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#218670 - 04/01/12 08:55 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3418
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
_________________________
A feathered biped in the terminal part of the arm is equal in value to a pair of feathered bipeds in densely branched shrubbery.


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#218672 - 04/01/12 09:05 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3418
Loc: Orange County, California, USA

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#218674 - 04/01/12 09:22 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Ted Remington Offline
old hand

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 4937
Durward and Alexander, were identical twin boys, born in the Twin Cities, who went to a two-year college together, married identical twin girls exactly their age, and ended up taking jobs with the same company outside of Sacramento. They did everything together, including joining the California-based Church of Itsenism, which preached that everyone, good bad or indifferent, went to their heaven called Itsen when they died.

One day the two young men went for a ride on their tandem bicycle, but were run over by a twin-rig diesel out on Route 2. They were buried together under a common headstone that read, of course, Alex and Dur, Souls in Itsen.
_________________________
Take the nacilbupeR pledge: I solemnly swear that I will help back out all Republicans at the next election.

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#218675 - 04/01/12 09:29 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Ted Remington Offline
old hand

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 4937
Poor Doctor Beraid cane to a very bad end, an end which he caused himself.

Beraid had spent his career working in the field of hypo-allergenics, working towards developing a breed of swine whose bodies contained nothing that would be rejected by humans. They were also capable of regenerating body organs, so they were intended to be the first trouble-free organ farms for transplants to humans.

Unfortunately, there were some genetic drawbacks. They were huge, over a thousand pounds at maturity, so Beraid cleverly cloned gorillas to tend to them. There was another problem: their breath was so bad that not even the gorillas could work with the pigs until they had been stuffed full of breath mints.

One day there were almost 80 gorillas working with the swine when one of them dropped a big bag of breath mints. Beraid backhanded the gorilla, which was most unfortunate for him. The police report on his sudden death concluded:

Seventy six strong clones fed the pig Beraid, with a hundred and ten Clorets close at hand.
_________________________
Take the nacilbupeR pledge: I solemnly swear that I will help back out all Republicans at the next election.

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#218679 - 04/01/12 10:47 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Ted Remington]
Phil Hoskins Offline
Administrator
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 21114
Loc: West Hollywood, CA
respect

We need a "groan" smiley
_________________________
Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul

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#218680 - 04/01/12 10:55 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Golem Offline
enthusiast

Registered: 03/12/12
Posts: 3418
Loc: Orange County, California, USA
How about this?


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#218685 - 04/01/12 11:35 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Jeffery J. Haas Offline


Pooh-Bah

Registered: 08/03/04
Posts: 12413
Loc: Whittier, California
Grandma Goes Shopping

A grandmother had a grandson with a upcoming birthday.

She knew he liked fishing, so down to the sporting goods store she went.
After looking around,she found a rod and reel that might look good, so she went to the counter.
Behind the counter sat a man with dark glasses.

The grandmother inquired, "Can you help me decide which rod and reel to get for my grandson?"

"Sure", replied the man, "I am blind, but if you toss the item on the counter, I can tell by the sound what it is."

After placing the rod and reel on the counter the blind man said, "Well that's a Shakespeare 6 foot rod and a Zebco reel, good combo and its on sale for 20 dollars this week."

Impressed the grandma said ,"I'll take it".
She reached into her purse and pulled out her credit card only to drop it on the floor.
After hearing the card fall to the floor,the blind man said, "Mastercard, very good!"

As the grandma bent over to pickup the card, she passed a very large amount of gas.
Very embarrassed she looked around and figured the man was blind so he wouldn't know who did it.
He rang her up and said "that'll be 34.50 ma'am."

"But you told me it was on sale for 20 dollars!", the grandma exclaimed.
The blind man replied,"Yep,20 dollars for the rod and reel, but that duck call's 11 dollars and the catfish bait's another 3.50!"
_________________________
"Liberty is so important to "libertarians" that they think actually getting to exercise liberty should be a privilege that is overwhelmingly rationed in favor of the rich.
Recognizing this ought to tell us what we are dealing with."
---Piers Stephens

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#218696 - 04/01/12 11:51 PM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Phil Hoskins Offline
Administrator
Carpal Tunnel

Registered: 06/07/04
Posts: 21114
Loc: West Hollywood, CA
Originally Posted By: Golem
How about this?


Love it
_________________________
Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul

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#218700 - 04/02/12 12:06 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
Chuck Howard Offline
old hand

Registered: 09/17/01
Posts: 6723
Loc: Philly 'burbs
Subject: His and Her Diary for the Same Day

The answer to many of life's problems







HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.

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#218710 - 04/02/12 01:02 AM Re: Miscellaneous humor thread [Re: Golem]
issodhos Offline
Pooh-Bah

Registered: 09/29/05
Posts: 12581
_________________________
"When all has been said that can be said, and all has been done that can be done, there will be poetry";-) -- Issodhos

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