Some A-hole looked at my beer belly in the pub last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it."


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave, and got your hair cut, you'd look pretty good."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."


I went to the pub last night, had a shot of Ezra Brooks and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now."


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said, "Go on then, try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on! What day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."


"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.