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A vampire walks into a bar.
The bartender asks: "You want a blood or a blood lite?"


milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)

Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.




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A High School teacher was reminding her pupils of their final exam the following day.

“Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a near-fatal personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class started sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, “Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”


milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)

Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.




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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy .

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated,because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked: "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA"


milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)

Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.




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A reminder for these trying times:




Quote:
Now the valley cried with anger

Mount your horses

Draw your swords

And they killed the mountain people

So they won their just reward

Now they stood beside the treasure

On the mountain dark and red

Turned the stone and looked beneath it

'Peace on Earth' was all it said.


Contrarian, extraordinaire


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The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)

Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.




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Ira Kaplan, hadn't returned to the old neighborhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam.

During a business trip to New York he visits his old neighborhood on Kotler Avenue in the Bronx.

Everything has changed over the years. Where once there was Edelstein’s Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald’s; where Fleischman’s Dry Cleaning (One-Hour Martinizing) used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now is; where Ginsberg’s Department Store was, there is now a Gap.

Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky’s Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business.

As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls (such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how) that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up.

Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there? A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop.

Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back. He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.

“Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky,” Kaplan says, “but I used to live in this neighborhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?”

Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asks, “Vas dey black vingtips?”

“They were indeed,” Kaplan only now recalls.

“And you vanted a halv sole, mit rubber heels?”

“Yes,” says Kaplan. “That’s exactly what I wanted.”

“And you vanted taps on the heels only?”

“Yes, yes,” says Kaplan. “Amazing! Do you still have them?”

Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, his good eye asquint, and says, “Dey’ll be ready Vendesday.”.


milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)

Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.




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Originally Posted By: Scoutgal
There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy .

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated,because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked: "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA"


LOL


"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
Lenny Bruce

"The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month."
Dostoevsky



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Originally Posted By: Scoutgal
Ira Kaplan, hadn't returned to the old neighborhood since he went off to fight in Vietnam.

During a business trip to New York he visits his old neighborhood on Kotler Avenue in the Bronx.

Everything has changed over the years. Where once there was Edelstein’s Delicatessen, there is now a McDonald’s; where Fleischman’s Dry Cleaning (One-Hour Martinizing) used to be, a Korean nail salon and spa now is; where Ginsberg’s Department Store was, there is now a Gap.

Nothing is the same, except for the narrow storefront of Klonsky’s Shoe Repair, which, dimly lit as ever, is still in business.

As Kaplan passes the shop, he recalls (such are the quirks of memory that he does not know how) that just before he was drafted to go off to Vietnam, he had left a pair of shoes with Mr. Klonsky that he never bothered to pick up.

Could they, he wonders, possibly still be there? A small bell tinkles as he enters the dark shop.

Mr. Klonsky, who seemed old 40 years ago, shuffles out from the back. He is hunched over, wearing a leather apron, one eye all but closed.

“Excuse me, Mr. Klonsky,” Kaplan says, “but I used to live in this neighborhood, and 40 years ago I left a pair of shoes with you for repair that I never picked up. Is there any chance you might still have them?”

Klonsky stares at him and, in his strong Eastern European accent, asks, “Vas dey black vingtips?”

“They were indeed,” Kaplan only now recalls.

“And you vanted a halv sole, mit rubber heels?”

“Yes,” says Kaplan. “That’s exactly what I wanted.”

“And you vanted taps on the heels only?”

“Yes, yes,” says Kaplan. “Amazing! Do you still have them?”

Mr. Klonsky looks up at him, his good eye asquint, and says, “Dey’ll be ready Vendesday.”.
ROTFMOL


"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
Lenny Bruce

"The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month."
Dostoevsky



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Small Brown Bottle

The other day I went over to my neighborhood Walgreens.

When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists' Counter is located.

I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen... I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.

He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.

Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled,"HELL NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that Walgreens. But I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anyway!


milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)

Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.




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You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young Woman's surgery.

But, she asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye.

The girl was alarmed. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."


milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)

Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.




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