I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there's plenty of blame to go around.

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they dont have to work and pay taxes.

If I was Snow White you'd never be able to kill me with an apple...you'd have to poison an eclair or something.

What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn't have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.

Tell me I'm beautiful
"You're beautiful"
Tell me I'm a genius
"You're a genius"
Tell m-
"Just give me the toilet paper, please

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I'm in Canada.

I always get a "Yes" from women, but it's usually followed by "That's him, officer.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

"Sure, you could bury it but hear me out."
Taxidermy is invented.

FLOTUS is an unfortunate acronym, like something left in the toilet bowl.

I'm tired and want to sleep, but I can't stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down.

Sorry I reported your newborn's pic on Facebook, but nudity is nudity.

So we're on for next Friday? Perfect. I'll call you Thursday to reschedule.

Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

"Do not iron" Like that was ever going to happen.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.

[doing an identification at the coroner's office]
It's not her; my wife has a head.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?
And I said "Sure. For years I've been secretly in love with you."

I learned two important lessons today. I can't remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

I just answered two Jeopardy questions in a row. This must be what Einstein must have felt like.

Turns out my date had a lot of pizzazz, not pizzas. I've never been more disappointed.

Didn't know which glass of beer was mine so I drank both. I'm a problem solver.