Current Topics
Russia Secretly Offered Afghan Militants Bounties to Kill U.S. Troops, US Intel
by pdx rick
Today at 12:35 AM
RoundTable for Summer 2020
by logtroll
Yesterday at 11:55 AM
Is it too soon to be talking 2020?
by Irked
Yesterday at 01:06 AM
Medications that might help against SARS-CoV-2
by pondering_it_all
06/30/20 06:12 PM
Drug prices
by jgw
06/29/20 08:42 PM
What is wealth? How is it made? How is it accounted?
by jgw
06/29/20 06:11 PM
Decisions
by jgw
06/29/20 05:38 PM
What is the purpose of Capitalism?
by pdx rick
06/29/20 04:52 AM
Attorney to testify DOJ gave Roger Stone favorable treatment
by jgw
06/28/20 05:48 PM
The Boogaloo Bois
by Greger
06/28/20 05:02 PM
kickass Facts
by jgw
06/27/20 06:58 PM
Donald Trump - The Greatest President
by jgw
06/27/20 05:26 PM
Coronavirus: The Plague of The 21st Century?
by pdx rick
06/27/20 06:31 AM
The Maximum Wage
by pondering_it_all
06/26/20 09:00 PM
Trying
by pondering_it_all
06/25/20 07:54 PM
Productivity
by jgw
06/25/20 06:49 PM
Rhode Island moves to change state's official name due to slavery connotations
by pondering_it_all
06/24/20 10:19 PM
seattle - capital hill autonomous zone
by jgw
06/23/20 07:26 PM
Defund the Police
by perotista
06/23/20 06:43 PM
SDNY prosecutor refuses to step down
by jgw
06/21/20 04:36 PM
Forum Stats
6292 Members
60 Forums
16950 Topics
300942 Posts

Max Online: 294 @ 12/06/17 12:57 AM
Google Adsense
Page 117 of 166 < 1 2 ... 115 116 117 118 119 ... 165 166 >
Topic Options
Rate This Topic
#275166 - 11/26/14 06:36 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

Top
#275170 - 11/27/14 03:18 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
pondering_it_all Offline
veteran

Registered: 02/27/06
Posts: 9952
Loc: North San Diego County
Oy Vey! Look at the gas bill!






What, too soon?

Top
#275172 - 11/27/14 04:09 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Ken Condon Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 06/14/07
Posts: 3879
Loc: Eugene, OR
And I do Knaugt Zee your point.
_________________________
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Top
#275209 - 11/29/14 03:49 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

Top
#275337 - 12/06/14 05:34 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

Top
#275341 - 12/06/14 08:41 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

Top
#275395 - 12/12/14 10:35 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

Top
#275401 - 12/13/14 04:28 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
South Dakota pulls driving campaign over innuendo

South Dakota officials have canceled a public safety campaign to raise awareness about the dangers of jerking the steering wheel on icy roads, saying it's too risque.

The Department of Public Safety has pulled the "Don't Jerk and Drive" ads, which played on the double-meaning of the word "jerk." Highway Safety Director Lee Axdahl told the Argus Leader earlier this week that the double meaning was intentional, to grab people's attention.

He says the message is that the department would prefer drivers keep their cars out of the ditch and their mind out of the gutter.

Top
#275402 - 12/13/14 05:18 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
NSFW
Click to reveal..
So I'm pulling a long day, up at 3.30am to get to the airport, pull a full day working in a different country, and head back to the airport for 6pm, just to get back to my bed late, late at night. A looong day. And there's nothing to eat the whole day but 'road food'.

Even the freaking business lunch that I've been looking forward to is in a low rent cafeteria due to refurbishments at the client's site.

I hold it together through the day, the occasional grumble silenced by fastidious willpower and an air of professional courtesy, but things are going badly for my guts by the time I'm waving goodbye and getting into the airport taxi.

Now I'm used to taxis where you sit in the back separated by a screen, but this is more of a private hire situation, and I'm up at the front with the driver. I'm actually irritated that I'm still holding back this storm of gas that's been building through meeting after meeting with no opportunity for release, but for propriety's sake I don't let rip next to the poor cabbie.

Turns out manners are a one way street. We've been driving about five minutes, and this terrible smell hits my nose. The cabbie has ripped one, I can't believe it.

My eyes are watering, and he just carries on talking about the weather like it hasn't even happened. I figure he's probably embarrassed so I don't say anything. But a couple of minutes later, another one. Bam. It's [censored] disgusting, I have to close my mouth because the air's thick enough you can basically taste it. But then I'm just breathing through my nose, which is helping nobody. It actually feels like it's burning me. My throat is closing up.

Above all, it seems so deeply unfair. I'm here maintaining some class, holding back a fart that could jumpstart a second universe, but I'm still breathing the same s***-gas as if I wasn't, courtesy of my filthy cabbie.

I think, [censored] it, if this guy goes in for round three I am releasing my demons and letting him take the blame.

We're five minutes out, and he parks another air biscuit. [censored] you, I think, and I do the deed.

It's perfectly executed. A silent release of a full day of pressure, every fart has been banked since 9am, and I'm cashing them all in with interest. It's a silent rush of hot air, compressed into ten seconds of pure release. I'm almost surprised you don't hear my rusty knothole slam shut when it finally ends. Mission accomplished. The perfect undercover fart.

I know what you're thinking. How did this go wrong? Didn't gamble and lose? Didn't let out a loud, incriminating trumpet? Didn't puke, or pee, knock his coffee into his lap or set off the passenger airbags? Nope. It all went according to plan. For a moment, I was proud of myself.

Then the smell hits. I have [censored] outdone myself. It's a devastating riposte to what has come before. It hits all the usual notes and adds a hint of burning rubber for effect. It's a spectacular crescendo of wrongful aromas. I can recognize every awful thing I've eaten all day in the mix. It's a fart so carefully matured it could have come with tasting notes, and they would have been one word in length: Don't.

Now let me tell you how this was a [censored] up.

The electric window slowly slides down next to me, and the cold air hits my face. The cabbie turns to me, with actual tears in his eyes, and says:

"I am so, so sorry."

"Uh... what for?" I ask innocently.

"That fart," he replies eyes wide open, as if it should be obvious. "I mean, Jeez, everybody farts, we're only human. But that... I'm just so sorry."

He leaves the windows down all the way into the airport, and gives me a discount on the fare.

All the red-eye way home, all I can think is "I stink so bad, I have made a cabbie apologize".

EDIT: Thank you for the gift of gold!

http://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2mlo1u/tifu_by_outfarting_a_cabbie_on_the_way_to_the/

Top
#275411 - 12/14/14 06:23 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3862
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

Top
Page 117 of 166 < 1 2 ... 115 116 117 118 119 ... 165 166 >

Who's Online
0 registered (), 21 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Superfly, GreatNewsTonight, danarhea, RoughDraft274, CPWILL
6292 Registered Users
A2