Today's Birthdays
There are no members with birthdays on this day.
Current Topics
Coronavirus: The Plague of The 21st Century?
by chunkstyle - 01/20/22 03:38 PM
Round Table Winter 2021
by pdx rick - 01/20/22 03:05 PM
Texas hostages
by Mellowicious - 01/20/22 03:57 AM
Winning
by Ken Condon - 01/20/22 03:38 AM
National Commission to Investigate the January 6
by pdx rick - 01/20/22 02:56 AM
The long and winding road to Dumbass
by jgw - 01/19/22 07:03 PM
Gerrymandering
by perotista - 01/18/22 04:01 AM
Lindsey v. Mitch: Senate cage match
by logtroll - 01/15/22 05:11 AM
Don't look up
by jgw - 01/14/22 10:42 PM
Complexity Science
by Jeffery J. Haas - 01/12/22 06:34 PM
What's for dinner?
by pondering_it_all - 01/02/22 09:37 PM
RoundTable For Fall 2021
by Mellowicious - 01/02/22 04:21 AM
Divorce: American Style
by pdx rick - 12/31/21 01:56 AM
Gimme some of that good ol time religion
by pondering_it_all - 12/23/21 08:19 PM
F.D.A. Will Permanently Allow Abortion Pills by Mail
by Mellowicious - 12/22/21 09:03 PM
Joe Manchin thread
by perotista - 12/22/21 08:33 PM
A Fungus Amungus
by logtroll - 12/22/21 01:00 AM
Popular Topics(Views)
9,793,281 my own book page
4,861,987 We shall overcome
3,976,928 Campaign 2016
3,619,918 Trump's Trumpet
2,873,907 3 word story game
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Rate Thread
Page 2 of 166 1 2 3 4 165 166
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,862
Golem Offline OP
enthusiast
OP Offline
enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,862
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,862
Golem Offline OP
enthusiast
OP Offline
enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,862

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,939
old hand
Offline
old hand
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,939
Durward and Alexander, were identical twin boys, born in the Twin Cities, who went to a two-year college together, married identical twin girls exactly their age, and ended up taking jobs with the same company outside of Sacramento. They did everything together, including joining the California-based Church of Itsenism, which preached that everyone, good bad or indifferent, went to their heaven called Itsen when they died.

One day the two young men went for a ride on their tandem bicycle, but were run over by a twin-rig diesel out on Route 2. They were buried together under a common headstone that read, of course, Alex and Dur, Souls in Itsen.


Take the nacilbupeR pledge: I solemnly swear that I will help back out all Republicans at the next election.
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,939
old hand
Offline
old hand
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,939
Poor Doctor Beraid cane to a very bad end, an end which he caused himself.

Beraid had spent his career working in the field of hypo-allergenics, working towards developing a breed of swine whose bodies contained nothing that would be rejected by humans. They were also capable of regenerating body organs, so they were intended to be the first trouble-free organ farms for transplants to humans.

Unfortunately, there were some genetic drawbacks. They were huge, over a thousand pounds at maturity, so Beraid cleverly cloned gorillas to tend to them. There was another problem: their breath was so bad that not even the gorillas could work with the pigs until they had been stuffed full of breath mints.

One day there were almost 80 gorillas working with the swine when one of them dropped a big bag of breath mints. Beraid backhanded the gorilla, which was most unfortunate for him. The police report on his sudden death concluded:

Seventy six strong clones fed the pig Beraid, with a hundred and ten Clorets close at hand.


Take the nacilbupeR pledge: I solemnly swear that I will help back out all Republicans at the next election.
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 21,134
Administrator
Bionic Scribe
Offline
Administrator
Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 21,134
respect

We need a "groan" smiley


Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,862
Golem Offline OP
enthusiast
OP Offline
enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,862
How about this?


Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 15,977
Likes: 33
It's the Despair Quotient!
Carpal Tunnel
Offline
It's the Despair Quotient!
Carpal Tunnel
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 15,977
Likes: 33
Grandma Goes Shopping

A grandmother had a grandson with a upcoming birthday.

She knew he liked fishing, so down to the sporting goods store she went.
After looking around,she found a rod and reel that might look good, so she went to the counter.
Behind the counter sat a man with dark glasses.

The grandmother inquired, "Can you help me decide which rod and reel to get for my grandson?"

"Sure", replied the man, "I am blind, but if you toss the item on the counter, I can tell by the sound what it is."

After placing the rod and reel on the counter the blind man said, "Well that's a Shakespeare 6 foot rod and a Zebco reel, good combo and its on sale for 20 dollars this week."

Impressed the grandma said ,"I'll take it".
She reached into her purse and pulled out her credit card only to drop it on the floor.
After hearing the card fall to the floor,the blind man said, "Mastercard, very good!"

As the grandma bent over to pickup the card, she passed a very large amount of gas.
Very embarrassed she looked around and figured the man was blind so he wouldn't know who did it.
He rang her up and said "that'll be 34.50 ma'am."

"But you told me it was on sale for 20 dollars!", the grandma exclaimed.
The blind man replied,"Yep,20 dollars for the rod and reel, but that duck call's 11 dollars and the catfish bait's another 3.50!"


"The Best of the Leon Russell Festivals" DVD
deepfreezefilms.com
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 21,134
Administrator
Bionic Scribe
Offline
Administrator
Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 21,134
Originally Posted By: Golem
How about this?


Love it


Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,723
C
old hand
Offline
old hand
C
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 6,723
Subject: His and Her Diary for the Same Day

The answer to many of life's problems







HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 12,581
I
Pooh-Bah
Offline
Pooh-Bah
I
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 12,581


"When all has been said that can be said, and all has been done that can be done, there will be poetry";-) -- Issodhos
Page 2 of 166 1 2 3 4 165 166

Link Copied to Clipboard
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 33 guests, and 4 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
SuZQ2, KevFilthyANML, Risky, Gladys G. Jackson, Beach Baby
6,297 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums61
Topics17,274
Posts313,946
Members6,297
Most Online294
Dec 6th, 2017
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5
(Release build 20201027)
Responsive Width:

PHP: 7.4.27 Page Time: 0.022s Queries: 37 (0.013s) Memory: 3.0367 MB (Peak: 3.2529 MB) Data Comp: Zlib Server Time: 2022-01-20 19:08:34 UTC
Valid HTML 5 and Valid CSS