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!"
"Very Good," said her Mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes it's because you're blonde!"
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
She lifted her blouse to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No, honey, it's because you're 24.
_________________________
Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul

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#271680 - 06/18/14 03:42 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
ROTFMOL

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#271682 - 06/18/14 04:50 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#271684 - 06/18/14 05:05 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

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#271718 - 06/19/14 09:19 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
I received this in an email from a friend. I have no idea whether this is a true story or not, but I like it.


I saw the cell phone thing first hand. My wife and I were just seated in a booth, my wife with her back to a man in the booth behind her, and me facing my wife and thus the other man's date. The woman was on her phone talking intently to a friend as we sat down.

They were served their food just after we were seated, the woman still on the phone.

She continued talking on the phone as she ate.

Even just being able to see the back of the man, I could tell by his body language he was becoming very upset with the woman. She continued on the phone for the entire meal, talking loudly and annoying everyone seated within earshot.

The phone conversation ended when the server brought the check.

Now the good part. The man said to the waitress, "We'll have separate checks, please."

The woman's mouth dropped open and she said, "But I didn't bring any money! We're on a date and you're supposed to pay."

The man replied, "You're right, we WERE on a date. You have a phone. Call your friend to bring you some money. You talked to them all night and you ignored me. Ask them for a ride home, too."

At that, the man walked to the cashier, paid for his meal and left the woman sitting there dumbfounded. My wife and I, along with the other patrons annoyed by the woman on the phone, all wanted to jump up and cheer this man for doing the right thing.

Bad me. I would have stood and clapped!

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#271756 - 06/20/14 06:21 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#271758 - 06/20/14 06:53 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
pondering_it_all Offline
veteran

Registered: 02/27/06
Posts: 8781
Loc: North San Diego County
I heard a variation on the thrifty-wife joke: When she gets the bad news, she pulls out a duffel bag filled with money. The husband is thrilled, but he notices something strange so he asks her: "Why are there so many fifties and hundreds?"

She replies: "Not everybody is such a cheap bastard as you!"

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#271807 - 06/21/14 07:58 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#271808 - 06/21/14 08:02 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#271828 - 06/22/14 01:39 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
logtroll Offline
veteran

Registered: 04/26/10
Posts: 9470
Loc: One of the Mexicos
Something light-hearted for the climate change deniers...

Doonesbury
_________________________
You canít solve a problem without first understanding what the problem is.

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