1. When you wake up screaming, it's because
A. Donald Trump really IS president.
B. Nazis really ARE walking around in broad daylight.
C. Weasels ran off with your spouse.
D. All of the above.
2. The collection cup for date night is now collecting
C. Your fingernail clippings.
D. Someone else's fingernails.
3. You are running because
A. Insane cops.
B. Nazi death creatures from the hollow earth.
C. More weasels.
D. You still have legs.
4. You are crying because
A. You vaguely remember having loved ones.
B. Tear gas.
C. Nobody witnessed you all shiny and chrome.
D. "irregardless" made it into the dictionary.
5. You won't eat your pudding because
A. You didn't eat all of your meat.
B. You knew the guy the pudding used to be.
C. You no longer have the required orifices.
D. It's frozen solid, like everything else for a hundred miles in any direction.
6. Even though the Earth is vomiting up the dead, and the government hasn't issued any edicts in weeks, you
A. Are safe in your buried storage container, eating your previous relatives, offspring, etc.
B. At least still have your guns.
C. Managed to save your waifu pillow
D. All of the above.
7. Your neighbors are all raptured, leaving you behind with the weasels. You
A. Help yourself to their stuff.
B. Console yourself that at least that crooked Hillary didn't win.
C. Run to the nearest church and explain to God that he has overlooked your exceptionalism.
D. Dance while the weasels rip your flesh.
8. You are placed in charge of morale. Your slogan is
A. Fallout is the new confetti.
B. Whiteboard your optimized personal demise.
C. Weasels are just fun with fangs.
D. I'm not crying.
9. Your house is surrounded by zombies. You
A. Don't notice.
B. Don't care.
C. Are green with envy.
D. Are a member of the zombie horde.
10. Starvation has given you visions. You realize
A. The Mormons - of all people - had it right. You scream your rage to the universe. It doesn't care.
B. You have run out of relatives and your storage container's air is getting pretty manky.
C. That tickling sensation? Weasels.
D. You're late for work. Again.
What can we do to help you stop screaming?